I've Been Running on Empty

 (Em is her friend. Took me a bit to understand that because I thought she was text-ually clearing her throat.)

I do decree it was lame of her to use "Lmao."

I got my hair did. It's that short all around. Originally she had it flat-ironed to my head. My round fucking head. Even the bangs she left me were trying to make my face a square. But I'm not a [square]. So, I went home. Cut my own bangs as short as I wanted. Then I wet it and let my natural curl take place. In person, it looks very vintage-British. I like to think I'm that cool.

Jaccob is playing Sleeping Dogs right now. I'm trying to find middle ground in music. I have been devotedly listening to his Pandora station "The Used." So I find songs. Right now, I'm listening to The Used's album In Love and Death. I'm trying really hard. He did with mine. The only band he successfully likes is The Black Kids, and they haven't made an album in a few years. He got me obsessed with Kings of Leon. They've been dominating my playlist for several upon several months. My favorite album is still Only by The Night. So, if you find a kick ass shirt with that album, hit me up.
They're the only band I actually want to see live at the moment.

My puppy is proving how much of a strict, dominate mother I would be.
I'm talking, sit down and listen.
River does neither. She's so fucking defiant. The other day when it was merely me and her, she looked me right in the eyes and began peeing.
I started cursing and trying to catch her. She knew what she did. That's why she high-tailed it out of there.
She also likes pissing on my bed. I wouldn't let her up here anymore, but those puppy eyes do swoon Jaccob and Jaccob swoons me. It's a very rough cycle, very rough on the skin. Have to moisturize twice a day.

I have nothing interesting to say.

Oh. When I was at the gas station the other day. I heard some guy coughing up something. I looked over and some dusty, middle-aged guy was chucking out his lunch beside his pick-up truck. Then he stopped, wiped off his lips with his forearm and just casually headed up to the minit mart.
Kudos, stranger.
I've seen more people vomit out and around their car than actually seeing my vomit hit the toilet. I know, I miss a lot.
Ha, get it?

I'm about to piss my pants.

Cock-it

So, I paid four-hundred and fifty dollars for a cock block. Honestly. River loves interrupting our "physical time." We now have to go through a fucking ritual to have "physical time."

After I shower, I usually smoke. That's a ritual within itself.
Jaccob usually talks to me while I do so (because he's so amazing while I smoke).
Then we lay in bed, talking, as we wait for River, who crawled up on our chests, or face, to sleep. We wait for her snoring, or her little paws twitching to puppy dreams.
I usually move her to her bed.
We wait for a minute to make sure she's still asleep.
When that's one-hundred percent, we get at it.
But, some nights, she just won't take to her bed. She will get up and sit up on the bottom of Jaccob's end table to whine on the bed while making eye contact. I try to ignore, but Jaccob is the lovable fool who looks at me with his own puppy eyes to get her on the bed.
We allow her and usually decide to not finish and do our separate things until we fall asleep.

It's really depressing.
So much money for something that won't allow a dick inside of me.

But, between you and I, I think she's purposely doing it so we won't procreate.

That's all I had to say.
I just really wanted that out of me, which is the exact opposite of what I want with Jaccob's penis.

Fuck me.

My Hands Smell Like Penis

So, Jaccob and I were having pillow talk and we started discussing disfigurements with people and how you can't stare, no matter how intringing because it's just considered rude. But, all you want to do is ask questions and touch it and such.
Well, I mentioned this one man I saw while working. He was very tan, tall, and had on a typical, single-male attire, atop with a hat. What wasn't normal were the little knots under his skin, all over him, head-to-toe, like alien armor. Then Jaccob made the, "Ewwwwwww," sound.
"I know. What if they were on the bottom of his feet, inside his mouth? What if they were little tumots?"
"Or," Jaccob retorted, "they're all little bubbles that you can pop with a pin or something. Like a blister and all the puss comes out."
"Ew, shut up!"
"What if they're all over the bottom of his feet and he leaves a trail of slime behind him as he walks away."
"Seriously, Jaccob, this is making me nauseous."
"What if they're in his ass and when he wipes he pops a few and has to stay on the toilet..."
"Jaccob, this is fucking sick, stop."
"What if they're all over his penis and when he masturbates he uses them as self-lubricate."
I twisted his nipple.
"Fine," he said as he chuckled. "I'll stop."
There was a pause, then I began laughing. "Self-lubricate."

