THE BIG PICTURE PALOOZA

That's right, folks. It is THE BIG PICTURE PALOOZA. That means because my lazy ass didn't make a post, I now have to show the boring pictures of my life. The content is miraculous though. The holidays have almost passed (Tuesday is the end!) and I have many boring life photos. Like when I watched my grandmother's video about "wild horses." Folks, you could see the fence the horses were running behind. Poor, defenseless old people. They try their best, they really do.

BUT LET'S GET THE HOLIDAY REWIND STARTED:

I like to start my mornings out right, especially with an awesome fucking cheesecake I made last night...

Hey, stop drooling. Clean your nasty self up. The only thing it's missing is strawberry/cherry glaze. Didn't know I would be baking this scrumptious piece of art last night, so I was mightily unprepared last night.
It's okay, I've already apologized to myself.
I just high-fived myself for trying something new and succeeding.

Then, also this morning, I finished a baby blanket for Jaccob's niece.

Took me a couple of weeks because I got really busy. Wait, you don't believe me, you probably just think I make this shit up. Understandable. But I know I'm better than you.

This was a very simple knit. Next I can't wait to make tiny cardigans for the girl.

And speaking of this baby, here's her and her Uncle Jaccob:

Isn't that the cutest fucking thing ever? He fed her and then handed her to me (I really wanted to hold the precious bundle of meat and bones)... Within the first five seconds of holding her, she threw up. Nearly on me, but it just dribbled out.

I make kids vomit.

It can be a power or weakness.

I guess depending on the situation.

Next, has everyone seen Despicable Me? Good. Well, there's this girl character, Edith, who wears this pink hat. I loved it. So I knitted it. Used a pattern made for super bulky yarn. Had to improvise, but the first strand of pink is smaller than the rest for the reason. I just didn't have enough caring nature in me to go back and fix it.

My most prized knitted possession.

Then there was Christmas.

Everyone here knows how I already feel, but I have great friends whom I love. So I celebrate on their behalf. And I got a lot of thoughtfulness this year. Made me very happy these people are in my lives. For example, here's Fallon.

She surprised me with some great, great gifts.

I guess surprise is for any gift, right?

Anyway. 

Love the fucking shirt.

FUCKING LOVE the pig trash can. Don't want to use it for things I discard because that symbolism clashes, I think. 

And a mug (which I use for tea). 

Everything coincided with being thoughtful. I loved them. 

When I walked in and saw her holding that pig trash can, I honestly squealed, "OMG YAY!"

My girly side comes with a vengeance sometimes.

Next is Alan.

I got him a $30 giftcard to put toward Farcry 3. Don't worry, geeks, he bought it the next day.

Then he got me a knitting book. Not just any book, but something hipster and lovely.

I will resurrect every ball of dead yarn I can.

Jaccob bought me something.

Not just something.

But a something that I FUCKING HATE AND WILL "ACCIDENTALLY" LOSE.

Kidding.

I love it, Jaccob.

He even wrote something in it, but I won't disclose that since I want it to be between us.

Oh, and if you don't know where this journal is from, stop reading my blog.

Kidding. 

I know Scotty, Marina, and Todd definitely won't know.

(It's River Song's journal off Doctor Who.)

Last, but not least, MARINA.

She came to town for Christmas and we kicked it.

We went to Opry Mills in Nashville and acted like girls. Which is stereotypical and wrong of me to say. But I will say we giggled and bought things. Well, WHILE buying things.

He worked at Spencer's. This was supposed to draw people in. It worked.

We bought matching bracelets. 

I totally wasn't at work during this...

That's right, even italics for sarcasm.

My Christmas gift from her :)

I love the raspberry earl tea.

Presents I don't have pictures of are as follows:

- A dug out.

- Fallon also got me a winter-themed rubber duck. (Which is chilling with Halloween, Pirate, and Plain ducks.)

Wow, I thought I had more than that. I suck.

Oh, one day Jaccob and I were at Sonic's.

The carhop brought us our food and pointed to a gentleman pulling out from a spot. She said he paid for our food and "Merry Christmas."

We did the same for a woman.

I poked myself in the eye with Jaccob's penis.

It was dark.

I wasn't sober. That's it. That's my excuse.

I hate those fucking antlers people put on their cars. Especially paired with that ridiculous Rudolph nose.

I haven't finished one book in two weeks.

I've been busy I said!

I've become obsessed with Kings of Leon.

I've also slipped on my diet the past six weeks. Time to bump it again. Jaccob says he doesn't want a slob for a girlfriend.

I'm kidding.

If he ever said that, he wouldn't have a penis.

I would poke a bar through his urethra. 

I am now bored of this and have cheesecake to deliver to family.

BUY GAIS.

Ha, haven't typed that in forever.

AWKWAARDDD

A lot has happened since my last post. Funny thing is I can't even remember my last post. Oh yeah, gifts and hats. Well, now it's more gifts.

