Last Post In My Adulthood

See, since my father passed away, died, kicked the fucking bucket, bought that goddamn farm I've had radical changes. Wait, I shouldn't say that in past final tense. I'm still finding out what's wrong with me, who my friends are. I'm not meaning this in some fucking friendly fire to get attention like those mindless ginnies on facebook. I actually mean adult friends who won't ask questions and will stay with you until your mind goes. No, all my friends abandoned me when my moods started to swing like that pendulum in Edgar Allen Poe's tale.

I am not depressed.
I am not a spoiled bitch who wants attention.
I actually am bipolar.

This means that I cannot control my emotions. Sometimes I get so bad that I have to call people so I won't hurt myself or others. It's a nice little perk of knowing me.

Jaccob, Fallon, Becky, Marina, and my family have stayed, but the others... Who's to blame them? Who wants to constantly get called off or spoken down to. I cannot control myself in my fits of rage.

When my father died I had a belated reaction. Took me four months before I began to cry, on hands and knees, that he was dead. People don't get over death, they sort of keep it in the pocket of their goddamn hearts -- coping. Coping does not mean that they're over it and butterflies land on some fucking noses. Coping means you learn to live without the person.

To help understand.
I can miss my mother and sister. I can miss my father. But the difference is I can see only two out of the three. I will never be able to cure the missing with my father. He's gone. Utterly and completely deleted from this world. One of those files that fry with your hard drive. I can no longer ask, "Hey, daddy-o, remember that one song that I liked in the car that one time we went to get breakfast.... I can't remember past this one lyric....?" Nah, so many unanswered questions. It'll have to stay like that too. That's what people don't understand.

You know, when I started feeling the grief I couldn't sleep. Hell, I couldn't sleep since we left the hospital. I would sleep in two hour intervals, if that, and hope my family (who were greiving) didn't see my black eyes. It wasn't until I moved in with the fucking love of my life, Jaccob, could I sleep. Something about sleeping beside another breathing human you love helped me.

But he didn't understand at first. No one fucking did so I give a huge berth of understanding. Hell, this is funny, so pay attention. Jaccob knew I couldn't sleep without him -- we fought on the weekends he wanted to be out at 3AM. One particular night Todd (you guys see that fucking face to your right? Yeah, him) hosted a guy night. Jaccob promised me home by a decent hour since fuckface lived five minutes away. Well, to sleep, because I had to work the next morning, I had to stone myself into a goddamn stupor. Crawl to the bed, and leave my mind to force my body to shut down.

He didn't return home until fucking 2AM, because Todd's wife, Alura (referred to as cuntface now) decided to get "accidentally" drunk at a house party (with people she didn't know) at 31-years-old... Two kids sleeping soundly in their beds under the ages of ten. Hell, this is funny, isn't it? Because Jaccob and Eric decided they didn't want to stay and watch two sleeping children. Naw, they picked up Cuntface's ass and left me be. When I turned over and he walked in the door I freaked out. I thought he had been home in my stoned stupor. I got pissed, needless to say.

I stopped talking to Fuckface and Cuntface, just to calm down. I was trying to get over it because I didn't want people to change their lives for me, I just wanted people to understand.

So, in the midst of my anger, this happened between Cuntface and I:

Nothing changed, that's what we said to each other. Target told me I still had to respect her as my superior, even her husband who agreed with everything she said.

You know what's even funnier about those two? SHE CHEATED ON HIS ASS. Because he wasn't manly enough, she was bored, she wanted to ruin her life, I don't know, I don't care. Todd was told he had until August to be a better man. He's going to try for her. Although she cheated.

Know what's funny about cheating assholes? The ones you loved since high school and always fucked with your head. That's Kyle fucking Grimes. I loved him. He always told me he'd wait for me. That didn't happen. He took whatever threw itself at him, no matter how nasty. The night I told him about my father was the night he changed the subject about his friend that may be going to jail. We tried talking again, but we was making fun of me for having love for my boyfriend, how I cried after sex because I was utterly happy. One time, not too long ago, Jaccob and I came at the same time. Exactly. To the very second. How many movie moments do most couples have? So Kyle can go to Hell, just like the other two shitfaces on here who said they were my friends.

Fuck everyone.
I hope to never see you again.
I hope everyone moves the fuck away and leaves me the hell alone.

Fuck you.

I've Been Running on Empty

 (Em is her friend. Took me a bit to understand that because I thought she was text-ually clearing her throat.)

I do decree it was lame of her to use "Lmao."

I got my hair did. It's that short all around. Originally she had it flat-ironed to my head. My round fucking head. Even the bangs she left me were trying to make my face a square. But I'm not a [square]. So, I went home. Cut my own bangs as short as I wanted. Then I wet it and let my natural curl take place. In person, it looks very vintage-British. I like to think I'm that cool.

Jaccob is playing Sleeping Dogs right now. I'm trying to find middle ground in music. I have been devotedly listening to his Pandora station "The Used." So I find songs. Right now, I'm listening to The Used's album In Love and Death. I'm trying really hard. He did with mine. The only band he successfully likes is The Black Kids, and they haven't made an album in a few years. He got me obsessed with Kings of Leon. They've been dominating my playlist for several upon several months. My favorite album is still Only by The Night. So, if you find a kick ass shirt with that album, hit me up.
They're the only band I actually want to see live at the moment.