It's been a blur since the last entry.
The puppy, River, is growing like a fucking weed.
Work is just work.
Jaccob and I have been so busy going to my mom's, Glasgow, and work that we really don't have time for each other.
Oh, what happened in Glasgow...

Jaccob and I went to to a party at his brother's. Without asking, Jaccob told me he'd be the DD that time so I could actually drink. I'm not a big drinker and only rarely do it, so I never mind being the DD. Well, I let myself get a tad tipsy.
I knew I was drunk when I stopped at the front door, looking across their spacious floorplan of the living/dining room along with a kitchen, to their backdoor. And the people coming in would look around the empty house and then catch my eye behind the front screen door. They would pause, realize I'm not breaking my eye contact, and awkwardly walk away.
Three people did this with me and only one laughed -- he already knew me anyway, so I don't know if I should count him (not Jaccob).

Saw my puppy vomit today in slow action. It was beige, green sludge and it slid right onto my sister's arm and leg. She was pissed, but I was definitely laughing on the side. She was not happy with me, because, apparently, dogs get car sick to my "crazy driving."

Two young girls, at a local park, decided it was a good idea to put a friend in a box, with sticks for arms, and small eye holes to walk around and not have a reason for doing so. Young whippersnappers.

This 23-year-old isn't young and wants to go to bed.

PSST, check out River's Blog.

Fancy Title

Right now, I'm eating ice cream naked on my bed. Jaccob is beside me watching this awful show Continuum or some shit. It's bad. But the ice cream is Breyer's Blast! Reese's. It would be more awesome if it had more Reese's. I usually just ate a snickers/pay day with vanilla or butter pecan ice cream. Just dip that hard, long bar of chocolate or peanuts into the frozen cream. Yeah, guess where I got that from? Sugar and Spice. Not a bad combo.

 Isn't she fucking cute? Jaccob went to go put her back on the bed and he stopped and went, "Aw, don't fucking move."
Then got his phone.
Then took a lot of pictures.

So, Jaccob and I got a lot done with our short story collection idea. We just want to come up with a bunch of ideas, write them out, and make a book type thing. We have two ideas. One is a futuristic comedy. The other is a very serious fiction.

Jaccob went to go get his check out of the car, which he kept on top of his folded up sun visor. When going back to the car after cashing out the check, I went to sit down and rammed my head into the sun visor he never closed. He laughed so hard that he nearly peed himself.

We babysat his toddler nephew, Owen. It was a good time. The boy was well behaved which was really new. Still had that weird fresh smell. We bought him a train and his little sister two skirts. He got to play at the play set. He made a friend. It was adorable.

I'm reading 1Q84. So far, very interesting.

I have nothing else to say.
I'm just bored and don't want to sleep yet. Time to suck in my yellow belly and get my ass to bed.

PS - Fallon, my title was a nod to you.

PSS -

I was purposely making a funny sound. End result is perfection.

River is Snoring and The Earth Shakes A Little Bit

So I've been having one hell of a week. Been cleaning at my mother's; been celebrating my sister's birthday; and I learned that auto mechanics can suck my ass.

Went in for two tire changes, rotation, and an oil change. So they called me up and told me (and I'm paraphrasing here), "Since we're heavily advertising struts and shocks, yours are out and we need 1700 to fix your very fucked up shocks and struts. That will be one-thousand seven hundred dollars." When they tell a lady of twenty-three that she NEEDS to replace something that may cause her to die she kind of freaks. I tried for credit, and so did Jaccob (to help me, the sweetie pie -- AND NO, I did not ask. He just did it.). Then since I had no money to cover the extra 700 I got to thinking about it. I did not want to pay that outrageous fucking amount.
If my dad were alive, he'd turn all red and yell at them.
So, I just had one tire replaced and an oil change.
They all seemed a little saddened that I did not help their income or hours, or fucking paychecks.
Ladies, let that be a lesson. Always make friends with a mechanic so you can always get a second opinion.
My uncle called auto zone to see how much the struts and shocks were. Sixty dollars apiece.
At the place I went to, they wanted nearly six-hundred for the parts alone.
I cannot stress how crooked companies are toward women nowadays. Well, always.
The place I went to was Tech Tune.

