The Goonies

I'm wearing your shirt as I make this post, Jaccob. [I was, but now I'm wearing your thinking cap.]

So, Jaccob has decided to make himself more of a man by asserting himself oddly. Here's an example:
Jaccob needed the pizza in the oven before we had sex. I told him sure, and I get out of "cuddle" mode to go turn on the stove to warm up. Then I realized I didn't know how to work his stove.
This little bitch then says, "Really? You're so retarded."
I push him back on the bed saying I'll figure it out then, by myself.
He won't take no as an answer. I keep pushing him away from his bedroom door. and he tries to do some wrestling move. I still get my body on the door to stop him.
I don't know how he did it, guys, but I somehow ended on the floor which was the worst move yet.
He grabbed my arms, while getting the door open. I was half sitting and laying down. The bastard drugged me out of the bedroom. And with my free grip I tried from his bedroom door casing and his brothers. Jaccob somehow got me to let go and he grabbed my legs and started to drag me across the living room.
We interrupted his brother doing his pushups. I yelled at Jaccob to go join him.
Then we entered the kitchen where he helped me up. It took me two tries to get up.
I WAS NOT EMBARRASSED. Just plotting my revenge.

Todd and I were talking about trust, and I said something about unreliable people in the past. He said, "Your trust muscle is atrophied."
High-five.

So, my sister and I went to the Great Russian Nutcracker last Wednesday. Amazing it was. Well amazing when there was actually a Russian Ballerina. The set was amazing. Some of the sets had Russian on the screen. Small things, people, small things in life.
The guy behind me and Amanda was ancient. I think so ancient that he couldn't control his flatulence. Through the first act I kept thinking it was the guy beside me. He probably thought it was me because when he came back from the break, he sat on the other side of his daughter.
I only knew it was the old man because he left and the smell dissipated. He came back and I had to verify with Amanda that it just wasn't me smelling someone's asshole.

So Jaccob and I got airborne sometime late last week. Well, we're sitting outside and I mention if he think it's cool that a mighty oak comes from one single seed. He said he wasn't. I then asked why.
He said because we came from one cell.
Think about it, thanks to cellular division we are here. That we grew and grew, expanding our limps and maturing our looks. I explained that to him and he replied, "Shut up, you're starting to freak me out."
Ha.
Then he mentioned a fun fact with sperm. That the last sperm, the lazy one, makes it in because all the other ones broke down the shell and left a pathway.
I then said, "What do you think an egg has? Layers of traps? Like it's like some fucking pyramid in egypt with its layers of traps?"

I met up with Micheru to go to a poetry reading on Thursday night.
She surprised me with a gift:

It's the pillow pet pig!

I purposely put Princess in the picture because they're both so adorable! He's looking at my snapping fingers again....

THANK YOU, MICHERU. I seriously appreciate it. It's very thoughtful.

My sister gave me her Christmas gift early.

IT'S. A. FUCKING. DOCTOR. WHO. MUG.

When there's hot liquid inside, the Tardis disappears and appears on the other side, with all the space decorations. It amazes the shit out of me.

I was trying to be badass so I could text Jaccob that I was him and being all kinds of punk with my Kingdom Hearts tee on. It failed.

I can't stop laughing every time I look at this photo.

That's also the thinking cap I referred to at the beginning of this post.

Saw a guy at Dairy Queen the other day actually take a picture of his blizzard turned upside down.

...

Everyone remember that commercial?

That's all I have, folks.

It's disappointing and a little aggravating.

Hey, finals end soon and then I'll have shittier things to talk about.

Like how I want to paint my toenails the most awful shade of nail polish I can find.

I'll make sure to make an entire post dedicated to my decision making....

"Then there was this green that looked like the exact color of my shit after I eat a bowl of Trix cereal."

Boo! I Scared You

Soooooooo.
Fallon, Rebecca, Stephanie, and I went to the Waverly Hills in Louisville last night.
Close those jaws of being stunned and impressed.
The haunted house sucked. Really sucked. It caters to pre-teens who had water bottles of vodka and one-hitters that looked like cigarettes. Public Announcement: YOU'RE NOT BADASS.
End transmission.
Two things were awesome about it:
1. Frankenstein. (I thought he was fake.)
2. This giant snake head.
The best thing about Waverly was the anticipation. They hype the shit out of you. Wait, they don't, the crowds do.
So, we drove two hours there.
Waited to even see the parking lot for about half an hour, maybe more where people walked, girls hung out of cars, and annoying teens trying to pass Rebecca on a one lane road.
Waited two hours in line.
Had a fifteen minute haunted house walk through and then out of there.
THE BALL IS OUT OF THE FUCKING PARK, GUYS.

So, here's the in-between.
Before we left Bowling Green we saw a parked hot air balloon. Everyone, geez, stop being jealous.

On the way there Fallon and I amused ourselves with our smarts. As we're talking, I kept trying to move around to get comfy. Rebecca said, "Heather, what're you doing back there?"
"Oh sorry, I'm only sitting behind the tallest person in the car."
Rebecca turned to Fallon, "Fallon, that was a bitch move."
"Yes it was, since I'm taller than you," I said with a matter-of-fact tone.
Fallon gave me a face, "You're not taller than me."
Me, "Uh, yes I am, shorty." (I added that nickname in so I can seem funnier.)
"Oh, really? How tall are you?" Fallon asked with a snarky undertone.
"Five six," I said, satisfied.
"Ha! I'm five seven."
I rolled my eyes, "I don't believe you. You're always wearing fucking heels and shit."
"Well, you're only taller because of your hair," she flatly said.
The haters come to the surface.
These curly locks get me out of tickets, air fare, and the occasional assignment. And they give me my greatest super power of all: Persuasion.
If I wish hard enough, it might come true.

