Red Eyes

Todd has this annoying fucking halloween door decoration. It's a skeleton and it blinks its eyes with a loud screech. I hate that fucking door.
So, before I left Todd's to go pick up my sister, Jaccob and I were making out in his backseat. We were horizon style in the back, with our feet sticking out -- the door won't shut because of them. Well, it was getting heavy and in the background I hear, "EEEEEEEEEEEE!"
And I lift and say, "I heard Todd's door."
"No way," Jaccob said.
I look up and there was the door, with the lights blinking at me as a warning.
I laughed and then said, "His door went off."
We both laugh and then decide it's time for me to go.
Oh, that's right, I was on top because I'm the masculine energy.

I was at Todd's Saturday and he put a plastic bag just over his head and said, "I'm a warning."

My allergies are fucking killing me. My throat is sore. Not my larynx, just the between space from the air pipe in my nose to the beginning of my tonsils... And that's it.
Fuck Princess.
No, I'm kidding, that cat is my different-species son.

Listening to the Chicago soundtrack.

FUCK THESE ALLERGIES.

That's it, actually. 

I have homework to do so I can clean tomorrow and make a nice, neat home for Jaccob to eat in.

I'm kidding.

Some guys just can't handle their arsenic in dirty houses.

If you guys get that quote then I'm glad we know each other.

This is My Shit

Leaves and Spas

It's been a funny few days since my last entry.
Everyone keeps complaining and whining and being plain out childish over the order of my right sidebar.
Listen up, you hooligans.
I am going to reverse everyone, because order doesn't matter.
Order is not even for the universe... Remember entrophy?
Love you guys though.
You guys are my fucking hangover.

I went to Great Wall with Micheru before going to Spa night with Fallon and her crew.
One of the cooks has a toddler son who is just so fucking cute. Anyway. The kid is playing in the eating area, just to himself with some toys. Well, those toys were fake guns. He handed me the only gun that made noise and Micheru the one that didn't.
I shot at her.
She pretended to die.
He loved it.
He switched the guns before us and then pointed at me. Micheru shot at me. I died in my chair.
He tried to get us to do it again, but I didn't want to. So Micheru got up, played with him by combat moves. She rolled on the floor, fell down, pretended her body was being riddled by bullets by jittering on the ground.
The kid also had this amazing paper airplane. I wanted to steal it but he threw it so far away. By far away, I mean out of my arm's reach. But the airplane flew straight, could nose dive, and just be the best fucking airplane ever.

Then Micheru and I came late to a Spa party in Edmonson. I blame me because I was fucking hungry and wanted fooooooood.
It was a lot of fun, although I had to rub shit on my bare feet.
That's right. I don't like my bare feet. They're fucking gross. I'm not admitting that I have an eleventh toe, or one rotting away, or even having a toe that is crooked. I mean I just hate feet. They're fucking gross. I had an "offensive" saying about them: Feet are like retarded hands.
And they are.
Tried to make a shirt with that on it, but they weren't big fans.
I don't like feet, just like half of America wanted to vomit at 2 girls 1 cup. So, that's the best thing I can say about them.

In the spa we had to put some medicinal rag on our faces and breathe in and out 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.
The hostess said not to speak.
I said, "That'll be hard."
She asked, "What?"
"It'll be hard for me not to talk."
And it's true. By the end I was itching to speak.

Oh and the hostess had a three-level, that's right, three-fucking-level pirate ship in her backyard for her kids. It even had a pole to slide down. I could barely stand below deck.
Ha.
No, really, I want to go over there just to play with her kids in, on it.

Fallon - How goes it?
Me - It goes, you? I'm also resisting the urge to jump in leave.
Fallon - Jump in leave
Me - So awkward doing it alone.
Fallon - Im confused by what you mean
me - Jumping in leaves alone would be awkward.
Fallon - You just said "jump in leave" the s of "leaves" was crucial to understanding that.
Me - Hahahaha ohhhhh English Major.
Fallon - :P
She thought I meant "leaving" something. Really?

I tried to have my sensei let us try and translate Japanese videos because half our class was missing yesterday.
She said no.
FUCK LIFE.
haha. That would be the reaction to have.