My puppy is proving how much of a strict, dominate mother I would be.
I'm talking, sit down and listen.
River does neither. She's so fucking defiant. The other day when it was merely me and her, she looked me right in the eyes and began peeing.
I started cursing and trying to catch her. She knew what she did. That's why she high-tailed it out of there.
She also likes pissing on my bed. I wouldn't let her up here anymore, but those puppy eyes do swoon Jaccob and Jaccob swoons me. It's a very rough cycle, very rough on the skin. Have to moisturize twice a day.

I have nothing interesting to say.

Oh. When I was at the gas station the other day. I heard some guy coughing up something. I looked over and some dusty, middle-aged guy was chucking out his lunch beside his pick-up truck. Then he stopped, wiped off his lips with his forearm and just casually headed up to the minit mart.
Kudos, stranger.
I've seen more people vomit out and around their car than actually seeing my vomit hit the toilet. I know, I miss a lot.
Ha, get it?

I'm about to piss my pants.

The Deal With Baths

Okay, folks, I apologize for my blank mishap with my last post. I got this new google docs app, and it said I could edit and delete posts. To see if that worked, I made that. Then there are two options: one, I'm a fucking moron because I couldn't find out how and I'm too proud to click the question mark, or, two, they're fucking idiots.
That's right, it's the latter.

Right now, Jaccob and I are watching Dr. No. River is in my lap, curled up and sleeping. It's awkward trying to type over her.

So I thought of a new story idea one night, just on the edge of sleep. I think I startled Jaccob when I said, "I just thought of it!" But that was what I intended.
I told him and now he wants to join me.
I like writing sci-fi horror and that's basically what he reads/watches. So whenever I go over those parts, he broadens my ideas to a spectacular level.
So, I told him when we do write it, I'm going to dedicate it to him with, "To Jaccob, my personified imagination."

Okay, I have some unruly obsession with making out lists of the pros and cons of baths and showers.
Surprisingly, they come out about equal.
However, I am a bath girl. I fucking love soaking in some soapy, used (from me) water. I also like to usually smoke a little, but that's neither here nor there. I really miss huge tubs. They're rare in my tiny world, but well appreciated. See, baths, to me, hold some kind of resolution of innate calmness.
Downsides, you're in your own filth. And if you have to shave your pits or something, you kind of marinate with the hairs until you're finished and well saturated with raisin fingers. Plus rinsing hair, especially conditioner, is particularly aggravating.

I have luck. I was at my mother's so when I came in, did my bragging, I put it in the front pocket of my mom's purse. Later on she texted me with, "You forgot your clover."
I replied, "No, I didn't. Have good luck, Mom."
BAM. Sweetest daughter ever.

I bought Street Fighter Monopoly for Jaccob. I kicked his fucking ass. He forfeited because he was in such bad shape financially.

Ha, just brought this in and didn't ask no one's opinion too. I fucking love this shower curtain.

I think this picture accurately describes our relationship.

I went to the book festival Saturday with my sister. Talked to the reoccurring authors, met some new cool ones. Especially this little old man. He was so sweet. My sister and I bought a book apiece. Saw my Intermediate Fiction Professor. And I saw her husband, who I'm going to have to take the semester after next.
We met Amanda's future self with the big southern hat, and the old style southern dress. Make-up right on the spot and everything. Very ladylike. Even wrote a book about flowers being in desserts. 

Jaccob fell asleep and the dog is dream-twitching. I'm in love.
BUT HOW COULD JACCOB SLEEP WITH A POISONOUS SPIDER CRAWLING ALL OVER A HALF-NAKED, SWEATY JAMES BOND.

I have one more entry to make.
Alas, I forgot my material for it. So I might have to wait until I can remember all that I wanted to say. Sorry guys, I know I'm not so much dedicated anymore.
River takes up my spare time and I love to have her to.

Night, folks.

Up in Knots

Todd knows what my title is in reference to.

Okay, so what if I'm not blogging like I have no life anymore. Todd said that I'm making facebook my new blogger. Go to hell. That would never happen. Only this place gets the funniest, raunchiest stories ever.

She's got you high and you don't even know....
I have my headphones on while Jaccob plays that Odyssey game.  This game is stupid.
Aw, Kaim was poisoned in battle. He has a green orb of light emanating from his head like some cool outer shell of hair.

This is fucking awesome....
Yeah, I'm listening to Thrift Shop.

The other day Jaccob and I went to the mall. While he went in the game shop, I walked into the nearest clothing store that is reputably known for having "men's style numbers" for pant size. Ladies, we all know what I'm talking about. Anyway.
I was talking to the sales associate who just finished this really mean older lady with her nose-picking kid. She turned around, tried to help me by asking what size I wore. I told her "thirty-three by thirty-three." (That's right, I'm being the strong woman here.)
She stopped, looked back up at me from the pants and said, "Wow, I'd never think you'd be that big! Nothing over a...." She hesitated, looking at the surprise in my eyebrows I guess and finished with, "a thirty." While quickly going back to looking at the sizes.
She was a skinny, tan, pink-nailed blonde. She was nice, just no prelude to her mouth.