When we arrived we waited and waited. When we got to the parking attendants, the guy said to move forward to the lady. Rebecca asked what. He repeated himself. As she drove forward, where his finger was pointing, she asked what he had said. Stephanie and Fallon said, "Go up to the lady."
So, with all the windows down and the man in arm's reach, I screamed, "HE SAID LADY, BECKY! GO TO THE LADY!"

In line we saw the so-called casket rides. They had little cameras inside to watch the people being so fucking scared inside. One dude was talking on his cell phone.

In lines to the bathroom, a random dude, he was definitely not on payroll, was walking around, dancing with people, getting pictures, getting right in faces. He was gyrating his hips in the air and everything.
I am hoping he was on something.
More than half the crowd was.
I think it's safe to assume he was.
But his mask was awesome along with his enthusiasm.

Really didn't feel like rotating this clockwise.

That's the ticket. As we waited there, they were playing awful punk rock music. Your kind of music, Jaccob. My ears were trying to commit suicide by killing off all my hair cells. 

And then THE WAVERLY HAUNTING.

It was bland.

Inside they have you line against an obviously fake wall. We did and the guy said, "Now, the actors are not to touch you, and you are not to touch them. We have had complaints of hair pulling and such, but those are not the actors!"

Fallon laughed.

The guy looked at her but continued.

DUN DUN DUN the pictures on the wall came down and all the scared people screamed and I was trying not to have my head on that guy's arm.

We walked through shit, people screamed in our faces.

The guys in front of me were so stoned or hallucinating off acid or something. I don't know. They weren't sober or drunk. It was amusing. One fell to his knees in fright once. He honestly wasn't acting because I wanted to high five him for it.

In the last part, this dead soldier wouldn't let Fallon and I through. So I said, "Fallon, let's create a wall and walk forward." 

We did and he started to back away.

I then stepped away from Fallon and put out my arms to touch both walls and walked forward. He broke character, smiled, and then stepped aside.

We left and on the way home the GPS lead us to a cemetery. Stephanie was getting so scared. Fallon said she was going to get her. Rebecca overheard:

(I'm taking this directly from Fallon's blog:)

Becky: Don't make her scream while I'm driving, it'll be bad.
Heather: Don't you wreck and make me die a Virgin.
Me:  Ooooh she'll come back and haunt you Becky, and when you are having sex she'll scream terrible things at you.
I could so see Heather doing that.

Funny part is, it's true. I totally would. Her husband wouldn't be able to get it up for the rest of their lives.

The haunted house would be so much better if they did timelines of historical events of Waverly's history instead of already cliched scary movies.

I am genius, I know.

But, I'm sorry guys, I have to go.

It's been nice.

As nice as realizing you perioded all over your bed in the morning.

Oh, those are the mornings.

Reasoning Skills With Sexism

I had a great weekend.
And, for the first time, I am not being sarcastic.
(Me - I was being sarcastic, Jaccob.
Jaccob - Your sarcasm sucks.
Me - It's just because it's so dry and I'm so intelligent.)
Friday everything worked.
Saturday fucking tired.
Sunday is/was equal to Saturday.

I bought quite a few things on Friday.
Let me explain.
There was a giant book sale for the library that Jaccob, Todd, and I went to. Jaccob bought an entire box full of books.
I had ten/eleven books.
Which included some Stephen King, RL Stine, and Animorphs.
Please, stop being jealous. Actually, I wouldn't have went if it weren't for the guys, so thanks for the books.
And Jaccob loudly said that there were Twilight books over there. I said, "Oh cooooooool..."
Then some woman stopped me to tell me I was going in the wrong direction.
And some man with an eye patch handed Jaccob a book. Told him it was an awesome sci-fi. Jaccob said okay, he would try it out. Then the guy took it back, saying it was in his box. That man was pretentiously weird. He asked what genre I liked to read. I told him mostly horror. He asked if that meant vampires - like I'm some Twilight and Vampire Diaries bitch. I told him that was sissy shit, but not in those exact words - his eye patch was enough for me. He was pretty rad for it.
When we paid, however, I had to write out a check. Now, I have special ordered my checks (since I would have to pay more through my bank anyway) and they have little pigs on them. They're cute as fuck.
The woman who was ringing me up was up in my shit with, "Why would you special order checks with pigs on them?"
I showed them to her.
"Yes, they're cute, but why? It doesn't make sense."
And when I handed the check to her, she said, "And that's how you sign your name? Geez, your bank must know you."
I looked at her seriously and said, "Yes, they know me by name."

ANYWAY, on our way out I spotted some train/car 3D cardboard project. I picked up one of each and so did Jaccob.
I couldn't get the front of the train to stick, so I had to tape it. HOWEVER, I built mine first.

I had to tape the bitch down. I also tried to make it look like the train smashed into the car. Sadly, it just looks like the train is humping the sports car. Poor things.

When I set it up, I said, "Guys, you have to be as funny as this to be counted as blog material."

That's when Todd asked if the train was humping the car.

I couldn't pass them up. This is what Jaccob did with his car. Props, man, props.

