River is Snoring and The Earth Shakes A Little Bit

So I've been having one hell of a week. Been cleaning at my mother's; been celebrating my sister's birthday; and I learned that auto mechanics can suck my ass.

Went in for two tire changes, rotation, and an oil change. So they called me up and told me (and I'm paraphrasing here), "Since we're heavily advertising struts and shocks, yours are out and we need 1700 to fix your very fucked up shocks and struts. That will be one-thousand seven hundred dollars." When they tell a lady of twenty-three that she NEEDS to replace something that may cause her to die she kind of freaks. I tried for credit, and so did Jaccob (to help me, the sweetie pie -- AND NO, I did not ask. He just did it.). Then since I had no money to cover the extra 700 I got to thinking about it. I did not want to pay that outrageous fucking amount.
If my dad were alive, he'd turn all red and yell at them.
So, I just had one tire replaced and an oil change.
They all seemed a little saddened that I did not help their income or hours, or fucking paychecks.
Ladies, let that be a lesson. Always make friends with a mechanic so you can always get a second opinion.
My uncle called auto zone to see how much the struts and shocks were. Sixty dollars apiece.
At the place I went to, they wanted nearly six-hundred for the parts alone.
I cannot stress how crooked companies are toward women nowadays. Well, always.
The place I went to was Tech Tune.

So my sister turned TWENTY-FUCKING-YEARS-OLD on Saturday. Makes an older sister feel even older.
I made her a marble cake with four things of frosting to cover the beast and to decorate.

 Oh yeah, that's right. Took me forever and a picture to base that crude icing drawing.
Everyone liked it, aside from my uncle and mother. My mom slapped my arm with a big smile.

 Everyone, go ahead and go, "AWWWWWW."
That's right. In the second picture, her head was on my vagina. She knows where the magic happens. Of course, that could also mean my vagina is so boring that animals and Homo sapiens fall asleep on top of it.
Ouch.

Oh yeah, four four leaf clovers. I think they're overtaking my yard. I found these in like a minute and a half just waiting on River to shit (which she didn't -- she waited until she was in my room and went all out). Then I got bored winning and settled on going outside.

 As I'm typing this, River is curled up in my lap asleep. It's the little things.

I'm usually not sober for me to remember all the funny things. Yet, watching James Bond's Goldenfinger was hilarious and amazing. I really like watching Sean Connery.
Oh, and I also saw Autsin Powers for the first time. Don't judge me. My parents were strict when that movie came out and then I just forgot about it over the years.
It was funny. I would've enjoyed it more, however, if I had first seen it in theaters.
Dr. Evil is the best character.

I want to garden so badly.
But I'm afraid I'll fail at that then make myself depressed.

But, my mother's home and we have some fiscal transactions to take care of.

Later, folks.

Oh Shit...

So I thought about writing a post about how much I like sucking dick, but I realized that Fallon has been guest-posted on iwillnotdiet.com and I am linked inside. This didn't bother me and until I realized some of the subject matter on here.
It's like I dropped the soap on purpose or something.
So maybe I need to cool it and act like Virgin Mary.

Today I woke up.
Today I thought about my name being Mary.
Today I was thankful that it was.
Then I thought about if I was related to Bloody Mary.
Finally, I thought about how innocent I'm not.

Todd's birthday was nice and well-paced. His cake was so much better than Scotty's (I am sorry that the time crack founds it way into the Tardis). It was just neater, I guess. Learned all the ways to avoid another time crack (that's why it's round).
I learned I'm more of a maid than a hostess. I just couldn't stop washing the dishes that were dirtied. Maybe that's how I take out my nervousness. Cleaning up after boys. Should I even call myself a feminist anymore?
By the way, Flamingo has been mentioned before on here, if you want to know the history (which I doubt you do), just search through my entries like you're a Historian or something (Fallon, I'm nodding my head to you right now).
By the way, again, take a mirror to "83."

Kyle's head looks odd, I know.