So, I was tinkering in the kitchen when Jaccob needed some hot water for something or another. Well, I'm tinkering and he's running the water. And running the water. And running the water. I look over and he's all knitted-brow staring at the facet.
I smiled and asked, "So, what'cha doing?"
He replied, "The water isn't turning hot."
I looked and he had it up and right. The exact and perfect way to get cold water. I told him so. He tried to act as if he knew.

My cousin dropped his iPhone 4S in a bucket of his own vomit.
That almost beats the time when he dropped it in the full Port-a-Potty.

Honesty is the best policy, Folks. Very sweet of Fallon to think of me in such light. Amen.

I asked Jaccob before we left if I should try with my hair. He said no, that it looked fine. Yeah, Todd, Malachai, and May all had something along the lines of asking me, "What's wrong with your hair?"

True story.

It's okay to squee. I do.

I have to fold three loads of clothes. I know, stop being jealous.

Also, my tongue does that painful itch that you can't stop scraping with your tongue. It's slowly driving me crazy.

Been watching Freaks and Geeks. I'm in love.

Hey, no, babe, what you wanna do? I think I could stay with you....

Name that song and I'm out.

Oh Shit...

So I thought about writing a post about how much I like sucking dick, but I realized that Fallon has been guest-posted on iwillnotdiet.com and I am linked inside. This didn't bother me and until I realized some of the subject matter on here.
It's like I dropped the soap on purpose or something.
So maybe I need to cool it and act like Virgin Mary.

Today I woke up.
Today I thought about my name being Mary.
Today I was thankful that it was.
Then I thought about if I was related to Bloody Mary.
Finally, I thought about how innocent I'm not.

Todd's birthday was nice and well-paced. His cake was so much better than Scotty's (I am sorry that the time crack founds it way into the Tardis). It was just neater, I guess. Learned all the ways to avoid another time crack (that's why it's round).
I learned I'm more of a maid than a hostess. I just couldn't stop washing the dishes that were dirtied. Maybe that's how I take out my nervousness. Cleaning up after boys. Should I even call myself a feminist anymore?
By the way, Flamingo has been mentioned before on here, if you want to know the history (which I doubt you do), just search through my entries like you're a Historian or something (Fallon, I'm nodding my head to you right now).
By the way, again, take a mirror to "83."

Kyle's head looks odd, I know.

DUNDUNDUNDUNDUNDUN.
I painted this for my Amanda.
Took me like three days and a whole lot of patience I usually have reserved for knitting to finish it.
It says, "Meet some friends of mine," on the bottom. I don't know why that violet color would be good for black lettering.

I painted this old shelf I found in my garage. It used to be my great-grandmother's.
It's now standing in our living/dining room area.
I bought a bowl for it. It's sort of pity-looking. Shame too. Just like my great-grandmother.

I did not bother to clean off the table so you can see them in use.

Fallon bought me these gorgeous place mats for my apartment. The guys like them, but I honestly didn't care if they liked them or not, they were staying.
I also bought these purposely girly plates. They're light blue with snowflakes. They never said a word about them. Har. My plan to get reactions failed. On to another way then....
We bought all that I've mentioned at Kohl's. We went shopping because we missed each other. Too bad I can't just not be busy, or her.

Right now, Jaccob is playing the Batman game. I'm not going to try and look up the name. Batman slammed Hugo Strange against the glass. I yelled out, "OH YEAH, THAT'S HOT. MAN ON MAN ACTION."
No reaction from Jaccob. Didn't even act like I was talking.

It's jellybean season! And we all know what that means -- Heather is aiming for a new cavity!

It's only 8PM and all I want to do is sleep.
Jaccob looked back at me while his game was loading and saw me laying out on the bed with my eyes half-lidded from fatigue. He smiled and asked, "Bored?"
I slid my eyes over to him, saying, "Yes. Immensely."
He laughed, asking, "Then why don't you talk to me?" He went back to his game.
I looked back at the game too, "Because you don't have a good response time."
He waited ten seconds and then said, "Ha, no I don't."

And to end this:

I was texting my sister through my mother's phone.

My Boyfriend is Gay

He is. See, I took a bubble bath. A sweet, sensual, naked, frothy, steamy bubble bath. My skin pinkened, my hair got wet on the tips, and the bubbles just could not cover my lady parts. I even left the bathroom door unlocked for Jaccob to see, to talk to me. For the sixteen minutes I blew at bubbles, made shapes, and felt the little air pockets roll across my skin, Jaccob did not, not even once, come see me in the bathtub. I walked out, told him this, then said he liked men.

I did the whole set up. A porn director could do no better (of course I'm sure that the porn director would have another guy and a dildo lurking somewhere in that water).

He redeemed himself later, but, damn. He's that one fish that doesn't take the bait.

However, the point of all that is not my title's subject, it is that bubble baths, airborne, are absolutely fucking amazing. I completely loved the feel of a thick layer of bubbles moving between my sliding hands. I cannot think of another relaxing moment.

Trivia for this story: It was the last of Japanese Cherry Blossom Bubble Bath that was Jaccob's. I don't own bubble bath soap.

May gave me this and said, "It's a rock... That looks different. Just like when I drew daddy the turtle that looked different."

'Nuff said.

She never followed through with the rabbit.

Jaccob - Take the top cover off because I don't want to be too hot.

Me - Or collllld.

Jaccob - Yes. Because if you have the two....

Me - We get it. You're the Goldie Locks of temperature.