Afterwards, I won shotgun in Todd's car.
I bought the No Strings Attached album. Yes, by fucking N*Sync. Don't judge me. I lost it all those years before. I'm listening to it now.
Bring da house, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon raise the roof.
Does anyone remember that movie where Lance tried to be straight.... Even Justin tried to be cool in it. I watched it for them. Excuse me, just for Justin. He was my crush in my early teen days.
Then I switched to Eminem.
Where the transition from the "prep" to the rebel happened I will never know.

Then we went back to Todd's where he showed us a movie his mom accidentally allowed him to watch as a 10-year-old boy. It's called The Toxic Avenger. Best fucking movie I've watched this year. I cannot explain how hilarious it was.
All I kept thinking was how this explained Todd as a person for me now. It was the epitome of you, Todd-ster.
If you haven't watched it, it is on Netflix, please watch.

We did watch maybe five minutes of this awful Russian movie. I was zoning in and out of boredom with the long, over-expensive opening credz. When I came back to, I noticed the names and said, "All their names look like math equations."
The guys just nodded and soon I found out that it was just a decoration for their names and the real Russian came up. I laughed and apologized for my stupidity. In all honesty, though, that's where all the budget for the film went to.

Todd didn't like the movie Mean Girls.

I'm drinking Dunkin' Donuts pumpkin spice coffee. It's not all that. Taste more like pumpkin potpourri.

Me - If you had a chance to be a woman for the rest of your life, would you?
Scotty - See, that dips into the unknown, I would not. You can sleep with all the women in the world but you won't actually know until you are one. But, honestly, I would not be a woman because I want to be left with my reasoning skills.
Me - So you're saying that you want to be a man so you can keep your reasoning skills?
Scotty - Yes.

Walking Furniture

Let's see if I can push through the nausea to write one post that has a lot in a short amount of time.

Let's get it started... in here. (Sorry, couldn't help myself.)

I went to the movies yesterday with Todd and Jaccob. We went to see Looper (I love saying that in a french accent). It was pretty bad. Don't get me wrong, I liked a lot of aspect that I won't dive into. Of course, I called out that it would be bad since the trailer, but the guys seemed to enjoy it, the trailer I mean.. Told you so. It was such a manly movie though.
Manly, Heather? How can you even fucking say that when you, yourself, are trying to blur the lines of gender?
My definition of "manly themes" are as follows:
1. Boob shots for the sake of having breasts.
2. Guns. No need to shoot of a gun sometimes, or hold one, but it's there and it's fun so why not?
3. Explosions. Hell yes. I like this one for the sake of liking it.
4. Drugs. A cool idea for drugs but I want to know if the person would eventually become blind.
5. Falling in love with that woman who lets you fuck her ass, but nurses your addict ass back to health.
6. The idea that women weren't cool enough to have simple action scenes.
7. Cool cars. The definition of cool here is loose, very loose (like the women).
8. Long, sweeping coats. Check.
9. Women stereotyping in general: very mom-esque (caring, loving, willing to stroke your hair then null the prostitution contract).
10. And one old man that all the other boys look up to because he's so calm in such a big position of power.

But the fun didn't stop there.
We went to Steak-n-Shake where the table beside us had older, late twenties, guys. One kind of did this snarling howl at a college girl walking by. There was some tension in the air, mostly because it was awkward and discomforting.
And our waiter sucked. Which was understandable because there were two and the whole restaurant was packed with sororities and fraternities (if they weren't, God shoot me down now). But, when we were all checking out I made a comment that I wasn't going to tip because he did suck. Yes, I've been a waitress, but damn. Then, as Todd walked out, Jaccob loudly said, "Heather, aren't you going to tip?!"
He said it was payback because I ruined an ending to one of his stories he had to tell Todd. Jaccob didn't get his guy time. Ha, Jaccob, ha.
Then Todd invited us back to his place.

We all talked for an hour and then Todd wanted to go crash for the night. We waited and then Jaccob turned to me and said, "Do you want to rearrange Todd's house?"
There were a few things I learned that night:
1. Jaccob can't carry furniture. He was fucking picking up the kitchen table by the legs. Holding the legs when it was upside down. Jesus, his furniture must be wobbly.
"Jaccob, pick it up from the bottom."
"Why? The legs have screws."
"They have a fucking weight limit, Jaccob."
"They're doing fine."
"Oh my god, just rest it down and pick it up from the bottom."
We put it down and then....
"Don't pick it up by the legs again!"
It was a looper moment.
2. I don't know how Todd got his couch in the den because we couldn't fit it through the doorway. We tried to wedge it but we gave up and pretty quickly too.
3. That with enough board games stacked on one another the boxes start to give.
4. Jaccob can't stack kid chairs.
5. Todd's house has a lot of shelving.
6. That I'm not really a bitch because I wouldn't rearrange DVD discs to different cases.
All in all, a very enlightening experience.
And we just ended up putting the kitchen table and chairs into the den, turning the couch around and stacking whatever you see in the picture below.

Then we stood and talked. I mentioned something about running. Jaccob mentioned that I just run on a treadmill. I said, "Well, I sweat in odd places so I don't want to go outside."

There was a slightly longer pause before he said, "But if you don't have like a giant," he took his hand and made a giant circle around his crotch, "sweat stain here that looks like you're peeing..."

I cut him off, "Uh, I wasn't talking about my vagina."

"Oh."

He said something else that related to my nether-regions and I told him that wasn't the direction at all.

It ended up with him telling me to run in a tank top since the way my shirt lays, it just looks like my shoulder-blades sweat. Quite embarrassing. I do, but I have a thing for tank tops so I don't buy any that I could ruin. So I have to buy some.