Anyway, I have to go be busy somewhere else with my new fucking Reptar shirt.
Bitches be jealous of it.
REEEEEEEEPTAAAAAR

Festival

Went to the Arts Fall Festival on very short notice. It was right under my last class so it's all good.
Got a free fucking t-shirt.
Got some apple cider which tasted like I was drinking apple fucking pie.
Got to watch Micheru have a relationship with her caramel apple with chocolate chips.
Got a "free" pumpkin which I had to lug down the fucking hill. My arms were killing me. Could hardly lift a toothbrush to my face afterward. True story. Going to carve the shit out of it.
Don't know what I'm going to put on it. And I'm open to suggestions. Oh, and no penis, vagina, boobs, feet, starships, or anime suggestions - if I'm already thinking of them, that means it's not good.
Yeah, Fallon was there and I was going to give her a ride to Barnes and Noble. I asked how she saw me from the bridge thing up top. She said, "Well, first your hair, then your button-up. Then I looked to see who was calling me and it was you. Yeahhhhhh...."
BUTTON-UPS ARE COOL. Stop being jealous of the numerous ones I own.
Oh, and that shirt that guy is wearing is the free shirt I received.

In Japanese class today, my sensei put down her things and said, "I'll be right back, have something in my office to get..."
And as she was walking out, I yelled, "YOU HAVE TWO SECONDS."
The whole class just stopped and a weight began to descend. I didn't realize what I had said until she did this knowing smile and nodded at me.
I was the first one called on today for verbal exercises.
YES I APOLOGIZED after class, butttttt she just said no big deal. Hell yeah.

Today, I had to work alongside this poor boy at work. He asked me if it was true that if it's summer here, if it was winter in China.
....
I then explained that that was wrong and that the whole earth is nearer to the sun, not just one part. I then asked if maybe he got the night and day thing mixed up. He said he already kneeeew that. This boy is 18-years-old and in college.

Jaccob and I watched Ichi the Killer today.
The only part out of the entire fucking masochist of a movie to get him were the nipples.
Just that.
I don't know whether to be impressed or worried.
Baked and brought him muffins for breakfast this morning. Ha, two people who never asked for one grabbed one.
Next time we'll hide the extras.

And that's it.
I just wanted to blog about the festival before Fallon.
BOOM.

Crawdaddies

Bio Lab was a good Bio Lab.
We got to man-handle some crustaceans (see title). Although I never did touch one because every time I had the chance, it was submerged in some liquid so we can see the respiration patterns. Anyway.
Andy (the submarine guy) was talking to the group and he said something about a secret:
Andy - I would tell you guys what it looked like but I would have to kill you.
Me - Go ahead and we'll battle royale it out.
Andy - That's funny.
Me - I have a lot of glassware around me. *points to beakers* I'll even take this thing *points to biuret* and stab you with it.
Andy - I'll take the base and hit you with it.
Me - I'll stick a crawdaddy in your mouth to choke you to death.
Andy - I'll just stick it down your pants so you'll have crabs.
All five of us stopped and looked at him.

Japanese class is awesome.
Last Japanese class Megan called me a "baka."
So, on the back of an index card, I wrote, "Baka na hito [バカな人]," (stupid person) with an arrow pointing to her. She never knew about it.

This Japanese class, my sensei was asking us random questions blah blah blah.
So, she was asking the class, "hanbaagaa o tabemasu ka?" (Do you eat hamburgers?)
Most of the class replied, "Iie, tabemasen." (No, I don't.)
As she shifted the picture she mumbled, "Wow, I thought Americans loved hamburgers."

And, I forgot about how I drew facial hair on all my characters:

Every time someone looked over they made a comment.
I wanted to draw Godzilla in the background, but I figured that wouldn't blow over well with my sensei. I wanted a building and everything in its mouth. Maybe have a giant moth alongside it, with sound waves breaking windows and causing "Takeshi-san's" eyes to pop. But I digress...
But you guys have to admit that Godzilla in "Mearii-san's" little bubble is sporting that curly-q.

You guys are my baka na hito.
Just so we're all clear on the thin ice we all stand on.

Boo! I Scared You

Soooooooo.
Fallon, Rebecca, Stephanie, and I went to the Waverly Hills in Louisville last night.
Close those jaws of being stunned and impressed.
The haunted house sucked. Really sucked. It caters to pre-teens who had water bottles of vodka and one-hitters that looked like cigarettes. Public Announcement: YOU'RE NOT BADASS.
End transmission.
Two things were awesome about it:
1. Frankenstein. (I thought he was fake.)
2. This giant snake head.
The best thing about Waverly was the anticipation. They hype the shit out of you. Wait, they don't, the crowds do.
So, we drove two hours there.
Waited to even see the parking lot for about half an hour, maybe more where people walked, girls hung out of cars, and annoying teens trying to pass Rebecca on a one lane road.
Waited two hours in line.
Had a fifteen minute haunted house walk through and then out of there.
THE BALL IS OUT OF THE FUCKING PARK, GUYS.