So my sister turned TWENTY-FUCKING-YEARS-OLD on Saturday. Makes an older sister feel even older.
I made her a marble cake with four things of frosting to cover the beast and to decorate.

 Oh yeah, that's right. Took me forever and a picture to base that crude icing drawing.
Everyone liked it, aside from my uncle and mother. My mom slapped my arm with a big smile.

 Everyone, go ahead and go, "AWWWWWW."
That's right. In the second picture, her head was on my vagina. She knows where the magic happens. Of course, that could also mean my vagina is so boring that animals and Homo sapiens fall asleep on top of it.
Ouch.

Oh yeah, four four leaf clovers. I think they're overtaking my yard. I found these in like a minute and a half just waiting on River to shit (which she didn't -- she waited until she was in my room and went all out). Then I got bored winning and settled on going outside.

 As I'm typing this, River is curled up in my lap asleep. It's the little things.

I'm usually not sober for me to remember all the funny things. Yet, watching James Bond's Goldenfinger was hilarious and amazing. I really like watching Sean Connery.
Oh, and I also saw Autsin Powers for the first time. Don't judge me. My parents were strict when that movie came out and then I just forgot about it over the years.
It was funny. I would've enjoyed it more, however, if I had first seen it in theaters.
Dr. Evil is the best character.

I want to garden so badly.
But I'm afraid I'll fail at that then make myself depressed.

But, my mother's home and we have some fiscal transactions to take care of.

Later, folks.

The Deal With Baths

Okay, folks, I apologize for my blank mishap with my last post. I got this new google docs app, and it said I could edit and delete posts. To see if that worked, I made that. Then there are two options: one, I'm a fucking moron because I couldn't find out how and I'm too proud to click the question mark, or, two, they're fucking idiots.
That's right, it's the latter.

Right now, Jaccob and I are watching Dr. No. River is in my lap, curled up and sleeping. It's awkward trying to type over her.

So I thought of a new story idea one night, just on the edge of sleep. I think I startled Jaccob when I said, "I just thought of it!" But that was what I intended.
I told him and now he wants to join me.
I like writing sci-fi horror and that's basically what he reads/watches. So whenever I go over those parts, he broadens my ideas to a spectacular level.
So, I told him when we do write it, I'm going to dedicate it to him with, "To Jaccob, my personified imagination."

Okay, I have some unruly obsession with making out lists of the pros and cons of baths and showers.
Surprisingly, they come out about equal.
However, I am a bath girl. I fucking love soaking in some soapy, used (from me) water. I also like to usually smoke a little, but that's neither here nor there. I really miss huge tubs. They're rare in my tiny world, but well appreciated. See, baths, to me, hold some kind of resolution of innate calmness.
Downsides, you're in your own filth. And if you have to shave your pits or something, you kind of marinate with the hairs until you're finished and well saturated with raisin fingers. Plus rinsing hair, especially conditioner, is particularly aggravating.

I have luck. I was at my mother's so when I came in, did my bragging, I put it in the front pocket of my mom's purse. Later on she texted me with, "You forgot your clover."
I replied, "No, I didn't. Have good luck, Mom."
BAM. Sweetest daughter ever.

I bought Street Fighter Monopoly for Jaccob. I kicked his fucking ass. He forfeited because he was in such bad shape financially.

Ha, just brought this in and didn't ask no one's opinion too. I fucking love this shower curtain.

I think this picture accurately describes our relationship.

I went to the book festival Saturday with my sister. Talked to the reoccurring authors, met some new cool ones. Especially this little old man. He was so sweet. My sister and I bought a book apiece. Saw my Intermediate Fiction Professor. And I saw her husband, who I'm going to have to take the semester after next.
We met Amanda's future self with the big southern hat, and the old style southern dress. Make-up right on the spot and everything. Very ladylike. Even wrote a book about flowers being in desserts. 

Jaccob fell asleep and the dog is dream-twitching. I'm in love.
BUT HOW COULD JACCOB SLEEP WITH A POISONOUS SPIDER CRAWLING ALL OVER A HALF-NAKED, SWEATY JAMES BOND.