The other morning it was raining. Everyone has their windows up, so I figured I could actually listen to my radio as loud as I wanted so I wouldn't get as many stoplight comments. I was wrong. Sort of.
I was playing Black Hole Sun by Soundgarden at a stop light. Now, I pulled up making sure both the two cars on both sides of me had their windows up. They did. It was just playing and I look around to see what traffic was doing and I noticed that the van beside me had rolled down his window.
I looked at the guy and he was leaning upward to meet my stare and just nodding with the music. He started to open his mouth.
All I could do was do my side-grin and look away.
That man looked like he knew his way around a needle (I told that exact description to two people, ha).
People think it's rare, but for me, these little moments, and more, happen whenever I have my music loud. It's annoying.

Her description was just funny. And that's me sick all day. My hair is awesome.

When I say sick, I mean sick of you all.

Field Day

It's a fun field entry this evening, ladies and germs.

The weekend's end is nearly upon us and some shit happened:

Friday - Nothing.

Saturday - Work sucking, then Todd's

Sunday - Gave Fallon her purse at my knitting lessons, finished Jaccob's hat, and got a little closer with the sisters.

Now to write this entry completely backwards:

(See the awesome bobbles???)

Oh me, oh my. It only took me a good three days - and that's finishing one piece of the three piece ensemble over one day. Now, sewing it together took hours because I forgot how AND I suck at sewing. No harm in having no pride in it. She loved it. And I actually can't wait until she goes about wearing it.

I'm fantasizing about someone else's fantasy. 

I realllllly need a life.

BUT, I am jealous of it, haha.

Jaccob's hat! Before you guys ask, no, he didn't want a pom pom. Please shut the jaws because I tried and he really didn't want one. So, instead of the tip being really, really pointy, I made it more round to make up for the lack of said pom pom. I'm sure there's a penis joke in there somewhere.

I really love stocking caps. They take forever to knit though. My upper back was fucking killing me. I knitted the majority of nine hours at Todd's. I really, really, really, wanted to finish it Saturday night... Sadly, I suck. I joked about it, but I was in serious pain. I could've taken aspirin, but then I wouldn't seem badass through this entry.

Then for making him a Megaman Helmet, Scotty drew me this flower with a random circle at the end of the line. I'm still trying to use my imagination, Scotty. I'm thinking wrecking ball. I almost thought of those balls in the pinball machine, but that doesn't make sense in the longer scheme of things. The lines are intricate and I do like it, Scotty. Thank you.

THE GAME IS FINALLY FINISHED. 

Todd, write it the fuck up. 

Ended with Hex dying and then regenerating and taking the baby that was wrapped in Kyle's bloody jacket. 

Dun dun dun.

I want to say rebirth or something, but I'm not entirely sure how that works.

Oh, ran a 13:40 minute mile, finally. I'm getting there again. I remember the days when I got to a mile and a half without stopping.

I watched 50/50... That movie fucking sucked. It was another cancer movie -- the director creature added NOTHING new. It was just a long cliche. 

Yesterday I was getting off my exit from the interstate. As I'm at the stop sign waiting to turn right, I see the almost passing car slow down and try to merge onto the exit ramp through my open window space. Now, instead of honking or yelling to stop, I merely shake my head no, with my eyes wide. I know they saw me because the person in the passenger seat started laughing and the driver looked at me then the GIANT "WRONG WAY" signs and backed up a little to the main road. Ha. They then chose to drive 40mph which is the exact speed to piss me off in a 55 zone.

Next entry will feature pics of my mom's stock pile. That's right. Stock pile. Fuck with that.

Ohh, My Head

Last night, Scotty, Amanda, and I watched The Dark Knight Rises. It was really good. The first one is still better. Simply because I think that they showed more of The Joker's new mayhem, instead of having a montage of a speech. It's all understandable, but there wasn't much shown. They took easy write-ups for things they didn't, and reasonably, wanted to explain.

I love Bane. Not as much as The Joker, but Bane was amazing. He was so big and forbidden. His accent was perfection. Ha, leave it to a girl to romanticize anything.

I don't want to say much more in fear that I might give away some plot points for my other readers.

The movie did give me a hell of a headache -- one that has lasted for over 24-hours now, even with medication. It was just so fucking loud.

IN  OTHER NEWS...
Today I've noticed that people no longer smile with my off-moments.
I went to get my oil changed and we all know how they check your lights. I forgot to turn off mine and at the end of it, he said, "You can turn off your lights now."
I laughed and he look very unamused.

Then.
At Subway, I mistook turkey for chicken. I worked at a deli, so I just assumed they had sliced chicken. The guy asked, "Which chicken?"
I pointed at the turkey and he asked, "So, you mean the turkey?"
I laughed but he gave the same look as the auto-mechanic.

This was their face:  :|

I'm watching Pride & Prejudice now.
They're at the ball.
Ack, love it.
Mr Darcy steals my little heart that is three sizes too small.

That makes me wish it was snowing.
I miss throwing snowballs at my sister who says at the doorway, "Now, Heather, don't you dare hit me with a snowball!"
Every damn winter too.

I'm going to end this now while I am hopelessly and incandescently in love.