School is going okay. My first week was very stressful. Mostly in the unprepared sense. I just cannot get my shit together. I just don't have the stamina or drive. I wonder where I could find some... Probably in the sweat and tears of the honor's dorm. Those kids know how to be quiet and study. DON'T WORRY. I'm doing better. Just did my agenda for the next week and have some of the studying finished. 

I'm drunk right now, so I shouldn't really study.

I should be writing my story. It's hard to concentrate anymore.

I guess this is ta-ta for now, folks. Have fun in all your life's endeavors. 

AWKWAARDDD

A lot has happened since my last post. Funny thing is I can't even remember my last post. Oh yeah, gifts and hats. Well, now it's more gifts.

I went to Fishey Business to get Micheru a gift for Christmas because she has this fetish over fish. She just gets this calm look over her face and her eyes roll back in her head every time. It's odd and no one mentions it because it's so odd. I would hate to see what she does in front of her three fish tanks.
But, they had two Aussie pups for sale and they had their parents running around the store. The woman dog was carrying around a tennis ball. I got to play catch with her. I did for like ten minutes, it was fun.
Then I went to pick up Micheru from campus and we went together to get decor for her fish tanks mostly because I didn't know how big her tanks were and what she likes to see at the bottom of her said tanks.
I try not to judge in these situations.
We did find a little decoration with a clown fish looking very sad in its anemone.
(Don't judge me that I know that because of Finding Nemo.)
Then she drove me on over to Crafty Hands where she bought me the knitting needles that I loved of hers.
It was a good day.
Micheru never bought a Christmas gift in front of the receiver of gift. So, glad to take your cherry on that one, Micheru.
She called it, "The most awkward Christmas exchange."

What's awkward is that fact I thought a jellyfish decoration was, in fact, a jelly fish.
Neither Micheru nor I pointed out how sad that was.

That Water Dog is amazing. And if you've read my story Opal's Transformation, then that's almost what the water creatures look like. I made up a Water Dog. They never existed until I made them up. 

The second picture.... The poor soul isn't dead, just asleep. IT'S FUCKING CUTE.

We never take anything seriously.

I got airborne and was looking through my phone while cuddling with Jaccob.

We're looking and I read that spiders was the most common fear and that he had it.

Jaccob - Uh, it's snakes and mice that I'm afraid of.

Me - Oh yeah! *continues scrolling* You know what though? *clicks out and go to safari.*

Jaccob - Heather, I'm not scared of pictures.

Should've seen how sad I got.

One more final to go and it's Japanese.

THEN I'M FINISHED FOR FIVE WEEKS.

Can everyone count to five on their fingers?

I always start with three.

Get it?

Leaves and Spas

It's been a funny few days since my last entry.
Everyone keeps complaining and whining and being plain out childish over the order of my right sidebar.
Listen up, you hooligans.
I am going to reverse everyone, because order doesn't matter.
Order is not even for the universe... Remember entrophy?
Love you guys though.
You guys are my fucking hangover.

I went to Great Wall with Micheru before going to Spa night with Fallon and her crew.
One of the cooks has a toddler son who is just so fucking cute. Anyway. The kid is playing in the eating area, just to himself with some toys. Well, those toys were fake guns. He handed me the only gun that made noise and Micheru the one that didn't.
I shot at her.
She pretended to die.
He loved it.
He switched the guns before us and then pointed at me. Micheru shot at me. I died in my chair.
He tried to get us to do it again, but I didn't want to. So Micheru got up, played with him by combat moves. She rolled on the floor, fell down, pretended her body was being riddled by bullets by jittering on the ground.
The kid also had this amazing paper airplane. I wanted to steal it but he threw it so far away. By far away, I mean out of my arm's reach. But the airplane flew straight, could nose dive, and just be the best fucking airplane ever.

Then Micheru and I came late to a Spa party in Edmonson. I blame me because I was fucking hungry and wanted fooooooood.
It was a lot of fun, although I had to rub shit on my bare feet.
That's right. I don't like my bare feet. They're fucking gross. I'm not admitting that I have an eleventh toe, or one rotting away, or even having a toe that is crooked. I mean I just hate feet. They're fucking gross. I had an "offensive" saying about them: Feet are like retarded hands.
And they are.
Tried to make a shirt with that on it, but they weren't big fans.
I don't like feet, just like half of America wanted to vomit at 2 girls 1 cup. So, that's the best thing I can say about them.

In the spa we had to put some medicinal rag on our faces and breathe in and out 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.
The hostess said not to speak.
I said, "That'll be hard."
She asked, "What?"
"It'll be hard for me not to talk."
And it's true. By the end I was itching to speak.

Oh and the hostess had a three-level, that's right, three-fucking-level pirate ship in her backyard for her kids. It even had a pole to slide down. I could barely stand below deck.
Ha.
No, really, I want to go over there just to play with her kids in, on it.

Fallon - How goes it?
Me - It goes, you? I'm also resisting the urge to jump in leave.
Fallon - Jump in leave
Me - So awkward doing it alone.
Fallon - Im confused by what you mean
me - Jumping in leaves alone would be awkward.
Fallon - You just said "jump in leave" the s of "leaves" was crucial to understanding that.
Me - Hahahaha ohhhhh English Major.
Fallon - :P
She thought I meant "leaving" something. Really?