I have one more entry to make.
Alas, I forgot my material for it. So I might have to wait until I can remember all that I wanted to say. Sorry guys, I know I'm not so much dedicated anymore.
River takes up my spare time and I love to have her to.

Night, folks.

RIVER SONG

 

All these pictures are of my new puppy, River Song. She's one fucking handful. After this, I will never buy a puppy again, but something over 8 months to a year. Needs to happen. Potty training for this dog is one fucking hassel.

She's had so many accidents.

When we first got her, she liked to hold in her poop until it built up to this landfill of stinky, off-colored shit. So, when I would wake up in the morning, there would be up to seven piles of poop. Well, not just wake up. Her shit is the opposite of the smell of spring flowers. No, it's the landfill in the dead of summer. I would have to get up several times, clean up her messes, try to teach her the entire world OUTSIDE of the house is her potty. Just so I don't have to clean it up. She's learning, but sometimes likes to look me in the eye as she does it.

Like when I finally convinced Jaccob to take a cold bath with me. The air was broken for the hottest week of spring thus far (imagine that, cruel karma). We got in the bath, but the amount of adjusting was insane. And when we finally adjusted and realized that we really couldn't move, the dog squatted on my toilet rug, looked me in the eye, and began pissing. She seemed just so happy.

And don't think she hasn't had accidents on the bed. She HAS to sleep with us, and we really did try to avoid this. But, she's done it six times in the three weeks we've had her. When we were in trial with no bed, she climbed up my shoulder while Jaccob and I were joke-texting. I texted, "She's on the bed." So I wanted to look at her and she was pissing. When I yelled out and looked down at my phone to put it down, Jaccob replied, "hahahahahahaha," then got up from his seat beside me to help me.

She likes to try and catch water droplets you flick at her when she keeps wining to get in the tub and when you don't pay attention, she likes to start to attack my new beautiful shower curtain (which will be in a post later).

She doesn't like loud noises. I laughed really loud. She woke up and barked at me until I stopped. When I did, she went back to sleep.

People working the drive-thrus want to touch her and swoon over her. But they're working in food service and I never offer. Or give in.

She farts, all the time. She particularly likes when I cannot roll my windows down because of rain or something and farts those putrid gas pockets like crazy. Makes me want to vomit. 

She hates cords and shoelaces and uses her teeth to show the dislike.

At a little over two months old, her jaw is finally strong enough to make her toy squeak whenever she finds the plastic bubble inside.

She learned her name, "River," the first day I got her.

And that's all I got. I had so much planned yesterday, but we all know how flaky I am. So I am going to go. I am just tired and Jaccob is asleep before me and I want to take advantage of this odd time.

Up in Knots

Todd knows what my title is in reference to.

Okay, so what if I'm not blogging like I have no life anymore. Todd said that I'm making facebook my new blogger. Go to hell. That would never happen. Only this place gets the funniest, raunchiest stories ever.

She's got you high and you don't even know....
I have my headphones on while Jaccob plays that Odyssey game.  This game is stupid.
Aw, Kaim was poisoned in battle. He has a green orb of light emanating from his head like some cool outer shell of hair.

This is fucking awesome....
Yeah, I'm listening to Thrift Shop.

The other day Jaccob and I went to the mall. While he went in the game shop, I walked into the nearest clothing store that is reputably known for having "men's style numbers" for pant size. Ladies, we all know what I'm talking about. Anyway.
I was talking to the sales associate who just finished this really mean older lady with her nose-picking kid. She turned around, tried to help me by asking what size I wore. I told her "thirty-three by thirty-three." (That's right, I'm being the strong woman here.)
She stopped, looked back up at me from the pants and said, "Wow, I'd never think you'd be that big! Nothing over a...." She hesitated, looking at the surprise in my eyebrows I guess and finished with, "a thirty." While quickly going back to looking at the sizes.
She was a skinny, tan, pink-nailed blonde. She was nice, just no prelude to her mouth.

So, I was tinkering in the kitchen when Jaccob needed some hot water for something or another. Well, I'm tinkering and he's running the water. And running the water. And running the water. I look over and he's all knitted-brow staring at the facet.
I smiled and asked, "So, what'cha doing?"
He replied, "The water isn't turning hot."
I looked and he had it up and right. The exact and perfect way to get cold water. I told him so. He tried to act as if he knew.