DUNDUNDUNDUNDUNDUN.
I painted this for my Amanda.
Took me like three days and a whole lot of patience I usually have reserved for knitting to finish it.
It says, "Meet some friends of mine," on the bottom. I don't know why that violet color would be good for black lettering.

I painted this old shelf I found in my garage. It used to be my great-grandmother's.
It's now standing in our living/dining room area.
I bought a bowl for it. It's sort of pity-looking. Shame too. Just like my great-grandmother.

I did not bother to clean off the table so you can see them in use.

Fallon bought me these gorgeous place mats for my apartment. The guys like them, but I honestly didn't care if they liked them or not, they were staying.
I also bought these purposely girly plates. They're light blue with snowflakes. They never said a word about them. Har. My plan to get reactions failed. On to another way then....
We bought all that I've mentioned at Kohl's. We went shopping because we missed each other. Too bad I can't just not be busy, or her.

Right now, Jaccob is playing the Batman game. I'm not going to try and look up the name. Batman slammed Hugo Strange against the glass. I yelled out, "OH YEAH, THAT'S HOT. MAN ON MAN ACTION."
No reaction from Jaccob. Didn't even act like I was talking.

It's jellybean season! And we all know what that means -- Heather is aiming for a new cavity!

It's only 8PM and all I want to do is sleep.
Jaccob looked back at me while his game was loading and saw me laying out on the bed with my eyes half-lidded from fatigue. He smiled and asked, "Bored?"
I slid my eyes over to him, saying, "Yes. Immensely."
He laughed, asking, "Then why don't you talk to me?" He went back to his game.
I looked back at the game too, "Because you don't have a good response time."
He waited ten seconds and then said, "Ha, no I don't."

And to end this:

I was texting my sister through my mother's phone.

Chocolate Chip Cookies and Such Things

So, I haven't been blogging much and I'm going to blame the universe for keeping me so busy. Besides, it's not like strangers read this and feel like they're missing out on some Kentucky chick's life. No. My friends like to stalk me which I like to support 100%. Maybe I just like attention -- who knows.

First things first, I attended my FIRST EVER Super Bowl Party. It was at Jaccob's brother's house. Trust me, I was not amused the entire time. I really don't get football. Not understanding it is one way, another way is that I'm bored out of my mind and begin making stories. Like the sacred man with ball is sacrificing himself for his people. 

Too bad, right?

But, Jaccob has a niece and I amused myself with her by making funny sounds.

She was a quick booger though. She's not photogenic.

However, I HAVE A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT!!
And although Jaccob and I hardly told anyone before we took action, I decided to make one permanently and in fell swoop so one might have all their questions answered here. You know, like an F.A.Q.

Jaccob and I moved in together. I still stay a night or so a week with my mom, but we live together now. Surprising, I know.

I moved in a couple of weeks ago. Well, barely two weeks ago. I have my own side of the room and he does too. The only awful part is keeping up with laundry because his brother lives with us, too. Well, I live with them technically. 

Oh, and food. I do the cooking and cleaning and grocery shopping. I'm sorry, ladies, please judge me later.

They eat like they've only had prosthetic food. 

By request from Alan, I made Scotty a Tardis cake for his birthday. It cracked in the middle during transportation. I told everyone it was the time crack eating away at the memory of the cake. Everyone believed me. THE FOOLS.

 Jaccob did hang up my painting. And I hung up my pig calendar right beside it (which the amazing Fallon bought me as a surprise). Which I've moved it since this pic was taken. It's above my "dresser."

 Fuck the alignment on these pictures. It wouldn't me do it in a way that actually makes sense.

The other night Jaccob let me draw on his toes. So I did. I giggled the entire time. Looking back, I'm grossing myself out. I was not sober.

But moving out is encouraging. However, my food, dishes, and laundry does not magically replenish itself anymore. If I have time outside of homework I'm doing that. If not, I'm with Jaccob. If not, I'm ignoring life and just getting my groove back.
Which takes two tries for Stella.
She just can't get the hang of it apparently.

Now I have to fold laundry. I will come back and talk more about my Archeology major. It's going well thus far.