I tried to have my sensei let us try and translate Japanese videos because half our class was missing yesterday.
She said no.
FUCK LIFE.
haha. That would be the reaction to have.

Anyway, I have to go be busy somewhere else with my new fucking Reptar shirt.
Bitches be jealous of it.
REEEEEEEEPTAAAAAR

I Am The Mastermind

Today is one fucking amazing day.
Glorious.
If Mozart had the chance, he would've wrote Hallelujah for me.
But that's all I'll say.

Still owed Jaccob money. Totally paid him back at Ruby Tuesday's where he ate seven of those fucking glorious bread things that had a taste of honey and cheddar. Surprisingly nice. And where he also "swept" half of each on the fucking carpet. Poor waiter. I tipped him well.
Oh, Jaccob also lost a bet.
He was complaining about the ketchup, how it was too sweet.
I told him it was just Heinz, that it was all in his head.
He didn't believe. I went fucking proactive and asked the waiter.
I won.
Fuck you, Jaccob.

I finished his gloves which he didn't wear in the "shivering" weather.
I was going to post your picture, Jaccob, but it's too far in our text history. So, it'll be my hands again:

Aren't they cool as shit?!

First pair of "finger" gloves I've ever done. So, if they truly suck in the end, this is my apology.

He resent me the picture.

AND THEN.

THE WORLD INTENSELY WATCHED ON THE EDGE OF THEIR FUCKING SEATS WHILE BECKY FINISHED HER HAT. THEY CRINGED, THEY CRIED, THEY DAMN WELL NEAR SHIT THEMSELVES AS SHE POSED WITH THE FINISHED PRODUCT. ALL APPLAUDED AT HER SUCCESS.

It is fucking fantastic for a many-step pattern and your first hat! My darling student is about graduated. I will never let you go. Probably chain you. If you try to leave, I'll stab you with a fucking knitting needle. Those things are legit.

To even up the debt Jaccob had after Ruby's, he bought me a VENTI frapp.

With this name:

Now I owe him one. He said the only reason he bought Venti was for the guy to yell it out. (Which he didn't, boo ya.)

And this is a formal apology because I felt I didn't pay enough attention to Micheru and Megan. There were six of us and it was hard to converse. 

Official blog material, Becky.

And, while all six of us were at the table, Becky sent us something perverted.

It was a text penis with an emote hand in the middle. There was shooting cum at the end and a wink face (like it got hit in the eye) at the end.

Jaccob was giving tips how to make the hand look like it was moving up and down.

That one's a keeper.

I have to go now. Maybe I'll expand on this when I PROMISE TO POST MY BLOG DEDICATED TO THE WORD FUCK.

I have six and a half hours before I have get up and work in the morning.

Then LOUISVILLE. Very excited.

Told Marina I was going there.

She stopped all conversation and said, "Hold up, bitch. You're comin' on my turf and didn't fucking tell me?"

"Well, I wasn't going to be able to see you and I figured it would be a slap in the face... Like it is now."

"Bitch."

I miss her dearly.

Harshing on Vampires

Went to Todd's last night.
His son hit me in the face with a ball on purpose.
My face was literally :O!!!
I don't know what else to say other than if I could time travel....

So, Jaccob kept playfully pushing May, Todd's toddler daughter, backwards. She was trying to kick, but Jaccob kept defense blocking. All of the sudden she yells, "HEY, MAN, WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?!"
Don't know where she learned it.

So, Jaccob and I picked up some glorious coloring sheets at Kroger today when I bought him some lunch because I was a stubborn bitch last night with Papa Johns. (That's a different story. I just look stupid. Shut up.) He decided that this little caricature of a man being Dracula was going to be harshed up for me. I decided to do that same because I'm unoriginal.

That is what happened. Took me forever to find these markers. I know I have crayons and coloring pencils somewhere but they hid from me. I got so into coloring that I accidentally colored one of his fangs. The other has a blood-tip.
And those are stains on his shirt from being a messy eater.
I also added ear hair because that'll be future Jaccob.
I also put the setting at a Single's Bar because that's where Jaccob will be down the road.
I put everyone's to shame.
And I put my vampire green because Meyer's vampire's can fucking sparkle.
Fuck you.

Jaccob and I also had a special conversation. Because he's special.
I mentioned my dress.
He asked why wasn't it on my blog.
He finally saw the lock screen on my phone and asked why it wasn't on my blog.
Then he said he never recalls laughing at my blog since all I put here is funny stuff.
I call your bluff.

I'll only give him credz for this:

I'm the blue.

When we left Kroger, I finally got to take a picture of trunks with those little arms sticking out. I tag them whenever I see them. The little things, right?

I wish that was Jaccob's hand.
Oh, sorry.
It's my evil side talking.
Who the hell am I trying to convince?
That's just me.
Fuck you guys lata.

ps - Saturday rolls ever closer.

pss - This is for Micheru:
ス‐クールさん - ミチェルさん、 うちでおちゃをのみませんか。
ミチェルちゃん - すみません、ちょとお。。。
Ha, I'm still laughing.　ス‐クールさん's face....

君は僕のｖａｎｉｌｌａ！

Yes, I'm listening to some old school Gackt. And if you know who he is without looking him up, then I'm very glad we're friends.