So, here's the in-between.
Before we left Bowling Green we saw a parked hot air balloon. Everyone, geez, stop being jealous.

On the way there Fallon and I amused ourselves with our smarts. As we're talking, I kept trying to move around to get comfy. Rebecca said, "Heather, what're you doing back there?"
"Oh sorry, I'm only sitting behind the tallest person in the car."
Rebecca turned to Fallon, "Fallon, that was a bitch move."
"Yes it was, since I'm taller than you," I said with a matter-of-fact tone.
Fallon gave me a face, "You're not taller than me."
Me, "Uh, yes I am, shorty." (I added that nickname in so I can seem funnier.)
"Oh, really? How tall are you?" Fallon asked with a snarky undertone.
"Five six," I said, satisfied.
"Ha! I'm five seven."
I rolled my eyes, "I don't believe you. You're always wearing fucking heels and shit."
"Well, you're only taller because of your hair," she flatly said.
The haters come to the surface.
These curly locks get me out of tickets, air fare, and the occasional assignment. And they give me my greatest super power of all: Persuasion.
If I wish hard enough, it might come true.

When we arrived we waited and waited. When we got to the parking attendants, the guy said to move forward to the lady. Rebecca asked what. He repeated himself. As she drove forward, where his finger was pointing, she asked what he had said. Stephanie and Fallon said, "Go up to the lady."
So, with all the windows down and the man in arm's reach, I screamed, "HE SAID LADY, BECKY! GO TO THE LADY!"

In line we saw the so-called casket rides. They had little cameras inside to watch the people being so fucking scared inside. One dude was talking on his cell phone.

In lines to the bathroom, a random dude, he was definitely not on payroll, was walking around, dancing with people, getting pictures, getting right in faces. He was gyrating his hips in the air and everything.
I am hoping he was on something.
More than half the crowd was.
I think it's safe to assume he was.
But his mask was awesome along with his enthusiasm.

Really didn't feel like rotating this clockwise.

That's the ticket. As we waited there, they were playing awful punk rock music. Your kind of music, Jaccob. My ears were trying to commit suicide by killing off all my hair cells. 

And then THE WAVERLY HAUNTING.

It was bland.

Inside they have you line against an obviously fake wall. We did and the guy said, "Now, the actors are not to touch you, and you are not to touch them. We have had complaints of hair pulling and such, but those are not the actors!"

Fallon laughed.

The guy looked at her but continued.

DUN DUN DUN the pictures on the wall came down and all the scared people screamed and I was trying not to have my head on that guy's arm.

We walked through shit, people screamed in our faces.

The guys in front of me were so stoned or hallucinating off acid or something. I don't know. They weren't sober or drunk. It was amusing. One fell to his knees in fright once. He honestly wasn't acting because I wanted to high five him for it.

In the last part, this dead soldier wouldn't let Fallon and I through. So I said, "Fallon, let's create a wall and walk forward." 

We did and he started to back away.

I then stepped away from Fallon and put out my arms to touch both walls and walked forward. He broke character, smiled, and then stepped aside.

We left and on the way home the GPS lead us to a cemetery. Stephanie was getting so scared. Fallon said she was going to get her. Rebecca overheard:

(I'm taking this directly from Fallon's blog:)

Becky: Don't make her scream while I'm driving, it'll be bad.
Heather: Don't you wreck and make me die a Virgin.
Me:  Ooooh she'll come back and haunt you Becky, and when you are having sex she'll scream terrible things at you.
I could so see Heather doing that.

Funny part is, it's true. I totally would. Her husband wouldn't be able to get it up for the rest of their lives.

The haunted house would be so much better if they did timelines of historical events of Waverly's history instead of already cliched scary movies.

I am genius, I know.

But, I'm sorry guys, I have to go.

It's been nice.

As nice as realizing you perioded all over your bed in the morning.

Oh, those are the mornings.

I Am The Mastermind

Today is one fucking amazing day.
Glorious.
If Mozart had the chance, he would've wrote Hallelujah for me.
But that's all I'll say.