My cousin dropped his iPhone 4S in a bucket of his own vomit.
That almost beats the time when he dropped it in the full Port-a-Potty.

Honesty is the best policy, Folks. Very sweet of Fallon to think of me in such light. Amen.

I asked Jaccob before we left if I should try with my hair. He said no, that it looked fine. Yeah, Todd, Malachai, and May all had something along the lines of asking me, "What's wrong with your hair?"

True story.

It's okay to squee. I do.

I have to fold three loads of clothes. I know, stop being jealous.

Also, my tongue does that painful itch that you can't stop scraping with your tongue. It's slowly driving me crazy.

Been watching Freaks and Geeks. I'm in love.

Hey, no, babe, what you wanna do? I think I could stay with you....

Name that song and I'm out.

There's Hopping and Bars

First off, let me say how horrible I am in the visual arts. I am just really crappy with a paint brush, or any utensil used to recreate an image. But, Jaccob and I were talking. I said I wanted to paint him a picture. He said he would hang it. Yeah, girls, I know, sweet. Whatever. But I did. This is what I did. 

THREE hours and two dirty hands later this came about.

She didn't like the bunny ears.

Alura had a 31st birthday part last weekend. It was fun. Seriously.
I went to my first bars.
Yes, twenty-three-years-old and never went to a bar within itself. And I did. Had my hand stamped and everything.
Saw Alan drunk. That was fun. Slurring his words and him just yelling, "FUCK YEAH."
Todd drove through his yard to get out of the driveway and got it stuck. It's still there. In the middle of his backyard. Alura was worried how trashy they'd look.
I saw some co-workers drunk. Really drunk.
I had to pee so bad and I was not, I repeat, was not using it at the bars. I ran inside the house. And I'm surprised this o' gal didn't get a bladder infection.
As Jaccob and I were leaving, they asked why, and I replied, "Because if he wants to have sex before I fall asleep then we have to leave now."
They hugged me and said how much they loved me for saying that.

What else has happened?
OH YEAH.

Got me hair did. Cut like four to five inches off my hair. A woman said it looked "mature." I like that.
I was in the Liquor Barn parking lot.
That's before I bought your Birthday present, Fallon.

She had too much catnip. 

You Virus'd Me Up

That's what Jaccob just said to me.
This blog post has a new locale, ladies and germs.
I am at Jaccob's house while he's lazily on his phone. He looks completely bored. Know what he's reading on his phone? My blog.

Me - I'm updating my blog at your house.
Jaccob - Aww, you forgot your hat.
Me - *looks over and grabs his black knitted one* That's okay, I have this one. I'll just stretch it over my big head.
Jaccob - *in a sincere whiny voice* Noooo, don't do thaaat.
Me - That was a believable concern?

At work today, during Jaccob's and Todd's lunch, and my thirty minute break...
Jaccob - There should be a certain length on blog posts so I don't have to read nine pages of someone's blog.
Todd - Don't read it then.
Jaccob - I don't, but, still, there should be.
Todd - I don't want one so short where I accidentally read it before I can stop.

We got a new cat! "Muffy is the name, struttin' is my game." She's cool, but bipolar and really doesn't like Molly, my dog. 

Jaccob and I, the other, other night, went to Starbucks. While I was reading, I looked up and saw this. Then Cody, a co-worker of ours, sees us and challenges Jaccob to make him a dog. Jaccob took the opportunity and used it to his advantage. 

"Ruff, ruff..."

I will not try and make a Mine Craft joke, I will not make a Mine Craft joke...

Or a Baha Men joke either...

Good, I succeeded.

And the last thing before I go and try to talk Jaccob in to playing Rummy with me....

Jaccob and I were in the kitchen eating his very tasty nacho dip when he invited his brother to eat some. Brother stands in front of me beside the stove to get some. Jaccob came over and swatted at my left boob. I started really laughing while Jaccob looked satisfied and WHILST Jordan began looking very awkward.

I then pointed at Jordan and asked Jaccob, "You know he can see in his peripherals, don't you?"

Jordan then walks away to the other side of the kitchen.

I'm still laughing.

Jaccob disappears.

Brother then begins rambling about nonsense really and then lastly says, "Yeah, I'm trying to lessen the awkwardness but it's not working."