Drunk half a pot of coffee now, but not in an impressible amount of time.
I am going to assume if I drink enough coffee that I will eventually burn off all my taste buds. I don't know whether to be excited or worried. Downside to no taste buds is that I could never be blindfolded and taste something. Would I even be able to feel the texture? Did it really damage the nerves? Upside, I could go on shows like Fear Factor and win a small amount of money (after taxes). I think the former would be more of a problem since my friends would stick fucking animal balls on my tongue and giggle excessively to one another.
I say, if I'm not getting paid to put balls (of any species) on my tongue then it's a no-go.

So, I had this large water I took with me from work to class. After class, I poured it down the drain while Micheru and I were finding stalls. As I poured it out, I said, "Mmmm, all those oxygen and hydrogen bonds going down the drain, mmmmm."
Micheru laughed and asked, "Are you okay, Heather? Having a water-gasm over there?"

My favorite part of Autumn? When all the chloroplast dies.

The other day at knitting lessons at Barnes-and-Noble, I bought 14 FRAMABLE PRINTS of dinosaurs with all the facts and time period of their roaming on the backside. I'm excited about posting them around my room within the next week. I'm gonna have T-rex right under my skeleton so SHE can be my protector. Judge not, folks.
Also, thou shall not covet. So, take that into consideration when you want to copy me.

Princess is being a little bitch.
One minute he wants in my lap and forces himself there.
Then he wants off and scratches me in the process.
BUT DAMN HIM FOR BEING SO CUTE AND TINY.
Or maybe he just likes Guns-n-Roses.
Whatevs.

This literally made me laugh for the next five minutes.

Spread the news everyone.

I have nothing else.

Next weekend will be big hopefully. I am looking forward to it.

Tomorrow is The Voice with two trolls.

Wish me luck answering their riddles to cross the bridge.

I have one.

Wait, I lied.

Digital Digital Get Down

This blog features mostly internet/text-related material. Reader Discretion is Advised.

So, Scotty did a group text with me, Jaccob, Alan, and some number I'm assuming is a girl named Christina. The group text included a picture of some tape dispenser shaped like an orange man on a toilet, looking happy as shit, ha.
I replied within the group text:
Me - I look that happy on the toilet.
Jaccob - Shut up, no one cares.
Me - Don't be jealous of my fiber content.
Alan - Lol, you and Jake both did [text in the group MMS]. Scotty sends me a mms and then I get one from Jake and 2 from you all while trying to bring up the picture.
Jaccob - Took you long enough. How long did it take you to think of that?
Scotty - I missed something, a picture maybe? Oh nvm I get it now. Yes, Jake you did.
Me - .3 miles. You're just jealous.
Random # - Who's this?

The first post-it (to the left) was left randomly in my desk by none other than Todd. I posted it on my little board. The next day, he added to the theme with another post-it in my desk.

I decided that he's my sponsor for eating my own dried mucus. 

A woman from work, Bernie, stuck this to my arm with a wink. I kept it in a better place. Right near my heart.

This was in our fucking workbook for Japanese class. I said that the guy running up to the girl was yelling, "PLEASE, YOU HAVE MY FAVORITE PEN!"

So, Becky, Alex, Fallon, and I were talking about how I had a place Fallon could crash if she wanted in town.

She said, "No thanks."

I said, "The bed is small, but I'd kick him out."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

Alex asked, "Just lay with him."

"That would be awkward - I'd have to be on top of him."

Becky chimed, "Well, first step to losing your virginity..."

Knitting lessons today went well. Can't post the pic of Becky without her permission and her choice of pic, but she's nearly done with her first hat! I am so excited I am nearly peeing on myself. Who am I kidding? I am leaking all over myself. Only from excitement - loss of bladder control is down the road a few years.

After school, I met up with Fallon with Micheru.

I was telling them about this hot fucking piece of ass who's a Spanish teacher. I told them how I fight the incoming crowd of the dismissed students just so I can look at him for a moment or two while he's gathering his things. I want to do things to this man.

And this guy behind us chimes in with, "Girls, girls, girls, I know you're talking about me, but damn. Control yourselves."

We laughed.

Then he said, "I wish," and walked away.

I like that guy.

The title had me think of the actual song by N*Sync. You know, by the time that song was released (2000) that was all coming around. It blew everyone's fucking mind.

Hilarious that they had to deliver the message of how fucking mind blowing it was with lyrics like....

"Digital digital get down just you and me

(You may be) Twenty thousand miles away but I can see ya
And baby baby you can see me"

Forgotten Idioms

Okay, so, I've decided to do a resurrection post of everything that's died out because I forgot to post it before.

< ressurection >
*In Japanese class*
Some girl - Sonoda-sensei, does Japan have a "bless you" saying for when someone sneezes?
Sonoda-sensei - Um, no.
Me - So, you all just sit there awkwardly afterwards?
Sonoda-sensei - No, we just don't mention it.
Me - That's awkward. What a culture shock.

Awhile ago Jaccob sent me:

I smell no sarcasm here. I am just reading something that's always right and always will be. I just read this and have to save this incase something took over his brain and made him forget every true fact in the universe.

So, he was afraid when I told him that I saved it.

So, he seemed to want to make lies (I think the something was already infecting him).

. . .

See what I mean?

I should host an exorcism where his penis has to go. Because, obviously, penises are a big deal to him.