Still owed Jaccob money. Totally paid him back at Ruby Tuesday's where he ate seven of those fucking glorious bread things that had a taste of honey and cheddar. Surprisingly nice. And where he also "swept" half of each on the fucking carpet. Poor waiter. I tipped him well.
Oh, Jaccob also lost a bet.
He was complaining about the ketchup, how it was too sweet.
I told him it was just Heinz, that it was all in his head.
He didn't believe. I went fucking proactive and asked the waiter.
I won.
Fuck you, Jaccob.

I finished his gloves which he didn't wear in the "shivering" weather.
I was going to post your picture, Jaccob, but it's too far in our text history. So, it'll be my hands again:

Aren't they cool as shit?!

First pair of "finger" gloves I've ever done. So, if they truly suck in the end, this is my apology.

He resent me the picture.

AND THEN.

THE WORLD INTENSELY WATCHED ON THE EDGE OF THEIR FUCKING SEATS WHILE BECKY FINISHED HER HAT. THEY CRINGED, THEY CRIED, THEY DAMN WELL NEAR SHIT THEMSELVES AS SHE POSED WITH THE FINISHED PRODUCT. ALL APPLAUDED AT HER SUCCESS.

It is fucking fantastic for a many-step pattern and your first hat! My darling student is about graduated. I will never let you go. Probably chain you. If you try to leave, I'll stab you with a fucking knitting needle. Those things are legit.

To even up the debt Jaccob had after Ruby's, he bought me a VENTI frapp.

With this name:

Now I owe him one. He said the only reason he bought Venti was for the guy to yell it out. (Which he didn't, boo ya.)

And this is a formal apology because I felt I didn't pay enough attention to Micheru and Megan. There were six of us and it was hard to converse. 

Official blog material, Becky.

And, while all six of us were at the table, Becky sent us something perverted.

It was a text penis with an emote hand in the middle. There was shooting cum at the end and a wink face (like it got hit in the eye) at the end.

Jaccob was giving tips how to make the hand look like it was moving up and down.

That one's a keeper.

I have to go now. Maybe I'll expand on this when I PROMISE TO POST MY BLOG DEDICATED TO THE WORD FUCK.

I have six and a half hours before I have get up and work in the morning.

Then LOUISVILLE. Very excited.

Told Marina I was going there.

She stopped all conversation and said, "Hold up, bitch. You're comin' on my turf and didn't fucking tell me?"

"Well, I wasn't going to be able to see you and I figured it would be a slap in the face... Like it is now."

"Bitch."

I miss her dearly.

Fucking Body Image

I am a strong liberator of a female's body image. I say female because age has everything to do with it. No matter if they are three months old to a century, I care what a woman thinks of her body. Right down to the slightest imperfection such as a freckle in the wrong place.

See, image is everything for a society that places so much on what catches the eye.

But that's the problem: Catching the eyes.

The media tries very hard to draw our eyes to their ads, all trying different techniques. That's right, different. Yet the same. They're all bright, shiny, blinking, yelling, snarky, and sometimes (very rarely) unique. The underlying theme here is to see that it's all a cover-up. To cover-up the real product that normally isn't good at all. It's all a show to make money, to make what they want in life - to be rich and famous.
Which, those terms can be applied loosely.

Rich and famous say false happiness and attention.

That's all they ever want under all the make-up, the growling stomachs, the quickly aging bodies that can't keep up with their appearances. It all falls apart. Like food rots, like seasons change, like the dirt loses vitamins, like Pluto isn't a fucking planet anymore. It is all dispensable, all fucking wasting away until it's forgotten under centuries of the new image females are to live by.

And who set these standards? Who placed this useless pressure on strictly women to look a certain way?

It's just like the Master asking his slave to walk around naked in his presence.

Why do women submit to this pressure? Why do we feel guilty for not resembling, excuse me, for not being one certain image for a gender that obviously has no idea how a human body works. They're the ones leading science, telling us what we should and should not eat on a grocer's shelves. You tell me why the same gender who were so innovative back in the day because women hardly had the right to co-live alongside them are so hard on us?