I went to Fishey Business to get Micheru a gift for Christmas because she has this fetish over fish. She just gets this calm look over her face and her eyes roll back in her head every time. It's odd and no one mentions it because it's so odd. I would hate to see what she does in front of her three fish tanks.
But, they had two Aussie pups for sale and they had their parents running around the store. The woman dog was carrying around a tennis ball. I got to play catch with her. I did for like ten minutes, it was fun.
Then I went to pick up Micheru from campus and we went together to get decor for her fish tanks mostly because I didn't know how big her tanks were and what she likes to see at the bottom of her said tanks.
I try not to judge in these situations.
We did find a little decoration with a clown fish looking very sad in its anemone.
(Don't judge me that I know that because of Finding Nemo.)
Then she drove me on over to Crafty Hands where she bought me the knitting needles that I loved of hers.
It was a good day.
Micheru never bought a Christmas gift in front of the receiver of gift. So, glad to take your cherry on that one, Micheru.
She called it, "The most awkward Christmas exchange."

What's awkward is that fact I thought a jellyfish decoration was, in fact, a jelly fish.
Neither Micheru nor I pointed out how sad that was.

That Water Dog is amazing. And if you've read my story Opal's Transformation, then that's almost what the water creatures look like. I made up a Water Dog. They never existed until I made them up. 

The second picture.... The poor soul isn't dead, just asleep. IT'S FUCKING CUTE.

We never take anything seriously.

I got airborne and was looking through my phone while cuddling with Jaccob.

We're looking and I read that spiders was the most common fear and that he had it.

Jaccob - Uh, it's snakes and mice that I'm afraid of.

Me - Oh yeah! *continues scrolling* You know what though? *clicks out and go to safari.*

Jaccob - Heather, I'm not scared of pictures.

Should've seen how sad I got.

One more final to go and it's Japanese.

THEN I'M FINISHED FOR FIVE WEEKS.

Can everyone count to five on their fingers?

I always start with three.

Get it?

The Goonies

I'm wearing your shirt as I make this post, Jaccob. [I was, but now I'm wearing your thinking cap.]

So, Jaccob has decided to make himself more of a man by asserting himself oddly. Here's an example:
Jaccob needed the pizza in the oven before we had sex. I told him sure, and I get out of "cuddle" mode to go turn on the stove to warm up. Then I realized I didn't know how to work his stove.
This little bitch then says, "Really? You're so retarded."
I push him back on the bed saying I'll figure it out then, by myself.
He won't take no as an answer. I keep pushing him away from his bedroom door. and he tries to do some wrestling move. I still get my body on the door to stop him.
I don't know how he did it, guys, but I somehow ended on the floor which was the worst move yet.
He grabbed my arms, while getting the door open. I was half sitting and laying down. The bastard drugged me out of the bedroom. And with my free grip I tried from his bedroom door casing and his brothers. Jaccob somehow got me to let go and he grabbed my legs and started to drag me across the living room.
We interrupted his brother doing his pushups. I yelled at Jaccob to go join him.
Then we entered the kitchen where he helped me up. It took me two tries to get up.
I WAS NOT EMBARRASSED. Just plotting my revenge.

Todd and I were talking about trust, and I said something about unreliable people in the past. He said, "Your trust muscle is atrophied."
High-five.

So, my sister and I went to the Great Russian Nutcracker last Wednesday. Amazing it was. Well amazing when there was actually a Russian Ballerina. The set was amazing. Some of the sets had Russian on the screen. Small things, people, small things in life.
The guy behind me and Amanda was ancient. I think so ancient that he couldn't control his flatulence. Through the first act I kept thinking it was the guy beside me. He probably thought it was me because when he came back from the break, he sat on the other side of his daughter.
I only knew it was the old man because he left and the smell dissipated. He came back and I had to verify with Amanda that it just wasn't me smelling someone's asshole.

So Jaccob and I got airborne sometime late last week. Well, we're sitting outside and I mention if he think it's cool that a mighty oak comes from one single seed. He said he wasn't. I then asked why.
He said because we came from one cell.
Think about it, thanks to cellular division we are here. That we grew and grew, expanding our limps and maturing our looks. I explained that to him and he replied, "Shut up, you're starting to freak me out."
Ha.
Then he mentioned a fun fact with sperm. That the last sperm, the lazy one, makes it in because all the other ones broke down the shell and left a pathway.
I then said, "What do you think an egg has? Layers of traps? Like it's like some fucking pyramid in egypt with its layers of traps?"

I met up with Micheru to go to a poetry reading on Thursday night.
She surprised me with a gift:

It's the pillow pet pig!

I purposely put Princess in the picture because they're both so adorable! He's looking at my snapping fingers again....

THANK YOU, MICHERU. I seriously appreciate it. It's very thoughtful.

My sister gave me her Christmas gift early.

IT'S. A. FUCKING. DOCTOR. WHO. MUG.

When there's hot liquid inside, the Tardis disappears and appears on the other side, with all the space decorations. It amazes the shit out of me.

I was trying to be badass so I could text Jaccob that I was him and being all kinds of punk with my Kingdom Hearts tee on. It failed.

I can't stop laughing every time I look at this photo.

That's also the thinking cap I referred to at the beginning of this post.

Saw a guy at Dairy Queen the other day actually take a picture of his blizzard turned upside down.

...

Everyone remember that commercial?

That's all I have, folks.

It's disappointing and a little aggravating.

Hey, finals end soon and then I'll have shittier things to talk about.

Like how I want to paint my toenails the most awful shade of nail polish I can find.

I'll make sure to make an entire post dedicated to my decision making....

"Then there was this green that looked like the exact color of my shit after I eat a bowl of Trix cereal."