< / resurrection >

(Because I only had enough memory for two.)

Last night I gave Becky knitting lessons at Barnes-n-Noble.

Micheru joined us.

So, we now officially have a knitting circle. Becky's hat should be finished before winter hits which is the good news. Bad news is when Fallon wants to knit the same hat.

Fall is here and the leaves are crunching under my feet.

Even that line brings a smile to my face. No more fucking 90-degree 10AMs. 

In other news, I've lost just over 20lbs now.

Stop cheering, Jesus Christ.

And it sucks in the way that my clothes are getting unshapely baggy. 

That, too, brings a smile to my face.

I have to go. I'm getting tired and I have work in three hours. I am just the epitome of awesome.

さようなら。

ps -  Fun fact. Even if the html tags are made up, blogger removes them in the posting process. Another fun fact, it allows spaced imaginary ones. 

Walking Furniture

Let's see if I can push through the nausea to write one post that has a lot in a short amount of time.

Let's get it started... in here. (Sorry, couldn't help myself.)

I went to the movies yesterday with Todd and Jaccob. We went to see Looper (I love saying that in a french accent). It was pretty bad. Don't get me wrong, I liked a lot of aspect that I won't dive into. Of course, I called out that it would be bad since the trailer, but the guys seemed to enjoy it, the trailer I mean.. Told you so. It was such a manly movie though.
Manly, Heather? How can you even fucking say that when you, yourself, are trying to blur the lines of gender?
My definition of "manly themes" are as follows:
1. Boob shots for the sake of having breasts.
2. Guns. No need to shoot of a gun sometimes, or hold one, but it's there and it's fun so why not?
3. Explosions. Hell yes. I like this one for the sake of liking it.
4. Drugs. A cool idea for drugs but I want to know if the person would eventually become blind.
5. Falling in love with that woman who lets you fuck her ass, but nurses your addict ass back to health.
6. The idea that women weren't cool enough to have simple action scenes.
7. Cool cars. The definition of cool here is loose, very loose (like the women).
8. Long, sweeping coats. Check.
9. Women stereotyping in general: very mom-esque (caring, loving, willing to stroke your hair then null the prostitution contract).
10. And one old man that all the other boys look up to because he's so calm in such a big position of power.

But the fun didn't stop there.
We went to Steak-n-Shake where the table beside us had older, late twenties, guys. One kind of did this snarling howl at a college girl walking by. There was some tension in the air, mostly because it was awkward and discomforting.
And our waiter sucked. Which was understandable because there were two and the whole restaurant was packed with sororities and fraternities (if they weren't, God shoot me down now). But, when we were all checking out I made a comment that I wasn't going to tip because he did suck. Yes, I've been a waitress, but damn. Then, as Todd walked out, Jaccob loudly said, "Heather, aren't you going to tip?!"
He said it was payback because I ruined an ending to one of his stories he had to tell Todd. Jaccob didn't get his guy time. Ha, Jaccob, ha.
Then Todd invited us back to his place.

We all talked for an hour and then Todd wanted to go crash for the night. We waited and then Jaccob turned to me and said, "Do you want to rearrange Todd's house?"
There were a few things I learned that night:
1. Jaccob can't carry furniture. He was fucking picking up the kitchen table by the legs. Holding the legs when it was upside down. Jesus, his furniture must be wobbly.
"Jaccob, pick it up from the bottom."
"Why? The legs have screws."
"They have a fucking weight limit, Jaccob."
"They're doing fine."
"Oh my god, just rest it down and pick it up from the bottom."
We put it down and then....
"Don't pick it up by the legs again!"
It was a looper moment.
2. I don't know how Todd got his couch in the den because we couldn't fit it through the doorway. We tried to wedge it but we gave up and pretty quickly too.
3. That with enough board games stacked on one another the boxes start to give.
4. Jaccob can't stack kid chairs.
5. Todd's house has a lot of shelving.
6. That I'm not really a bitch because I wouldn't rearrange DVD discs to different cases.
All in all, a very enlightening experience.
And we just ended up putting the kitchen table and chairs into the den, turning the couch around and stacking whatever you see in the picture below.

Then we stood and talked. I mentioned something about running. Jaccob mentioned that I just run on a treadmill. I said, "Well, I sweat in odd places so I don't want to go outside."

There was a slightly longer pause before he said, "But if you don't have like a giant," he took his hand and made a giant circle around his crotch, "sweat stain here that looks like you're peeing..."

I cut him off, "Uh, I wasn't talking about my vagina."

"Oh."

He said something else that related to my nether-regions and I told him that wasn't the direction at all.

It ended up with him telling me to run in a tank top since the way my shirt lays, it just looks like my shoulder-blades sweat. Quite embarrassing. I do, but I have a thing for tank tops so I don't buy any that I could ruin. So I have to buy some.

The other morning it was raining. Everyone has their windows up, so I figured I could actually listen to my radio as loud as I wanted so I wouldn't get as many stoplight comments. I was wrong. Sort of.
I was playing Black Hole Sun by Soundgarden at a stop light. Now, I pulled up making sure both the two cars on both sides of me had their windows up. They did. It was just playing and I look around to see what traffic was doing and I noticed that the van beside me had rolled down his window.
I looked at the guy and he was leaning upward to meet my stare and just nodding with the music. He started to open his mouth.
All I could do was do my side-grin and look away.
That man looked like he knew his way around a needle (I told that exact description to two people, ha).
People think it's rare, but for me, these little moments, and more, happen whenever I have my music loud. It's annoying.