I then decided to walk away, still laughing.

Tha-tha-tha-thaaat's allll, Folks!

24-hours of Animals

Micheru had this really great idea of writing down a list of animals all around the present-day world that I would like to be for an hour. So, in a course of 24-hours I can be 24 different animals. Of course we're all consciously aware of what we're doing.
Ha.
I told Micheru, "You know if this could really happen, we'd never be the same coming back. Whether it's good or bad."
So, here is my list and explanations as to why I would like to be them. Starting at...

12AM - Tucan. I want to fucking be a bird in the rain forest. And hopefully guard some fruit loops. I'm sure there's a treasure trove of the shit.
1AM - Dolphin. I would like to make air bubbles to amuse myself, along with having sex for pleasure. And get to make that awesome E E E E E E E sound at people. Of course I would want to be a wild one, but that's beside the point.
2AM - Lemur. They're just cool.
3AM - Wolf.
4AM - Bullfrog.
5AM - Tarantula.
6AM - Gorilla. Need I say more?
7AM - Panda. It would be nice to wake up and yawn, stretch, eat some fucking bamboo. And to be that cute.
8AM - Flying snake. Because if I had to be any snake I would want to be one that flings itself between trees.
9AM - Fire ant. I really want to see a colony. I'm sure fire ants would be fucking serious about theirs. They're the "Fire Nation." Ha.
10AM - Brown Bear. They're just so cute. And I want to catch salmon.
11AM - The parasite that swims up urethras. It's okay to grab yourselves, guys. I mean the whole reason I want to do it is so I can hurt a man in the most painful way possible.
12PM - House dog. I stole this from Micheru because it would be cool to see the point of view of humans in the dog sense.
1PM - Sperm Whale.
2PM - Prairie dog.
3PM - Tortoise.
4PM - Banana Slug.
5PM - Anaconda.
6PM - Dung Beetle. I really want to know what it's like to crave to roll up shit in a ball.
7PM - Leopard.
8PM - Swan.
9PM - Vulture. I really want to know what it's like to crave dead, rotting flesh.
10PM - Butterfly. Like a Monarch. I guess that's obvious because of my love of the Venture Bros.
11PM - Giant Squid. Get to know their environment, you know?

AWKWAARDDD

A lot has happened since my last post. Funny thing is I can't even remember my last post. Oh yeah, gifts and hats. Well, now it's more gifts.

I went to Fishey Business to get Micheru a gift for Christmas because she has this fetish over fish. She just gets this calm look over her face and her eyes roll back in her head every time. It's odd and no one mentions it because it's so odd. I would hate to see what she does in front of her three fish tanks.
But, they had two Aussie pups for sale and they had their parents running around the store. The woman dog was carrying around a tennis ball. I got to play catch with her. I did for like ten minutes, it was fun.
Then I went to pick up Micheru from campus and we went together to get decor for her fish tanks mostly because I didn't know how big her tanks were and what she likes to see at the bottom of her said tanks.
I try not to judge in these situations.
We did find a little decoration with a clown fish looking very sad in its anemone.
(Don't judge me that I know that because of Finding Nemo.)
Then she drove me on over to Crafty Hands where she bought me the knitting needles that I loved of hers.
It was a good day.
Micheru never bought a Christmas gift in front of the receiver of gift. So, glad to take your cherry on that one, Micheru.
She called it, "The most awkward Christmas exchange."

What's awkward is that fact I thought a jellyfish decoration was, in fact, a jelly fish.
Neither Micheru nor I pointed out how sad that was.

That Water Dog is amazing. And if you've read my story Opal's Transformation, then that's almost what the water creatures look like. I made up a Water Dog. They never existed until I made them up. 

The second picture.... The poor soul isn't dead, just asleep. IT'S FUCKING CUTE.

We never take anything seriously.

I got airborne and was looking through my phone while cuddling with Jaccob.

We're looking and I read that spiders was the most common fear and that he had it.

Jaccob - Uh, it's snakes and mice that I'm afraid of.

Me - Oh yeah! *continues scrolling* You know what though? *clicks out and go to safari.*

Jaccob - Heather, I'm not scared of pictures.

Should've seen how sad I got.

One more final to go and it's Japanese.

THEN I'M FINISHED FOR FIVE WEEKS.