Let me tell you, females, STOP HATING YOURSELF. Each female is beautiful in many different ways. We are all dimensional. We are just made to feel bad for the functions of said body.
I refuse anymore to feel bad because I am not pleasing passersby.
I refuse to feel bad because a person hates how I look.
Is one person to sit there and feel depressed because a stranger who knows nothing about their past life or who they are? They know nothing of how wonderful a person you are, how you take in friends, how you high five after dorky jokes, how your hair is naturally straight, how you help anyone when they ask, how you have a loving, but smartassey husband, how you love penguins to a freakish point, how you love practically anything purple, how you love cupcakes, how you love heels and socks, how you can't cook, how you have cloaks and dresses, how you go to nerdy festivals, and how you love everyone.
I fucking hate when you don't feel good enough to have someone see your face.
People love you and those people know you.
No one with you right now is judging you on what catches their eye because you're not fake.
You are a genuine person.

This blog is dedicated to Fallon who posted this.

Harshing on Vampires

Went to Todd's last night.
His son hit me in the face with a ball on purpose.
My face was literally :O!!!
I don't know what else to say other than if I could time travel....

So, Jaccob kept playfully pushing May, Todd's toddler daughter, backwards. She was trying to kick, but Jaccob kept defense blocking. All of the sudden she yells, "HEY, MAN, WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?!"
Don't know where she learned it.

So, Jaccob and I picked up some glorious coloring sheets at Kroger today when I bought him some lunch because I was a stubborn bitch last night with Papa Johns. (That's a different story. I just look stupid. Shut up.) He decided that this little caricature of a man being Dracula was going to be harshed up for me. I decided to do that same because I'm unoriginal.

That is what happened. Took me forever to find these markers. I know I have crayons and coloring pencils somewhere but they hid from me. I got so into coloring that I accidentally colored one of his fangs. The other has a blood-tip.
And those are stains on his shirt from being a messy eater.
I also added ear hair because that'll be future Jaccob.
I also put the setting at a Single's Bar because that's where Jaccob will be down the road.
I put everyone's to shame.
And I put my vampire green because Meyer's vampire's can fucking sparkle.
Fuck you.

Jaccob and I also had a special conversation. Because he's special.
I mentioned my dress.
He asked why wasn't it on my blog.
He finally saw the lock screen on my phone and asked why it wasn't on my blog.
Then he said he never recalls laughing at my blog since all I put here is funny stuff.
I call your bluff.

I'll only give him credz for this:

I'm the blue.

When we left Kroger, I finally got to take a picture of trunks with those little arms sticking out. I tag them whenever I see them. The little things, right?

I wish that was Jaccob's hand.
Oh, sorry.
It's my evil side talking.
Who the hell am I trying to convince?
That's just me.
Fuck you guys lata.

ps - Saturday rolls ever closer.

pss - This is for Micheru:
ス‐クールさん - ミチェルさん、 うちでおちゃをのみませんか。
ミチェルちゃん - すみません、ちょとお。。。
Ha, I'm still laughing.　ス‐クールさん's face....

君は僕のｖａｎｉｌｌａ！

Yes, I'm listening to some old school Gackt. And if you know who he is without looking him up, then I'm very glad we're friends.

Drunk half a pot of coffee now, but not in an impressible amount of time.
I am going to assume if I drink enough coffee that I will eventually burn off all my taste buds. I don't know whether to be excited or worried. Downside to no taste buds is that I could never be blindfolded and taste something. Would I even be able to feel the texture? Did it really damage the nerves? Upside, I could go on shows like Fear Factor and win a small amount of money (after taxes). I think the former would be more of a problem since my friends would stick fucking animal balls on my tongue and giggle excessively to one another.
I say, if I'm not getting paid to put balls (of any species) on my tongue then it's a no-go.

So, I had this large water I took with me from work to class. After class, I poured it down the drain while Micheru and I were finding stalls. As I poured it out, I said, "Mmmm, all those oxygen and hydrogen bonds going down the drain, mmmmm."
Micheru laughed and asked, "Are you okay, Heather? Having a water-gasm over there?"

My favorite part of Autumn? When all the chloroplast dies.

The other day at knitting lessons at Barnes-and-Noble, I bought 14 FRAMABLE PRINTS of dinosaurs with all the facts and time period of their roaming on the backside. I'm excited about posting them around my room within the next week. I'm gonna have T-rex right under my skeleton so SHE can be my protector. Judge not, folks.
Also, thou shall not covet. So, take that into consideration when you want to copy me.

Princess is being a little bitch.
One minute he wants in my lap and forces himself there.
Then he wants off and scratches me in the process.
BUT DAMN HIM FOR BEING SO CUTE AND TINY.
Or maybe he just likes Guns-n-Roses.
Whatevs.

