Bow Ties Are Cool

So, I have finally had enough of facebook's idiocracy, well, I guess it's better to say humanity's idiocracy. I have permanenlty deleted it. Ah, feels so nice. Like Jacob Marley was finally released of his shame and torment.

Anyway. I, in my never-ending nostalgia and sentimentality, saved all the posts I would like to remember. You know me. Below are them and yeah, that's how I'll end it:


January 7, 2012
Amanda *to me* - what did you get on your personality test?
Mom - a bitch.

Hahahaha

Febuary 13, 2012
Mom - Oh my God! Heather! Your sister doesn't know what "Once Bitten, Twice Shy" is!
Me - What, seriously, Amanda? *goes to computer to play it*
Mom - I blame this on you, Heather! You're an awful older sister.
Me - Hey, that's by Def Leppard, right?
Mom - *pause* Oh my God!

December 22, 2011
Randy is an older cousin of mine who just is sexist.
Randy - Heather, you're getting to the age where selection is limited. When you hit your thirties you're not going to have anyone.
Me - What? I'm only 22! Besides I don't need a man to make me complete.
Randy - Well, you can believe what you want: Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny or Snow White.
I walked away.

November 22, 2011
This guy was on his phone and was telling this girl, "you're fucking stupid, you're crazy! Shut the fuck up. You're fucking crazy! Are you coming to get me or not?"
Hahahahaha.

November 15, 2011
Marina - Yeah, and she said we could stay at her beach house in Cali.
Me - That would be awesome but we would have to go during the spring because in the summer I would have to wear SPF 75.
Marina - Ha, I would be as dark as this *points to soy sauce.* Then they would be like, "Where's your friend?"
Me - Haha, then I would say, "Turn on the light."

November 12, 2011
Amanda - Man my hand is cramping from mixing that cake.
Me - Man, it must be so hard to hold a mixer which mixes it all for you.
Amanda - And in a figure eight!

November 7, 2011
Amanda - how do you spell 'latte'?
Mom - l-a-t-t-e.
Amanda - what accent goes over the e?
Mom - a forward slash.

November 1, 2011
Me - Mom, what's your blood type?
Mom - I don't know.
Me - Seriously! Dad, do you know yours?
Dad - *in a dark deep voice* I have the blood type A to Z -- the rarest of them all.

October 19, 2011
(This is funny given the situation. Men are fucking stupid -- there's the situation.)
I am on a manhunt. They better paint their doorways with the blood of a lamb.

October 12, 2011
(via my sister:)
Me: Why don't you just go out on a date?

Heather Ichi Borders: I DON'T DATE! I hang out intimately.

Me: ...

October 12, 2011
Amanda - *Just opens the microwave* Who did this!
Me - Hahahaha, I did.
Amanda - What happened!
Me - My spaghetti exploded this morning.
Amanda - Weren't you in the room?
Me - Yes, I was watching it.
Amanda - Why didn't you take it out?
Me - It wasn't finished.

September 29, 2011
I have to be verbally tutored in French. Haha. I sound a child who just learned its voice.

September 17, 2011
Mom - every time I see that book 'Fated' I think it says 'Fat-ed.'
Me - Haha, Then I gained 50lbs!
Mom - But I wasn't fat enough!
Me - I was on the road of weight gain!

September 10, 2011
On my French homework: "Elles sont en retard (late)."
I like how he HAD to put that it was late. Hahaha.

August 27, 2011
Mom was clipping coupons when she smarted off to me. My reply: "Mom! Better be quiet before I huff and puff and blow all your coupons around the living room!"

August 21, 2011
If my sister is caring armfuls of stuff, I like to run ahead to her room, lock the door and close it. Ha, Amanda Borders, ha.

August 11, 2011
Mom told me to put what I needed on a shopping list.
It reads, "Onions, tomatoes, salvia, peppers, potatoes, battery acid, sudafed, cat litter (absorbing crystals) and drano."

July 26, 2011
Someone should organize a fundraiser so I can go to Las Vegas. All proceeds go directly to Heather Ichi Borders and the Heather Ichi Borders Fund for Fun.

June 30, 2011
(This is actually from a story I wrote - I had to search my mind for that one.)
Walking up to the corner, he pressed the button to walk across the street and she stopped behind him, whispering, "I was just mugged."
He laughed.
The woman, with her wild hair and purse clutched to her saggy chest. "You don't believe me?"
Victor took a very long, deep breath before replying, "No, you still have your purse."
Ha.

June 24, 2011
Dad - Man, I'm bloated. Shouldn't have ate all that ice cream.
Me - Should have taken that Lactaid.
Dad - It's all in my Gastric Bypass.
Amanda Borders - Dad, that's a surgery.

June 13, 2011
Me and Sister - *laughing, talking, laughing*
Mom - Heather, *points to old dog bed* Dirty trashbag.
Me - Okay, gotcha, dirty trashbag.
*pause*
Me - Wait, what?

May 30, 2011
Me - Mom, is there a history of schizophrenia?
Mom - No, but isn't that where you have different personalities?
Me - There are different types of schizophrenia.
Mom - Well, be a maid, or a cook. Turn into something useful for me.

May 24, 2011
AND my wine turned my teeth blue. My sister said, "You know what you should do? Just keep brushing, that's what you should do."

May 3, 2011
So I forgot to close the lid on my gas tank. Didn't realize until I was driving down the interstate. Then as I'm debating to pull over to close it, the wind smacked my car and closed it for me. Awesome.

April 17, 2011
I was listening to Hell's Bells and stopped in a right turn lane. All of the sudden I hear a woman scream, "HELL'S BELLS!" And I immediately look up. No one. As I'm pulling up to turn my right I see this middle-aged chubby woman with sunglasses staring at me. She opened her mouth to smile.
Very creepy.

March 6, 2011
My mom nearly tripped in the kitchen. I laughed, saying, "Have a nice trip?"
My mom stopped and looked at me, laughing herself. "What? I've never heard that before!"
Guys, she was serious.

March 3, 2011
I honestly wanted to unleash my girly powers when the ewoks came on screen.

Febuary 24, 2011
Mom - what's a cafe aller? (I thought she said)
Amanda - coffee--
Me - coffee to go?
Amanda - no. Coffee and milk. Cafe a lait.

Febuary 15, 2011
I heard this in class:
One - her head is so small to her body. Every time I look at her --
Two - like where is your balance motherfucker. Haha she looks like an upside-down spinning top.

Febuary 8, 2011
Tried to open my beer with a potato peeler. Why? Because my keychain bottle opener broke. Anyway, tried several times with many misses on my hand then realized the corkscrew had a bottle opener on it. Crazy world.
Also editing papers. I rule.

January 31, 2011
Marina - you're going to be such a badass in japan.
Me - I know. And im considered nice here.
Marina - theyre rude there, too. Serious. Especially when you get your nails done.

January 12, 2011
(from another story of mine.)
Mickey swallowed, a huge lump sliding down his thin throat. “I’m fine. Tonight is the last night.”
“What?” The group asked together.
“Yes, after tonight, it’ll be over and we’ll be home.”
“Are you sure?” Donald asked.
Goofy wagged his tail, “Yeah, gawsh, I can’t imagine being home, with Pluto again.”
Everyone shifted uncomfortably. They all thought the same thing and all got nauseous thinking about it.