P.S. - Another thing I truly, really, honestly miss aside from Mom and Amanda is my cat. My God I fucking miss that furry beast. Like a child I miss him.

There's Hopping and Bars

First off, let me say how horrible I am in the visual arts. I am just really crappy with a paint brush, or any utensil used to recreate an image. But, Jaccob and I were talking. I said I wanted to paint him a picture. He said he would hang it. Yeah, girls, I know, sweet. Whatever. But I did. This is what I did. 

THREE hours and two dirty hands later this came about.

She didn't like the bunny ears.

Alura had a 31st birthday part last weekend. It was fun. Seriously.
I went to my first bars.
Yes, twenty-three-years-old and never went to a bar within itself. And I did. Had my hand stamped and everything.
Saw Alan drunk. That was fun. Slurring his words and him just yelling, "FUCK YEAH."
Todd drove through his yard to get out of the driveway and got it stuck. It's still there. In the middle of his backyard. Alura was worried how trashy they'd look.
I saw some co-workers drunk. Really drunk.
I had to pee so bad and I was not, I repeat, was not using it at the bars. I ran inside the house. And I'm surprised this o' gal didn't get a bladder infection.
As Jaccob and I were leaving, they asked why, and I replied, "Because if he wants to have sex before I fall asleep then we have to leave now."
They hugged me and said how much they loved me for saying that.

What else has happened?
OH YEAH.

Got me hair did. Cut like four to five inches off my hair. A woman said it looked "mature." I like that.
I was in the Liquor Barn parking lot.
That's before I bought your Birthday present, Fallon.

She had too much catnip. 

Harshing on Vampires

Went to Todd's last night.
His son hit me in the face with a ball on purpose.
My face was literally :O!!!
I don't know what else to say other than if I could time travel....

So, Jaccob kept playfully pushing May, Todd's toddler daughter, backwards. She was trying to kick, but Jaccob kept defense blocking. All of the sudden she yells, "HEY, MAN, WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?!"
Don't know where she learned it.

So, Jaccob and I picked up some glorious coloring sheets at Kroger today when I bought him some lunch because I was a stubborn bitch last night with Papa Johns. (That's a different story. I just look stupid. Shut up.) He decided that this little caricature of a man being Dracula was going to be harshed up for me. I decided to do that same because I'm unoriginal.

That is what happened. Took me forever to find these markers. I know I have crayons and coloring pencils somewhere but they hid from me. I got so into coloring that I accidentally colored one of his fangs. The other has a blood-tip.
And those are stains on his shirt from being a messy eater.
I also added ear hair because that'll be future Jaccob.
I also put the setting at a Single's Bar because that's where Jaccob will be down the road.
I put everyone's to shame.
And I put my vampire green because Meyer's vampire's can fucking sparkle.
Fuck you.

Jaccob and I also had a special conversation. Because he's special.
I mentioned my dress.
He asked why wasn't it on my blog.
He finally saw the lock screen on my phone and asked why it wasn't on my blog.
Then he said he never recalls laughing at my blog since all I put here is funny stuff.
I call your bluff.

I'll only give him credz for this:

I'm the blue.

When we left Kroger, I finally got to take a picture of trunks with those little arms sticking out. I tag them whenever I see them. The little things, right?

I wish that was Jaccob's hand.
Oh, sorry.
It's my evil side talking.
Who the hell am I trying to convince?
That's just me.
Fuck you guys lata.

ps - Saturday rolls ever closer.

pss - This is for Micheru:
ス‐クールさん - ミチェルさん、 うちでおちゃをのみませんか。
ミチェルちゃん - すみません、ちょとお。。。
Ha, I'm still laughing.　ス‐クールさん's face....

Slice of Pie

Scotty - I try to be a good influence; not great, but just a slice of decent.

So, with the above statement, I just thought of this pie chart. Thought it'd be halfway decent to give Scotty an official blog post.

Ichibutt's Vacation

(Uh, was anyone reminded of Christmas Vacation with the title? "Did you hear that, honey? The shitter is full." <-- best line in the movie.)