Can everyone count to five on their fingers?

I always start with three.

Get it?

Red Eyes

Todd has this annoying fucking halloween door decoration. It's a skeleton and it blinks its eyes with a loud screech. I hate that fucking door.
So, before I left Todd's to go pick up my sister, Jaccob and I were making out in his backseat. We were horizon style in the back, with our feet sticking out -- the door won't shut because of them. Well, it was getting heavy and in the background I hear, "EEEEEEEEEEEE!"
And I lift and say, "I heard Todd's door."
"No way," Jaccob said.
I look up and there was the door, with the lights blinking at me as a warning.
I laughed and then said, "His door went off."
We both laugh and then decide it's time for me to go.
Oh, that's right, I was on top because I'm the masculine energy.

I was at Todd's Saturday and he put a plastic bag just over his head and said, "I'm a warning."

My allergies are fucking killing me. My throat is sore. Not my larynx, just the between space from the air pipe in my nose to the beginning of my tonsils... And that's it.
Fuck Princess.
No, I'm kidding, that cat is my different-species son.

Listening to the Chicago soundtrack.

FUCK THESE ALLERGIES.

That's it, actually. 

I have homework to do so I can clean tomorrow and make a nice, neat home for Jaccob to eat in.

I'm kidding.

Some guys just can't handle their arsenic in dirty houses.

If you guys get that quote then I'm glad we know each other.

Crawdaddies

Bio Lab was a good Bio Lab.
We got to man-handle some crustaceans (see title). Although I never did touch one because every time I had the chance, it was submerged in some liquid so we can see the respiration patterns. Anyway.
Andy (the submarine guy) was talking to the group and he said something about a secret:
Andy - I would tell you guys what it looked like but I would have to kill you.
Me - Go ahead and we'll battle royale it out.
Andy - That's funny.
Me - I have a lot of glassware around me. *points to beakers* I'll even take this thing *points to biuret* and stab you with it.
Andy - I'll take the base and hit you with it.
Me - I'll stick a crawdaddy in your mouth to choke you to death.
Andy - I'll just stick it down your pants so you'll have crabs.
All five of us stopped and looked at him.

Japanese class is awesome.
Last Japanese class Megan called me a "baka."
So, on the back of an index card, I wrote, "Baka na hito [バカな人]," (stupid person) with an arrow pointing to her. She never knew about it.

This Japanese class, my sensei was asking us random questions blah blah blah.
So, she was asking the class, "hanbaagaa o tabemasu ka?" (Do you eat hamburgers?)
Most of the class replied, "Iie, tabemasen." (No, I don't.)
As she shifted the picture she mumbled, "Wow, I thought Americans loved hamburgers."

And, I forgot about how I drew facial hair on all my characters:

Every time someone looked over they made a comment.
I wanted to draw Godzilla in the background, but I figured that wouldn't blow over well with my sensei. I wanted a building and everything in its mouth. Maybe have a giant moth alongside it, with sound waves breaking windows and causing "Takeshi-san's" eyes to pop. But I digress...
But you guys have to admit that Godzilla in "Mearii-san's" little bubble is sporting that curly-q.

You guys are my baka na hito.
Just so we're all clear on the thin ice we all stand on.

君は僕のｖａｎｉｌｌａ！

Yes, I'm listening to some old school Gackt. And if you know who he is without looking him up, then I'm very glad we're friends.

Drunk half a pot of coffee now, but not in an impressible amount of time.
I am going to assume if I drink enough coffee that I will eventually burn off all my taste buds. I don't know whether to be excited or worried. Downside to no taste buds is that I could never be blindfolded and taste something. Would I even be able to feel the texture? Did it really damage the nerves? Upside, I could go on shows like Fear Factor and win a small amount of money (after taxes). I think the former would be more of a problem since my friends would stick fucking animal balls on my tongue and giggle excessively to one another.
I say, if I'm not getting paid to put balls (of any species) on my tongue then it's a no-go.

So, I had this large water I took with me from work to class. After class, I poured it down the drain while Micheru and I were finding stalls. As I poured it out, I said, "Mmmm, all those oxygen and hydrogen bonds going down the drain, mmmmm."
Micheru laughed and asked, "Are you okay, Heather? Having a water-gasm over there?"

