Boo! I Scared You

Soooooooo.
Fallon, Rebecca, Stephanie, and I went to the Waverly Hills in Louisville last night.
Close those jaws of being stunned and impressed.
The haunted house sucked. Really sucked. It caters to pre-teens who had water bottles of vodka and one-hitters that looked like cigarettes. Public Announcement: YOU'RE NOT BADASS.
End transmission.
Two things were awesome about it:
1. Frankenstein. (I thought he was fake.)
2. This giant snake head.
The best thing about Waverly was the anticipation. They hype the shit out of you. Wait, they don't, the crowds do.
So, we drove two hours there.
Waited to even see the parking lot for about half an hour, maybe more where people walked, girls hung out of cars, and annoying teens trying to pass Rebecca on a one lane road.
Waited two hours in line.
Had a fifteen minute haunted house walk through and then out of there.
THE BALL IS OUT OF THE FUCKING PARK, GUYS.

So, here's the in-between.
Before we left Bowling Green we saw a parked hot air balloon. Everyone, geez, stop being jealous.

On the way there Fallon and I amused ourselves with our smarts. As we're talking, I kept trying to move around to get comfy. Rebecca said, "Heather, what're you doing back there?"
"Oh sorry, I'm only sitting behind the tallest person in the car."
Rebecca turned to Fallon, "Fallon, that was a bitch move."
"Yes it was, since I'm taller than you," I said with a matter-of-fact tone.
Fallon gave me a face, "You're not taller than me."
Me, "Uh, yes I am, shorty." (I added that nickname in so I can seem funnier.)
"Oh, really? How tall are you?" Fallon asked with a snarky undertone.
"Five six," I said, satisfied.
"Ha! I'm five seven."
I rolled my eyes, "I don't believe you. You're always wearing fucking heels and shit."
"Well, you're only taller because of your hair," she flatly said.
The haters come to the surface.
These curly locks get me out of tickets, air fare, and the occasional assignment. And they give me my greatest super power of all: Persuasion.
If I wish hard enough, it might come true.

When we arrived we waited and waited. When we got to the parking attendants, the guy said to move forward to the lady. Rebecca asked what. He repeated himself. As she drove forward, where his finger was pointing, she asked what he had said. Stephanie and Fallon said, "Go up to the lady."
So, with all the windows down and the man in arm's reach, I screamed, "HE SAID LADY, BECKY! GO TO THE LADY!"

In line we saw the so-called casket rides. They had little cameras inside to watch the people being so fucking scared inside. One dude was talking on his cell phone.

In lines to the bathroom, a random dude, he was definitely not on payroll, was walking around, dancing with people, getting pictures, getting right in faces. He was gyrating his hips in the air and everything.
I am hoping he was on something.
More than half the crowd was.
I think it's safe to assume he was.
But his mask was awesome along with his enthusiasm.

Really didn't feel like rotating this clockwise.

That's the ticket. As we waited there, they were playing awful punk rock music. Your kind of music, Jaccob. My ears were trying to commit suicide by killing off all my hair cells. 

And then THE WAVERLY HAUNTING.

It was bland.

Inside they have you line against an obviously fake wall. We did and the guy said, "Now, the actors are not to touch you, and you are not to touch them. We have had complaints of hair pulling and such, but those are not the actors!"

Fallon laughed.

The guy looked at her but continued.

DUN DUN DUN the pictures on the wall came down and all the scared people screamed and I was trying not to have my head on that guy's arm.

We walked through shit, people screamed in our faces.

The guys in front of me were so stoned or hallucinating off acid or something. I don't know. They weren't sober or drunk. It was amusing. One fell to his knees in fright once. He honestly wasn't acting because I wanted to high five him for it.

In the last part, this dead soldier wouldn't let Fallon and I through. So I said, "Fallon, let's create a wall and walk forward." 

We did and he started to back away.

I then stepped away from Fallon and put out my arms to touch both walls and walked forward. He broke character, smiled, and then stepped aside.

We left and on the way home the GPS lead us to a cemetery. Stephanie was getting so scared. Fallon said she was going to get her. Rebecca overheard:

(I'm taking this directly from Fallon's blog:)

Becky: Don't make her scream while I'm driving, it'll be bad.
Heather: Don't you wreck and make me die a Virgin.
Me:  Ooooh she'll come back and haunt you Becky, and when you are having sex she'll scream terrible things at you.
I could so see Heather doing that.

Funny part is, it's true. I totally would. Her husband wouldn't be able to get it up for the rest of their lives.

The haunted house would be so much better if they did timelines of historical events of Waverly's history instead of already cliched scary movies.

I am genius, I know.

But, I'm sorry guys, I have to go.

It's been nice.

As nice as realizing you perioded all over your bed in the morning.

Oh, those are the mornings.