So, I go to the operator's station to get some equipment and I happen to look down. I just glanced is all and begin to sign out my shit and I stop and look down again. Yup, the tardis just drawn. I don't know who did it, but it's funny.

High five, fellow team member, high five.

Friday, Gail and I worked together. Took me forever to make it back to where we work in the office, but when I did, I found this little box with the little figurine inside:

(You can see how much of an amateur I am with photos - my shadow in there and all.)

 I went and hugged her. Found her and hugged her.

I cancelled with Alura and felt awful. (PMS)

Work Saturday went really well, until I had to clean up an entire bottle of chocolate milk that had spilled all over the place while SIMULTANEOUSLY doing back-ups and helping guests. It was awful. Got sticky, oh yeah. Anyway.

I cancelled with Alan and I felt awful. (PMS)

But last night I did receive my b-day gift from Alan and I fucking loved it. It was all very thoughtful and thank you again, Alan.

Firstly, ladies and germs, yes, a Batman bag. Keeping it.

Secondly, a fucking RIKU card and he drew it himself (and, not to mention, he used my blog name). I kind of fangirl over it, but that's me and I love it. I'm going to frame it.

Thirdly, look at that fucking mug! I loved that mug when he showed it to me at his apartment. He made it at a ceramics class at WKU. I told him how cool I thought it was and he gave it to me.

Fourthly, the movie. Oh hell yes. I love that movie and he bought it.

Wonderfully done, Alan, wonderfully done.

While at Alan's and we were all gaming with Scotty, I was knitting. A good two hours of knitting.

I wrapped what I had of the scarf around my neck to justify its length. Scotty looked over and asked, "Oh, is it done?"

Alan and me looked over with shocked expressions.

"Yeah, she's only been knitting on it since she's been here."

With a half-scared and half-laughing expression, my hands hovering over it, "Oh God, it just grew here, I don't know what to do with it!"

I am planning an end of summer post that's going to be huge and hold my sassy wit that everyone seems to not notice (I'm an attention whore!). Kidding, folks. But, there will be one and I will make it large and in charge.

Field Day

It's a fun field entry this evening, ladies and germs.

The weekend's end is nearly upon us and some shit happened:

Friday - Nothing.

Saturday - Work sucking, then Todd's

Sunday - Gave Fallon her purse at my knitting lessons, finished Jaccob's hat, and got a little closer with the sisters.

Now to write this entry completely backwards:

(See the awesome bobbles???)

Oh me, oh my. It only took me a good three days - and that's finishing one piece of the three piece ensemble over one day. Now, sewing it together took hours because I forgot how AND I suck at sewing. No harm in having no pride in it. She loved it. And I actually can't wait until she goes about wearing it.

I'm fantasizing about someone else's fantasy. 

I realllllly need a life.

BUT, I am jealous of it, haha.

Jaccob's hat! Before you guys ask, no, he didn't want a pom pom. Please shut the jaws because I tried and he really didn't want one. So, instead of the tip being really, really pointy, I made it more round to make up for the lack of said pom pom. I'm sure there's a penis joke in there somewhere.

I really love stocking caps. They take forever to knit though. My upper back was fucking killing me. I knitted the majority of nine hours at Todd's. I really, really, really, wanted to finish it Saturday night... Sadly, I suck. I joked about it, but I was in serious pain. I could've taken aspirin, but then I wouldn't seem badass through this entry.

Then for making him a Megaman Helmet, Scotty drew me this flower with a random circle at the end of the line. I'm still trying to use my imagination, Scotty. I'm thinking wrecking ball. I almost thought of those balls in the pinball machine, but that doesn't make sense in the longer scheme of things. The lines are intricate and I do like it, Scotty. Thank you.

THE GAME IS FINALLY FINISHED. 

Todd, write it the fuck up. 

Ended with Hex dying and then regenerating and taking the baby that was wrapped in Kyle's bloody jacket. 

Dun dun dun.