Her description was just funny. And that's me sick all day. My hair is awesome.

When I say sick, I mean sick of you all.

Pocket Porn

So, Todd, Jaccob, and I were all talking about porn or something. He then brought up this porn star named Megan Foxx (see, extra x, for xxxxtra raunchy-ness). So, I challenged him to look her up for me on his little laptop. Which he did. And this, my little audience, is where this conversation ensues about porn sites where we all prefer our porn:
Jaccob - Don't you have porn sites you go to?
Me - Uh, yeah. Just not their direct websites. I go to xvideos, pornhub, youporn, etc... Oh, I used to love Megaporn before they put it on timed video.
Todd and Jake - *weird ass looks*
Me - Yeah, you only had thirty minutes intervals....
Jaccob - How's that a problem?
Me - Well, because....
Todd and Jaccob - *laughing hysterically*
And then I got it. Guys don't need long apparently. Moving yet informational. They don't like buildup apparently. Thank you, Jaccob, for making it all clear for me, and how it takes him.

I was at Todd's yesterday night, the other night, some night, there we go.
I asked Malachai how his school day went. He replied, "Talking in the hallway."
I went silent, mostly because I don't know how I was supposed to translate that.
Todd walked by and said, "Son, when someone asks you that, you don't have to reply what you got in trouble for..."

Then we were all playing the card game Poo. Its theme is monkeys tossing around their feces (How is that really so different than the other times they're hanging out with each other? It's not.), so, yeah. Anyway.
Todd asked who would want to go first. I voted for the oldest guy to go first out of me, Jaccob, and Malachai. The boy then directly said, "And then you're the second oldest!"
Jaccob yelled, "OOOOOOHHHHHH!"
What impresses me is that Malachai knew my age.

The same night Alura, Todd's wife, decided to buy a scooter. I am insanely jealous. He did let us ride it. Well, let me correct myself. He was going to let us take turns riding it, but I chickened the fuck out and decided to watch Jaccob. Then Todd peer pressured me to ride on the back as he drove it.
Please don't judge me when I say I chickened out.
I've backed up into both of my father's trucks - I don't have a clean record.
However, I loved it. The body is so exposed to the elements and the ignorant while riding/driving the scooter. Such a thrill (you decide if I was sarcastic or not).
On a side note, Todd sucked at curves.

Me: I don't do sleep overs. I suck at them. Every single one is a horrible experience.

Todd: You might want to rethink that second sentence. "I suck at them."

Me: You're funny.

Todd: I kill me.

Me: Not fast enough apparently.

Todd: I want to watch me suffer.

On another side note, it's the left side and the left side is outta here.

Eating Nuts For Breakfast

It's been a boring past week. Honestly has.
I have been doing nothing but school work and actual slave labor at my retail job. Everyone is gearing up for the holidays while I am barreling down the shameful anger and remorse that comes with facing said holidays.

Jaccob and I were texting:
Jaccob: (V)_(*,,,*)_(V)
Me: Ha Zoidberg (of course fucking autocorrect made it: Zooid Berg).
Jaccob: Damn Skippy
Me - Peanut butter?
Jaccob: With nuts for your pleasure.
Me - Nice.
Jaccob: I would say they are.
Me - Nuts? Yeah, very healthy.
Jaccob:

So, today, I went to Barnes and Noble to give Becky knitting lessons on this hat she wants to make.
Me *to Fallon* - Do they give you Latin names in Latin class?
Fallon - No?
Me - So they don't call you Fallonus?
Becky only laughs.
(Becky, you did wonderfully today, by the way.)

And then Fallon reminded me of a text we had sent each other a few days ago. And, folks, as she reminded me, she guiltily said, "And I was wondering if it was blog material." Since she sounded as desperate as Alan, Todd, and Jaccob, I decided to put it up:

Her rain jacket is a very bright purple, what she said is the truth.
(I just loosely quoted Ever After.)

So, there's this girl from Japanese class that I met. Her name is Micheru (I will and am giving the Japanese pronunciation). She's cool, we're cool.
We've had conversations about Kingdom Hearts, feminism in Disney movies, pumpkin carving activities, andddddd Japanese of course.
And her hair is very, very long.
While talking to her as we walked to our cars, I didn't look both ways (as Barney had once taught me in sing-a-longs) and I was nearly run over by some jackass that can't let pedestrians cross. Maybe it was my fault; I admit nothing. Looking back, some dude did honk to warn me, but I was already in the middle of the road before I noticed so I didn't give a shit and continued.
Shoulders back and head held high.

I failed my first test ever in college... My fourth semester in too. Seems too surreal to be real. Time to barrel down the hatches and fucking walk the plank to tutoring sessions. Don't forget to have homework give me the hook to remain at my desk, studying the waves of education.
(I tried as many pirate puns as possible, but I think they came out forced.)

Oh, to make Todd sound even more desperate, he said that feminist are femineedy.
He said that was blog material.
I'm about to put this shit in a  hat and draw it out. According to people saying this, my life is so funny and interesting that I need to record every detail.

Today, I took two shits and gave none away.

Good-bye.