Don't Ask Me

All the time I get a good, really fantastic, embarrassing moment from my friends and they immediately say, "I better not see this on your blog!"
So many good ones.
Some are dumb, but I am true to my word.
But I get to thinking about it and I'm just like, "If I don't have embarrassment, then what am I good for?"
So, Marina called me today. She hardly calls me. I thought she was dying, haha.
Anyway, she told me she bought her cousins pizza today and they had to go walk to have it. They did. So, later on, she told me to hold on. I figured they had pizza, or brought it to her. Whatev. Then I hear, "Hey, did you get it?"
I'm still cleaning the kitchen.
"Hey, are you back?"
She was speaking directly to the phone, I said, "Yeah."
"Did you get the pizza?"
I said nothing, realizing she was still talking to them.
"Tavia, do you have the pizza?"
I was still cleaning.
"Tavia, hey, Tavia. Tavia. Tavia." She was starting to sound really aggravated.
"Marina, are they supposed to be on the phone?"
She starts laughing, "I was like, 'Why isn't this girl answering me?'"
I was just laughing.
"Oh God, hahaha, man. Hold on, I'm going to call them."
I laugh in response.
"And, this better not be in your blog."
Sorry, friend, but I really wanted to remember this.

List of productive activities I accomplished today:
1. Cleaned the kitchen
2. Gave dog bath
3. Brushed said dog
4. Took a nap
5. Read some
6. Knitted some
7. Cleaned kitchen again
8. Cooked supper
9. Cleared off kitchen table
Now, #9 may seem stupid as shit, and it is, but my mother coupons. Since last year, my parents have been in the horrendous habit of cluttering our nice kitchen table with detergents, paper towels, dish soap, newspapers, coupons, briefcase, coupon bags, and lunch boxes. My sister and I hate it. Now, the difference between Amanda and me is the fact I am proactive. I cleaned off that fucking table today, meaning, I removed about 25 bottles of dish soap and made room for them on our giant shelves. I moved the trash bags she bought, the macaroni, the newspapers, the lunch boxes, and the ramen to odd points in the house. The table is now clear.

I don't know what it is about a clean kitchen table. I honestly don't. It's just like a blank piece of paper to me - anything can happen on it and it's always there in case something needs to happen, I guess. I just want it clean because I like to do my shit activities on it. Plus, when I cook myself breakfast in the morning, then I can just sit and eat and not have to scoot tons of shit out of the way.

So, Todd commented on my Summer Reading 2012 post and then, at work, we were having a debate on whether or not Ayn Rand was pretentious. Yes, Todd, she can be pretentious, if a person was to use to her as such. She's meant to take a leisure and have you think about what it means to have an "ego" in the literal meaning, the Freud meaning, and other things, but I don't want to seem pretentious. However, bunch of young know-it-alls like to ruin that, which is cool, I get like that too.
But, he went home and got some quotes, which I found quite funny:
(Just to make this clear, Todd wrote the response to the quote, not I. Ha.)

1. To say "I love you" one must first be able to say the "I."

You will also find you have to say "I" at the beginning of any sentence that uses the word "I" at the beginning of it.  Man, I was wrong.  This bitch is fucking great.  Woman is deep.  Of course to say a woman is deep one must first be able to say "woman."

Woah.  Wait.  No.  To say "I love you" one must first have a tongue and a fundamental understanding of English to say anything related to the concept of the "I" pronoun.  Guess she's not the smart after all.

Now, I watched this movie, Paper Man, yesterday and I loved it. I wouldn't watch it again, but I did it enjoy it to the point of writing this. Had some really good actors, recognizable faces I really should say. Very creative with the symbolism, the characters, and the movement of plot. A very smart movie with its use of relationships and connections throughout. It was put into a sort of comedy section of Netflix, well, movies related to Adventureland (which sucked, I couldn't make it all the way through without skipping scenes), and yeah. The imaginary friend was a great, great idea. Plus, Ryan Reynolds looks hilarious. Kind of wish I had the vivid imagination of this to picture a person with me. Don't we all... Well, except for John Nash, he lived to tell the tale.

FUCK IT ALL I AM GETTING PIMPLES AGAIN.

And what did I say when I start talking about my acne?

That's right...

Good-bye.

Summer Reading

 A/N:
- This is an exact replica of Fallon's Post.
- They are in order in which I read them.

1. Gates of Fire by Steven Pressfield - 400

This book was given to me by a friend names Jaccob. For my review, hm, it's manly as manly can be. How else could I describe a detailed history of Spartan warfare? The only thing it truly didn't disclose, via Fallon's brain, is that the commanders had sex with the boys. Honestly, how could that be intertwined with pissing on shields, dying boys, and girls who aged severely as she was separated? I did like it, it's just that historical fiction isn't my thing. I once read The Jungle by Upton Sinclair... The only thing the book has done for me has been making me look really smart whenever a history teacher asks if someone has read it. Don't get me wrong, the twelve pages of actual information were good. The rest was like a long-ass essay about the living conditions of the immigrants. I sound heartless.

2. Sacre Bleu by Christopher Moore - 403

This book had a slow, slow start. A reader would mostly be lost within all the characters who were more energetic than I could be in 19th century France. But what swayed me over with this book is the research. This book is set within the impressionist period and it is miraculous. He made the research just wonderful prose. The book was just less Christopher Moore than I expected. Of course, I was a huge fan of his earlier works and I love the fact his books are aging with him as well. It was very creative and wonderful. I remember reading A Dirty Job and closing that book with a smile. Of course, his infamous endings were nothing to smile at, but just the thought of a book about something so cliched and then he put it to the test and won. Does that make sense? Sometimes I wonder if I should stop.