I want to say rebirth or something, but I'm not entirely sure how that works.

Oh, ran a 13:40 minute mile, finally. I'm getting there again. I remember the days when I got to a mile and a half without stopping.

I watched 50/50... That movie fucking sucked. It was another cancer movie -- the director creature added NOTHING new. It was just a long cliche. 

Yesterday I was getting off my exit from the interstate. As I'm at the stop sign waiting to turn right, I see the almost passing car slow down and try to merge onto the exit ramp through my open window space. Now, instead of honking or yelling to stop, I merely shake my head no, with my eyes wide. I know they saw me because the person in the passenger seat started laughing and the driver looked at me then the GIANT "WRONG WAY" signs and backed up a little to the main road. Ha. They then chose to drive 40mph which is the exact speed to piss me off in a 55 zone.

Next entry will feature pics of my mom's stock pile. That's right. Stock pile. Fuck with that.

wait, where's the cat?

Well, I parked beside my friend, Fallon, yesterday. I decided, when I left, to leave a note. Since she's a huge fan of penguins I drew this for her. Haha, I put my notebook on the car, repeating, "I hope she doesn't have a car alarm." I am also surprised that no one had stolen it. You know how college kids are.

Wow, that was the only point of this entry. (I almost wrote essay -- see how much work I'm doing?).

I have a fucking headache

So, our mugs are finished :)




Amanda's had South Park characters on it with the setting and everything. But hers isn't as nearly as important as mine. I KNOW Africa is out in la-la land. Mostly because I ran out of the room. But, hey, it's like the continental drift in the future. I'm sorry, I don't know what way the continents are drifting. ANYWAY. Yeah, I'm kind of a big deal.

Today, I went to return a book for class at Book Supply (because I found it cheaper online) and when I entered I felt this powerful tension. At the counter there was the manager dude (hard to tell because they're all dressed so informally) and a student with books. They're staring at each other like they want to punch the other in the face. Halfway up the students intensely grabs his books and stomps off, literally screaming, "THIS IS FUCKING STUPID!"
Man, it was awkward returning that book.
I did kind of make the guy half-grin when I told him I brought my free meal ticket back (I WAS NEVER GOING TO EAT AT THAT SHITTY CAFE ANYWAY). I did try to be as nice as I could because no one was speaking and the tension was still suffocating me. Man, awkward.

Got a new perm today (my third one in all):

Every time I look at myself I feel as if I'm time traveling to the 1980s. Can't wait to wash it Sunday at 4PM.
Poor all my friends this weekend who has to look at it and smell it. Feel sorry for them.

Plans for the weekend:
Go to Todd's game night and create some kick ass character who just kicks ass.
And then see Kyle on Sunday.
I feel as if I'm leaving someone out. Feel bad for them, too.

It's worse than baby oil

That doesn't look like me, does it? That was me and Marina two summers ago. We look so drastically different now. Even she agreed.


Went to the Paint'n Place with Jackie, her sister and Amanda.




I painted the world on mine. That's right, bitches, freehand. Suck it. The inside was supposed to be the stars and the black universe. Sadly, I couldn't fit my brush in far enough or anything, so that's all I could do. We get them back in a week and I'm so excited.

My sister did South Park characters. I did not get any pictures.

School starts tomorrow so I'll see you on the flip side, fuckers.

it's okay to say oops?

I'm not wearing a bra and I feel like, maybe, that was a bad idea. I feel 80 and how nothing will stay in place and has a mind of its own.
Tmi?


I painted a pretty picture.
No one laugh.
I like painting/drawing... I just SUCK at it. I'm just going to stick to writing.

SO. Cricket and I hung out yesterday night. It was nice.
She stole my phone and again and took pictures (per usual).


Isn't she beautiful? The things I would do.
Maybe that's the booze talking.
Haha.
Naw.
Just block my face from your mind. Those clothes? Everything I had was dirty, stfu.

Experienced my first road block yesterday night.
They didn't even ask if I had been drinking. Why wasn't there a reason I wasn't? I wasn't, but it's the point.