This literally made me laugh for the next five minutes.

Spread the news everyone.

I have nothing else.

Next weekend will be big hopefully. I am looking forward to it.

Tomorrow is The Voice with two trolls.

Wish me luck answering their riddles to cross the bridge.

I have one.

Wait, I lied.

Digital Digital Get Down

This blog features mostly internet/text-related material. Reader Discretion is Advised.

So, Scotty did a group text with me, Jaccob, Alan, and some number I'm assuming is a girl named Christina. The group text included a picture of some tape dispenser shaped like an orange man on a toilet, looking happy as shit, ha.
I replied within the group text:
Me - I look that happy on the toilet.
Jaccob - Shut up, no one cares.
Me - Don't be jealous of my fiber content.
Alan - Lol, you and Jake both did [text in the group MMS]. Scotty sends me a mms and then I get one from Jake and 2 from you all while trying to bring up the picture.
Jaccob - Took you long enough. How long did it take you to think of that?
Scotty - I missed something, a picture maybe? Oh nvm I get it now. Yes, Jake you did.
Me - .3 miles. You're just jealous.
Random # - Who's this?

The first post-it (to the left) was left randomly in my desk by none other than Todd. I posted it on my little board. The next day, he added to the theme with another post-it in my desk.

I decided that he's my sponsor for eating my own dried mucus. 

A woman from work, Bernie, stuck this to my arm with a wink. I kept it in a better place. Right near my heart.

This was in our fucking workbook for Japanese class. I said that the guy running up to the girl was yelling, "PLEASE, YOU HAVE MY FAVORITE PEN!"

So, Becky, Alex, Fallon, and I were talking about how I had a place Fallon could crash if she wanted in town.

She said, "No thanks."

I said, "The bed is small, but I'd kick him out."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

Alex asked, "Just lay with him."

"That would be awkward - I'd have to be on top of him."

Becky chimed, "Well, first step to losing your virginity..."

Knitting lessons today went well. Can't post the pic of Becky without her permission and her choice of pic, but she's nearly done with her first hat! I am so excited I am nearly peeing on myself. Who am I kidding? I am leaking all over myself. Only from excitement - loss of bladder control is down the road a few years.

After school, I met up with Fallon with Micheru.

I was telling them about this hot fucking piece of ass who's a Spanish teacher. I told them how I fight the incoming crowd of the dismissed students just so I can look at him for a moment or two while he's gathering his things. I want to do things to this man.

And this guy behind us chimes in with, "Girls, girls, girls, I know you're talking about me, but damn. Control yourselves."

We laughed.

Then he said, "I wish," and walked away.

I like that guy.

The title had me think of the actual song by N*Sync. You know, by the time that song was released (2000) that was all coming around. It blew everyone's fucking mind.

Hilarious that they had to deliver the message of how fucking mind blowing it was with lyrics like....

"Digital digital get down just you and me

(You may be) Twenty thousand miles away but I can see ya
And baby baby you can see me"

What're You Talking About?

Oh geez, no real theme to this post. I am just shooting the breeze. Ooh, there's a theme. Shooting a breeze. Keep that in mind.

This evening, the post will be lead by Fallon.

Attention, everyone, attention.

Fallon, you may continue...

Fallon - Yeah, I have the car details on my FACEBOOK.
Me - I don't understand where you're getting at? My receptors are off.
Fallon - Anyway, yeah, she stopped me in the hallway and said sorry for my car because she keeps abreast of my issues.
I love how she fucking used that word in everyday context.
And she somehow managed to work in catalyses reaction with her car's fuel line.
Smarty pants.

As I drove Fallon to Barnes and Noble, she said I looked very attentive while driving.
I do when someone else is in the car because I cannot put my hand where I want it (the back of the passenger seat). I did and she told me it looked like we were dating.
I cannot look cool with my hand just all limp in my lap. It wants to HOLD THINGS, it wants to be USEFUL. IT WANTS A LITTLE LOVIN'.

I went to Todd's after class while I waited to get my sister.
Jaccob said something to May and she said something back that somehow deserved a high-five.
I moved his hand so she couldn't.
He tried again.
I moved it again.
He tried once more and once more I thwarted him. So he stopped me by crossing my arms and pinning them there. I looked at the little girl and said, "See, May, this is what winning looks like."
Jaccob turned to me and asked, "Really? This is what winning looks like?"
Well, she didn't give him a high-five.
Score.