3. The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath - 288

In all my years of writing I have been compared to a couple of writers that I remember: lois Lowry and Molly Harper (I was angry with this comparison). And, never, ever have I been compared to this wonderful woman. Well, I guess there's no room for comparison with her. The writing is exactly what I wanted to translate in the days I wrote poetry while having an affair with fiction. I noticed in my later years that without poetry I write less like this and I don't know if I found my style and am so swamped with envy that I forget about poetry all together. To sum it up: This book is amazing and if you like to think while you read with one-liners that are simple yet complicated, it's pretty conclusive you should read this one. Plus, trying to highlight all the little, discreet moments were the protagonist goes crazy is a fun game.

4. Anthem by Ayn Rand - 100

I had my eye on Ayn Rand for awhile. I thought she was a wonderful mind by all the talk I've read. Kyle even agreed and recommended this along with The Fountainhead. I read this one first despite his recommendation. I loved it. It was short, too short. I know it is seeded in The Fountainhead, but the whole ego theme Ms. Rand had going on was simply amazing. The collectivism she tried to convey was what I once feared in adolescence, funny to think about. It took me quite a few pages to realized what 'we' really meant. I don't know what else to say about this without giving too much away. Read it. I wish I could say more and that I loved when he found that one word, the pronoun. Bah.




5. The Physick Book of Deliverance Dane by Katherine Howe - 384

I had a lengthy review here.

I read up on the author just before finishing. She did study literature in college, so that atones for the amazing flow of the story. The plot was very well thought out - everything tied together, even to the smallest child yelling something as the protagonist walked through the town. She did so well that I am now jealous.

The research was amazing for the book. I give her credz for the amount of work she had put into this and still managed to not write it like an essay for lack of energy left OR make the history sound so boring that you think this is an assigned book for class.

6. Tiger by Laurann Dohner - 291

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
There's probably nothing to say about my mental dignity.
I discovered Laurann Dohner sometime last summer while going through some ebook sight. I thought alien and human pairings would be hilarious (and they were), but I haven't been able to stop reading her. She was literally in my reading list. I've read at least ten books of her since then and I feel so ashamed and happy. She is a writer, but it gets redundant (and I do too trying to describe her to my friends). She drops emotions like a dime. But I think she taps into that raw wanting women want from men. I think that's what I got into her. She does good fantasy writing. Mental fantasy, not the genre. Because mental fantasy is just saying, "It doesn't have to make sense to make a woman happy."

7. Ral's Woman by Laurann Dohner - 103

I did only buy this one since it was free on amazon. I didn't like the woman character too much. She was so whiny and it felt like she couldn't properly express herself without acting like a hoe-bag or a child. That's the majority of Mrs Dohner's books though -- whiny women characters who can't get their pants on for more than a page to think properly through the situation they're in. I know it's a mental fantasy, but damn, there has to be more sense built in to one woman than what this books radiates. If all women thought like this, there wouldn't have been a movement toward something better. About the plot... Boring, but I think it was the first one of he Zorn Warrior Series so there's much to say there.


8. The Vampire Armand by Anne Rice - 457

This book was just fucking wonderful. Now, mind you, I don't know if she gets paid by word or page count because there were chapters that could have literally been ripped from the book and it wouldn't have made a bit of difference. One chapter was literally about profiling all the past vampires from all the other books. A fucking catalogue about vampires I never gave a shit about anyway. Queen of the Damned sucked, people, fucking sucked. Anyway. The one reason I love Anne Rice is because of the way she expresses time in prose. The prose is mature and ambiguous (to me). I love the flow, the descriptions, the emotions felt in the writing. She's a miraculous woman and whenever I read her I cannot gather myself to write one word. She makes me that jealous.I wish I could meet her. I probably wouldn't be able to utter a word.

9. Shotgun Gravy by Chuck Wendig - 109

Todd introduced me to this book on the basis I resembled the main character because my lack of physical contact in the human world. Which is fine. And her smart mouth properly. The girl can't help it. However, it was good. It was written by a man who spews out more drama than reality TV, but it was good. I liked all his characters and that's hard to come by for me. I also like some of his crude imagery for a story that was crude and filled with dark humor (my favorite color of comedy). I would actually like the other installments. And, believe it or not, the dialogue is believable. Ooh, yeah, his action scenes aren't that bad. They actually make sense, but sometimes he wants a mean character, then has them have feelings again at the last minute - that technique never works for me. Despite the drama in every sentence and the guns in everyone's face, pay the 99 cents.

10. Burning Up Flint by Laurann Dohner - 194

I believe this is the first installment to the many great-ideas-but-not-properly-executed books. Let me tell you why they're great ideas first: Altered humans with cyborg parts. Reminded me of Cyborg from Teen Titans. great idea. Sexy idea. Men were smart but she made them where they didn't talk much and usually could shut the bitch up quickly. I read Touching Ice before any of the others here and below. It was marvelous. She could have added much more, but it had more feeling than the 'I'm gonna fuck you because I've been horny for months.' Bad: 1. The technical names were awful. 2. She said there were domes on Saturn. Wtfh, bitch, do research. Saturn is a planet of gas, which makes smog, which no human life would be sustainable. Should've said mars. Watch Stephen Hawking programs.


11. Melting Iron by Laurann Dohner - 204

This is actually under Touching Ice. I loved the feeling of it and she had better imagery than what I have ever read of her. She used more than 'Came hards.' It was refreshing. Now, Iron, in other books, was a dick and she purposely made him like that, I guess, but she always pulls back to his core character in other books than this one. She has these characters in other books, but when they have one of their own, the character turns to the same man from every single one of her other books. I am so tired of reading, "You are mine." Literally. Always said in every one of her books. It would've been fine if she then didn't make the main girl so fucking annoying you wish the cyborgs wouldn't ripped off her head. Literally. She was fine then she goes batshit. I was tired of this book 100 pages in.