A few weeks ago, a woman brought her "service monkey" in. She said it was a service animal and I wanted to ask, "What is that monkey possibly servicing?"

Marina snapped that.

I got really tipsy a week or so ago, and took pics with my mannequin... Or, "my torso" (Cricket calls it).


Hehe, that one is my favourite.

OH OH OH.
I have conversations from last night. Hold on, I have to write them down.
Me - Yeah, my mother asks me about once a week, "heather, are you a lesbian?"
Tina - Well, are you?
Me - *offended face*
Tina - It's okay. Just tell me, are you?
Me - *offended face over to Cricket; she shrugs*
Tina - Hey, at one point I had to ask Cricket because she wasn't dating any boys.
Me - *drops offended face* That's because boys are boring and have no personality.
Tina - It's okay, Ichi, I understand.

Then we started reading random things from the guide as her father flipped through channels.
"I wanna relieve my foot pain!"

Then we started talking about hamsters. Because Zak killed one, squeezed it too hard.
Someone I can't Hear - Go play with a hamster.
Me - No. Then I can get hamster rabies. Then I turn into Hamstergirl.
Cricket & Tina - *laugh*
Me - What would my powers be?
Cricket - You could stuff a lot of stuff into your cheeks.
Me - I can run really fast!
Cricket - you could claw through almost anything.
Tina - You could bite through things---
Cricket - Yeah, you could bite through almost anything. You'd have gigantic buckteeth.
Me - I would have the cute factor to level ten.
Cricket - You would have the whiskers. You would have the ability to know if your entire body would fit through something by, you know, the whiskers.
Me - But what could I shoot out through my wrists?
Tina - Nothing.
Me - Awwwwww.
Cricket - Poop!
Tina - Little pellet poop.
Me - Oooh, nasty. I wouldn't go there, ever.
Tina - You could bend over and be like, "Pow pow pow!"
Cricket - You'd be able to eat almost anything. You would have a fascination with wheels.
Me - I could have some fun with that.
Cricket - It would be really easy to entertain yourself.

I love her. Cricket I mean, not Tina, haha.
But, isn't she cute? She realllllly got into that.

LOOOOOOOVVVEEEEE.

you can still hear me

Marina, Cricket and I all went to the Hookah Lounge.
Amazing.
We all had a good time and the only white guy who works there liked my purse.
I'll have more pics of us later on when I get them from Marina. In one of them, when I was positioning myself, I nearly knocked over the hookah. Marina, you screamed like a little bitch. That white guy looked over so quickly, haha.

OH MY OH MY.
Legion is one HORRIBLE movie. The only good part had to be the father and son duo. ('But Pa, I'm only retarded a little.')
That movie is possibly the worst of 2009 or whenever it fucking came out. Who in the hell thought they would make money off it? Honestly?

Cricket - I met ichi's friend today.
Me - Marina.
Cricket - Oh, I was wanting to call her Marena or something like that so I didn't.
Me - You should. Even after she corrects you just keep doing it.
(*this is just a reminder... I still want you to do that.)

Then I was getting aggravated because everyone had their own lighter and I'm not used to it so I kept trying to hand it over. Haha. Then I was raving about a system I had and how I loved that I didn't have to move my elbow on my knee. Just afterward I started drumming on my thighs. For a good two minutes, doing little tunes.

*Cricket turns to her computer to turn on Tom Petty*
Me - Press T. Just press T.
Cricket - *still going through her music*
Me - Press T. Just PRESS T.
Cricket - *presses a button that I can't see and Tom Petty starts to play*
Me - *shuts up* Did you press T?
Cricket - Nope.
Me - Why didn't you press T?

Learned that I had sung 'still doll' to them in the car one day. Don't remember that shit, but wow.
If you don't know what that is, here's a youtube link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BWUxZ7LIUss

WE COLORED.
Cricket's

(click on me to be bigger!)

ichi's

(click on me to be bigger!)

ps -
http://tinypic.com/m/aooodh/2
hehehehehehe