Amanda just walked into my room, from the bathroom where she was giggling, and had her mouth wide open with her eyes shut.
She then started laughing and said, "It looks like a fun puppet face."
And walked straight back out where more giggling ensued in the bathroom.

She was at my door earlier after I got out of the shower and was shaking it. I told her the robe was coming off.
She stopped rattling it and said, "Here, let me hold it in for you!" And pressed it against the doorframe.
I love this girl.

To say goodnight, Amanda just said, "Night, seester. And if I die before I wake, Heather shall get nothing from this room." And then she closed the door.

This morning, in my Bio Lab, I was following the instructions with how much mLs to put in the test tubes when I turned around to the other two in my team. This is what I turned around to hear, "Yeah, Harry, get over your parents' deaths. Geez," Tanya said.
"Yeah, your parents aren't the only ones who died," Hailey said.
"Yeah, some kids' parents are still alive and raping them every night before they sleep."
When Tanya said that, the other groups around us looked at her too.

That's all I can remember about today.
It's been good actually.
I hope you all have horrible ones so I look more interesting and funny.

Reasoning Skills With Sexism

I had a great weekend.
And, for the first time, I am not being sarcastic.
(Me - I was being sarcastic, Jaccob.
Jaccob - Your sarcasm sucks.
Me - It's just because it's so dry and I'm so intelligent.)
Friday everything worked.
Saturday fucking tired.
Sunday is/was equal to Saturday.

I bought quite a few things on Friday.
Let me explain.
There was a giant book sale for the library that Jaccob, Todd, and I went to. Jaccob bought an entire box full of books.
I had ten/eleven books.
Which included some Stephen King, RL Stine, and Animorphs.
Please, stop being jealous. Actually, I wouldn't have went if it weren't for the guys, so thanks for the books.
And Jaccob loudly said that there were Twilight books over there. I said, "Oh cooooooool..."
Then some woman stopped me to tell me I was going in the wrong direction.
And some man with an eye patch handed Jaccob a book. Told him it was an awesome sci-fi. Jaccob said okay, he would try it out. Then the guy took it back, saying it was in his box. That man was pretentiously weird. He asked what genre I liked to read. I told him mostly horror. He asked if that meant vampires - like I'm some Twilight and Vampire Diaries bitch. I told him that was sissy shit, but not in those exact words - his eye patch was enough for me. He was pretty rad for it.
When we paid, however, I had to write out a check. Now, I have special ordered my checks (since I would have to pay more through my bank anyway) and they have little pigs on them. They're cute as fuck.
The woman who was ringing me up was up in my shit with, "Why would you special order checks with pigs on them?"
I showed them to her.
"Yes, they're cute, but why? It doesn't make sense."
And when I handed the check to her, she said, "And that's how you sign your name? Geez, your bank must know you."
I looked at her seriously and said, "Yes, they know me by name."

ANYWAY, on our way out I spotted some train/car 3D cardboard project. I picked up one of each and so did Jaccob.
I couldn't get the front of the train to stick, so I had to tape it. HOWEVER, I built mine first.

I had to tape the bitch down. I also tried to make it look like the train smashed into the car. Sadly, it just looks like the train is humping the sports car. Poor things.

When I set it up, I said, "Guys, you have to be as funny as this to be counted as blog material."

That's when Todd asked if the train was humping the car.

I couldn't pass them up. This is what Jaccob did with his car. Props, man, props.

Afterwards, I won shotgun in Todd's car.
I bought the No Strings Attached album. Yes, by fucking N*Sync. Don't judge me. I lost it all those years before. I'm listening to it now.
Bring da house, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon raise the roof.
Does anyone remember that movie where Lance tried to be straight.... Even Justin tried to be cool in it. I watched it for them. Excuse me, just for Justin. He was my crush in my early teen days.
Then I switched to Eminem.
Where the transition from the "prep" to the rebel happened I will never know.

Then we went back to Todd's where he showed us a movie his mom accidentally allowed him to watch as a 10-year-old boy. It's called The Toxic Avenger. Best fucking movie I've watched this year. I cannot explain how hilarious it was.
All I kept thinking was how this explained Todd as a person for me now. It was the epitome of you, Todd-ster.
If you haven't watched it, it is on Netflix, please watch.