12. The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty by Anne Rice - 272

I got this because a woman I was working mentioned this after discussing 50 Shades of Grey (never fear, I will never read it). I bought all three but now I don't think I can finish them. I know I've already said this, but I feel as if I have to repeat it. It's so plainly humiliating. I don't know how Anne Rice thinks of any of this. She seems to get darker within each of her books through the years. This was frighteningly scary. I wonder if she did research of experienced some of this herself. There's so much spanking going on that I can't properly read from all the flashbacks to childhood. Then it's disgusting to read in the mindset of a spiteful child. Ha. It was a spin on a fairytale, like Once Upon a Time. However, I would rather watch something like this than to be submitted to watching one more minute of Once. 



13. Stealing Coal by Laurann Dohner - 222

This one came right after the Melting Iron in the Cyborg series. See, she makes Coal's appearance in Melting Iron. I was like, "That could be a good one."

Man, I just call 'em out wrong all the time.

It was awful. She focused too much on her both emotionally abused characters to really let them get to know each other. It's sad. The dialogue in this book is extremely awful and unrealistic that I just ended up scanning most of it. It was paragraphs of one character talking about their past. So. Fucking. Annoying. No one talks like that. Do not get me started on the "That was easy" button pressed in every chapter. Oh, she also takes her evil character back five notches in this one.

14. The House of Tomorrow by Peter Bognanni - 354

FUCKING FANTASTIC. The author knows how great it was, but seriously, everyone buy a copy. You guys can read a synopsis but this the epitome of good contemporary work. His description, prose, characters, realism, fantasies, ideas, and the morphing of Buckminster's ideas and the chapters were impeccable. I continue to think of this books days after I read it and still think of scenes that had interlocked to the ending. The one true thing I did not like about this book was the sister, fuck, forgot her name already. She was annoying. I don't know if Bognanni only knows girls like that, he liked one long ago as selfish and slutty. I just couldn't stand her. I was hoping some freak radiation accident would've happened at the dome and she would've melted or something. No such luck. I don't know what else to say that hasn't been said. I wish it could be made into a movie so I could see the Dome as its finish product.

15. Slade by Laurann Dohner - 324

I had an entire review for this planned but now I can't remember half of it. Oh well, here I go on the fly... This was actually okay aside from her lack of knowledge of hillbillies, I think. It's kind of insulting when some authors just assume that the raciest nuts are southerners. Which, they have a basis, yes, but over and over and over again do I hear about only people with southern drawls are going after half beast, half man. And that's what was following Trish and Slade after wrecking their vehicle. It wouldn't have been so bad if she hadn't of purposely made them stupid in some parts - oh well. What I liked about this is there are only about four sex scenes and only half of them made sense. If I was a girl, I wouldn't have sex in the woods, after a car wreck, while inbred people are after us. Hey, I just may be the needle in the haystack. Actually an okay book.

16. Female Chauvinist Pigs: Women and the Rise of Raunch Culture by Ariel Levy - 212

I will leave a moment for the reader to give their eye roll.... .... .... All better? I bought this book because, well, I fucking wanted to read it and I did. I loved the examples she uses, as constant themes, Playboy, CAKE, ex-porn stars/strippers, and, in general, pop culture. I had to agree with Ariel Levy that pop culture is the main markerting structure to young women who never experienced the introduction to the sexual market, instead the girls were born into it - this is the only thing they knew. I feel bad for young girls today, having to constantly feel in competition with other girls - that sexiness is the only power we hold. Levy brought up a great example that we put sexiness on this pedestal. We do not know the porn stars, we do not know if they even have thoughts. All the could be are robots. We romanticized this image and we want to feel that image, the want and desire from other people. But those women, who were more than likely sexually abused in their past, are paid. They are paid and remain poor for most of their lives. They do it so they don't starve, or feel their only other quality is attractiveness on screen.

17. Women by Charles Bukowski - 304

I really like this man, simply because he's so easy to read. I think readers and writers often times mistake simple as mundane. I believe when anyone, whether age or maturity can understand a book together, that's the main point of writing it. I like Charles Bukowski because a farmer can pick him up off a shelf and understand the theme, the plot, there's no guessing. I liked women because, although the protagonist uses them, the women are very strong themselves. The only thing I did not like about the book was the early pimple-popping. I had to stop reading for awhile. Now, what I also liked was the fact that although Henry Chinaski was the text-definition of protagonist, he was the antagonist to the women. In the book he knew he was shit and it wasn't until he found good ones did he care or want to give a hint of change. It's good if you want something light to read and want to be able to relate to the male side of things - which was interesting to read. You don't get that much, however, women have their point of view on sex for an entire genre called "Romance."

18. Redeeming Zorus by Laurann Dohner - 169

I have been redundant in my reviews for Dohner's books, and I apologize, but damn, this is like reading some cheap, cliched love story. She could've done well with this. Instead she took a hateful character and made him a puppy in half a page. There are no complexeties to these characters, there's hardly back story, or emotions. It was like reading something by a teenager. Everyone is just attracted to everyone and don't mind having sex because some woman took off her shirt. She even didn't make the transition of his new personality that difficult. Zorus was literally like, "Okay, I'm nice to humans now because you're unique and you're tighter than my women." I really want a sit-down with this author. Hot damn, this book sucked. I was really looking forward to it, too. It didn't even tell of the happenings with Coal from the previous book, and it even fucking mentioned it in Coal's book! I think she was made to write this, because it had nothing else going for it. Nothing happened and the girl's always get so fucking annoying. Stay away from this.