My favorite part of Autumn? When all the chloroplast dies.

The other day at knitting lessons at Barnes-and-Noble, I bought 14 FRAMABLE PRINTS of dinosaurs with all the facts and time period of their roaming on the backside. I'm excited about posting them around my room within the next week. I'm gonna have T-rex right under my skeleton so SHE can be my protector. Judge not, folks.
Also, thou shall not covet. So, take that into consideration when you want to copy me.

Princess is being a little bitch.
One minute he wants in my lap and forces himself there.
Then he wants off and scratches me in the process.
BUT DAMN HIM FOR BEING SO CUTE AND TINY.
Or maybe he just likes Guns-n-Roses.
Whatevs.

This literally made me laugh for the next five minutes.

Spread the news everyone.

I have nothing else.

Next weekend will be big hopefully. I am looking forward to it.

Tomorrow is The Voice with two trolls.

Wish me luck answering their riddles to cross the bridge.

I have one.

Wait, I lied.

Psychokinesis

Me - Why not have something like Agatha Christie?
Todd - Is that your roommate?
Me - Ha, I said AGATHA CHRISTIE.
Todd - Oh! I thought you said "I have a friend name Christie."
Me - Ew, I would never have a friend named Christie."
Todd - *stops scanning and looks at me* That's the dumbest remark I've ever heard.
Me - What? Is she going to spell it with an 'ie'?
Todd - Really?
Me - That's the same reason I don't have any friends named Brittany.
Todd - Probably the same reasons they don't have friends named Heather.

It's been a rough few days.
I had to go to campus and find my classes. I was sweating like I had my own personal rain cloud above my head, trying to shower me off. Embarrassing. I just sweat, despite all the water I drink and the less salty foods I try. I think it's in my genetics since my father sweats easily too. I could be at a comfortable state and someone turns up the temperature by one degree and then I start sweating. It's awful -- just like my blushing.

Now my blushing is something that I sometimes can't control. I sometimes talk about sex and have that unflattering shade of red creep up my cheeks. I don't even know until someone points it out. This is on record: More than half the time I don't know I'm blushing.
Oh yeah.

Anyway, my calves became so sore that I couldn't run for the past two days and work was so painful to bend over and get those shoes. I was grimacing with each lunge.

You know what's sadder than the above statement about my calves?
I needed my phone to send my email pictures of Todd's b-day gift (below) and it was a stretch of an arm away on the coffee table. I was seriously regretting human evolution and it not having me to have psychokinesis.
If humans were to have psychokinesis then wouldn't we be like the "future-humans" off Wall-e?
I would stand in one spot to finish all of my work, to finish everything.
Huamns would eventually just be immobile and our conscious the only viable thing in existence.
One conscious would try to harvest the others for more power, the energy to have more power, and then we'd have a war and all die because no one can run away.

DUN DUN DUNNNN... TODD'S B-DAY GIFT TO MEEEEE.
(That was all meant to me in a sing-song voice.)

How thoughtful was that?
I told Jaccob that when Todd gave it to me that I was going to act like I hated it... You know, until he cried, and then just say, "I was fucking with you." And then put my camera away.
But I liked it too much.
The pigs were thoughtful and then the fucking Japanese dice. Oh yeah, I'm popping those bitches out in Japanese 101. Getting all the haters on me.

So I was lying beside my mother in bed yesterday and I went to text someone. I turn it on and my mother asked, "Wait, what was that?"
"What? The picture of Princess cleaning himself?"
I showed her and we both awed at the picture.
My father shook his head and then turned back to his computer.
This is the picture:

Uh, yeah. I couldn't think of something clever to say about my room.
BUT, last night I let Princess sleep with me despite his nagging in the middle of the night to have me awake.  He did really well until 5AM. That exact time too, because I checked.
He kept meowing and headbutting me.
Soon I put a pillow over my head to block out the noise and his big head nudging me.
Yet, in my half-awake state he brings his head into my air hole and smells me for some reason. I let it go and go back to sleep. Next thing I know, his paw is on my face, lightly padding me to get up.
SO FUCKING ADORABLE.

Todd is 37, I am 23.
Todd - *walks by and sees American Gods on my table* That was a good book when I read it fifteen years ago.
Me - You know, fifteen years ago, I was eight.