We did watch maybe five minutes of this awful Russian movie. I was zoning in and out of boredom with the long, over-expensive opening credz. When I came back to, I noticed the names and said, "All their names look like math equations."
The guys just nodded and soon I found out that it was just a decoration for their names and the real Russian came up. I laughed and apologized for my stupidity. In all honesty, though, that's where all the budget for the film went to.

Todd didn't like the movie Mean Girls.

I'm drinking Dunkin' Donuts pumpkin spice coffee. It's not all that. Taste more like pumpkin potpourri.

Me - If you had a chance to be a woman for the rest of your life, would you?
Scotty - See, that dips into the unknown, I would not. You can sleep with all the women in the world but you won't actually know until you are one. But, honestly, I would not be a woman because I want to be left with my reasoning skills.
Me - So you're saying that you want to be a man so you can keep your reasoning skills?
Scotty - Yes.

Forgotten Idioms

Okay, so, I've decided to do a resurrection post of everything that's died out because I forgot to post it before.

< ressurection >
*In Japanese class*
Some girl - Sonoda-sensei, does Japan have a "bless you" saying for when someone sneezes?
Sonoda-sensei - Um, no.
Me - So, you all just sit there awkwardly afterwards?
Sonoda-sensei - No, we just don't mention it.
Me - That's awkward. What a culture shock.

Awhile ago Jaccob sent me:

I smell no sarcasm here. I am just reading something that's always right and always will be. I just read this and have to save this incase something took over his brain and made him forget every true fact in the universe.

So, he was afraid when I told him that I saved it.

So, he seemed to want to make lies (I think the something was already infecting him).

. . .

See what I mean?

I should host an exorcism where his penis has to go. Because, obviously, penises are a big deal to him.

< / resurrection >

(Because I only had enough memory for two.)

Last night I gave Becky knitting lessons at Barnes-n-Noble.

Micheru joined us.

So, we now officially have a knitting circle. Becky's hat should be finished before winter hits which is the good news. Bad news is when Fallon wants to knit the same hat.

Fall is here and the leaves are crunching under my feet.

Even that line brings a smile to my face. No more fucking 90-degree 10AMs. 

In other news, I've lost just over 20lbs now.

Stop cheering, Jesus Christ.

And it sucks in the way that my clothes are getting unshapely baggy. 

That, too, brings a smile to my face.

I have to go. I'm getting tired and I have work in three hours. I am just the epitome of awesome.

さようなら。

ps -  Fun fact. Even if the html tags are made up, blogger removes them in the posting process. Another fun fact, it allows spaced imaginary ones. 

Jaccob's Birthday

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JACCOB!

It has been an almost normal day. 

Except one young man turned another year older, another year closer to death.

 I baked him evil cupcakes.
No, kidding. Wish they were evil. Wish they could walk, talk, and have their little drawings come to life.
Life is not funny like that.
However, they're done and everyone loved them (which they told me, wish I had telepathy).

I promised him an entry to himself, despite me baking him cupcakes and despite me trying to light 23 candles which didn't work (laugh if you will, bitches) and despite me buying him the Doctor Who book he hasn't read. He gets one more thing from me and that's the key to all the little drawings above (no pun intended with the key drawing).

Okay, the ones in parenthesis are his interpretation of the drawings. Which was sad. Which Todd guessed all of them correctly.
(From top left, to bottom right.)
1 - Peanut from the nut conversation I've posted before (I don't know.)
2 - Chocolate conversation ensuing from the "Damn Skippy" comment (It's plain?)
3 - From when he forgot my name (Uh, my name?)
4 - He made a comment about the keys fitting right in the vagina. It was a "femineedist" comment. (Obviously a Kingdom Hearts reference.)
5 - A piece of candy where they (Todd and Jaccob) throw them at one another. It was quite hilarious. (Because I like candy.)
6 - We always argue if I'm 100% right. I am. (Because I'm 100% always right.)
7 - It's supposed to be a child since we both kind of made a dead kid joke in front of co-workers. Not our brightest moment. (I don't know.)
8 - The actual Kingdom Hearts reference.
9 - It was a book. Granted that it was hard to artfully interpret through icing.
10 - Harry Potter reference. (He got this.)
11 - It's a table. I've gotten "It looks like a swiss roll with legs" or "looks like a log with legs." From when we moved Todd's furniture. (I don't know.)
12 - A mic for when we all watch The Voice. (He couldn't interpret the picture.)

Hope you had a great day, Jaccob.
And you're still not as funny as Todd.