19. Taunting Krell by Laurann Dohner - 238

I'm going to admit this almost beats the Touching Ice. She actually made a story with the main girl other than being kidnapped. Well, she kind of was, but she wanted to be, I don't know -- you'd have to know the backstory. And the backstory she gave the protagonist was amazing. She stepped it up, but that's all. She made a really great scene between Krell and Cyan in the beginning, when she was forced to stay at his place, but after that, down hill. It felt like she was forcing it again, making some human girl with D-breasts fall for the guy in charge. I admit that this was actually very well done. She connected detailed, she made an awesome story, and she had a more mature feel, until the ending. She seems to always hit the romanic side of 14-year-olds everywhere. I wish I could collect her readers and make a census on age. All the older women would love the story line, all the younger ones would like sex and the stupid fucking endings. How about some blood shed? About the two get dismembered in a fight and the only way to save them would have to combine their body parts? I'd read that. Ha, it'll be full of masturbation for love scenes.

20. Kissing Steel by Laurann Dohner - 184

This book finishes my mission to finish the Cyborg Seduction. Ha! I don't know if I should actually mark that as an accomplishment. Anyway. One could tell that this was definitely an earlier work. There wasn't much happening besides jealously and waves of orgasms. I couldn't really get into it since the guy on the front cover resembles Fabio so much. Not that that's a bad thing, but it does remind me of all those jokes and corny romances I was introduced to as a young teen. Oh my, maybe I just found my root. Ha, this book was so lack-luster that I'm rambling about my psychosis with romance novels. I just wish she had a mentor or something to guide her writing. I feel that, in the later series, she wants to branch out more of the same story line of a burly man wanting a small, defenseless woman to have countless sex with. However, if she had someone, I'm willing to bet she could branch out to young adult romance - but without the guys being hung like a horse.

21. Fury by Laurann Dohner - 376

Okay, so, I had to repeat to myself that this was the first book of the New Species. First book. First book. First book. So you have the typical hot, small human girl who falls in love with a burly man who just can't seem to control his erections or his protective instincts. Great, that's just required for all her books. BUT, here's the fun part, everyone hates them. Yay! I mean, I've never read a book that had so much useless drama and countless scenes where Fury had to get furious. (Everyone catch what I did there?) I mean, if some blonde hair chick caused me that much drama I'd seriously kick her ass to those hick protestors. I think this book did me in to reading more. You know kicked my habit. I was so disappointed. I was going to immediately buy Justice because I REALLY loved his character. But, amazon had some critics like me and they said STAY THE FUCK AWAY, so I'm forcing myself to unless it becomes free. I'm not paying money to read more of this shit. Next book I'll read will be something substantial.

22. Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams - 216

 Holy shit, I loved this book. It was recommended by Jaccob and I am very thankful I finally decided to read it. See, in high school everyone was batshit about this book and, on principal, I refused to read it or watch the movie. Of course, the idea of sci-fi made my external hard drive fry, but yeah. It was so funny. Nonsensical funniness that had me put down my book to laugh. There were two sentences in the book that had me bust out twice at mere thought of reading it. I will quote now, "One of Zaphod's heads looked away. The other one looked round to see what the first one was looking at, but it wasn't looking at anything very much." Now, to get down to business, the sheer creativity had me. Even his writing style was quirky. I have to say Marvin is my favorite - he reminds me of me so much. For those who haven't read it, I demand you do so. 


23. Raine on me by Laurann Dohner - 214

Oh God, another Laurann Dohner book. I swear I need to stop. I tell myself that with the ending of each book and it never, ever fucking happens. This book was as if her mentality was stuck at 15-years-old. Seriously. As if a 40-year-old woman never learned that adults don't use contracts for sex or that adults will actually talk it out if their mentality is of their age. Now, this books is about some bitch's husband that died and left her a shitton of cash. She goes to some hick town, feels sorry for her dusty vagina, and offers some semi-Native American 20,000 grand to save his ranch IF he exchanges the ultimate sex on her. OMG GAIS, he agrees. For two months, five days a week, or six, don't care, he agrees to rock her vagina. Oh no though, they fall in lusty love without knowing if he's ultimately a serial killer of old, middle-aged blondes, but likes to sex them first. No, they fall in love over penetration and shit happens that only 15-year-olds would not talk about and use the power of ass-u-m-ption to ruin  love. 

24. The Restaurant at the End of The Universe by Douglas Adams - 255

This, if I had to choose, I think is funnier than its predecessor. A lot of shit went down too, compared to the first. He went all out to give Zaphod much needed word count, and even gave Ford and Arthur a test of their friendship. Now, what I didn't like were the last thirty or so pages. Didn't seem like they fit - they were just rushed and bah, didn't like them. However, the actual restaurant part of the book was amazing. I loved his ideas for it and I loved his whole theme to it. Ack, makes me jealous of his ideas and sheer creativity for all things outer spacey. Even within the book he focused more on the Zaphod having two heads deal and it made me a happy little girl. Uh, excuse me, young woman. Trillian did not have many words dedicated to her, and neither did Arthur for the overall analysis. However, a lot more places and landmarks were used in this book to make up for the lack of Homo sapiens running around and talking.

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