ROAR.

NEW FUCKING HAIR.
And, for the record, I am exhausted trying to be that sweet college type. Side-swept bangs, nice clothes. I'll fucking dress like a dyke if I feel like it and leave my bangs however they are whenever I feel like it. I don't want to be someone I can't even feel comfortable in. I don't even like to look in the mirror because I'm not as pretty as other girls, or their weight. That fat gene runs in my family and I will always be fighting it. A chocolate bar can make me gain five pounds and it's extremely hard for me to even stop eating junk. I'm around it constantly, that's what my parents bring home and, sometimes, there's nothing at work or I'm so hungry after work I could eat off my own arm or Taco Bell. It fucking sucks. I'm so much better than I was, but it's hard getting there.
I'm running again and trying to fit into a realistic pant size (four down from where I am now). If I ever get there, I'll be cool with that. To get motivated to do anything other than sit on my ass is argh, can't even describe it. I'll have to take vitamins for that spurt of energy it gives me before my pee starts turning green.
And, I like my hair. It's different than most girls and that's what I love about it. My other hair wasn't me. I couldn't stand it. It just, it felt like I was wearing an uncomfortable wig.
It's not only that... The girls I like are just so elegant and pretty. I feel like an ogre, standing beside them. And, I feel like, if I don't look like them, how am I to ever get in a relationship? And, it's true. I don't want a bull-dyke who thinks working on cars is recreational. I want someone like... Hm. I don't know. I really like Drew Barrymore.
and, hahahaha, DON'T JUDGE ME ON THIS, but...
Kristin Stewart. She's hot, there, I said it.
and, no, i don't want those fucking gay ass Twilight movies
I'm going to get my ears pierced soon. I like earrings. I've had them done twice before but I stopped wearing them and my holes grew in. Plus I have this retard ear and, although hardly anyone notices, it's just the point.
(My ear doesn't have that groove, the entire thing is just smooth.)

Erica sent me a funny text on my way to work Saturday:

I felt like that when I worked at Donita's. Sad days those were.

Nashville, nice.

Okay, so, I'm going to bed soon, I'm just waiting on my porn to finish downloading.
But, as I am waiting, I was poking around in my external HD. It's amazing. I found the old recordings of me and Cricket.
A couple of good ones.

I found one where me and Cricket were listening to the Pimsleur. We did that for a good five minutes. Repeating and learning.
Eigo.
Sumimasen.
Then another one where her mother was going to drive us to Hardee's.
Cricket had to put on pants (pajama freak). I was putting on my shoes and I look up to see her just putting on her pants OVER her pajama bottoms.
Me - What're you doing? Are you going to stay warm like that? Or are you just doing that because you're on your period and don't want to change in front of me?
*moment of silence*
Cricket - I forgot I had them on, sorry.
*laughter from me*
She starts to take them off and I look away through the entire situation.
Cricket - Why did you look away?
Me - I figured you didn't want me to look.
Cricket - Why aren't you looking at my vagina? *moment of silence* So?
Me - Okay.

the scenes are so graphic, IIIII can't even read them.

Watching American Psycho. Makes me think of the novel.
Love them both.
(But the novel is my favorite.)

Working on a new layout, too.
DEFINITELY still in the works.

Okay, the entire reason of this entry is because my sister told me a funny conversation and I had to post how proud of it I am:
Amanda - So, me and Tori were talking about my story and I told her than Kenny was the reason for ANYTHING. Roy interrupted and was like, "So, what's his reason for the sun coming up?"
I said, "He decided it was time for the whore to get out of his bed."

I love that girl.

I have a good one, too, but I would have to say it in person because I have to do the stance and everything.
It's about that damn Disney movie Camp Rock and some awful woman at work.
If you know me, ask me, I will be HAPPY to regale this.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CRICKET
LOOOOOOVE.
Monday.

Now, I'm going to go to bed early. Resting my voice. Discovered I had laryngitis. It fucking sucks.
I miss singing, talking.
I never noticed how many conversations I had with myself a day until it hurt to talk. Tuesday, I had no voice. Interesting but lonely :(
DAMMIT, I WANT TO SING TO JOURNEY. AND/OR QUEEN.
Don't you dare judge me.

Why aren't we funding this?!

Totally eventful day.
Got my new driver's license. It's all snazzy and sideways. Which is depressing because it means that I'm old. No, wait. It SIGNIFIES that I'm old and will never have those days back of naive nature. Or am I overdramatizing?

Second, went to Cricket's. Woke her ass up and made her mother jealous because Cricket isn't bitchy toward me, haha. I'm awesome.
That's right.
80s slang tonight, baby.
As we were motoring to Hobby Lobby (me driving), this car suddenly hit their breaks. Although I tried doing the same, I still bumped her car.
No damage. She still took my information, though. And I hers.
My first semi-wreck. Is that even in the category 'wreck' or 'pansy bumps'?

Bought water colors for whenever we 'hang out' again.
Then we went to Target and I bought her some fuzzy halloween socks I saw and immediately thought of her. Ha.

We then ate Chinese. Cricket received the worst fortune ever ('Please come to this restaurant again.')
I received two.
A woman then told us that she brought her father to have some Chinese when he was 80 (for the first time ever in his life). When he received his fortune, he didn't have one. He then asked his daughter if he didn't have a future. She told us two months later he died.
Wow, right?

Went back to her house and sat around and watched television.
I came home, because my throat has been bothering me ever since our last visit together. So, I sucked on this awful, taste like shit, lozenge because my mother made me or told me to stop 'bitching.'
I then sat around with them, in my pajamas, and watched television.

OH, I forgot to mention, one month ago today (exactly) I went to buy my first legal bottle of alcohol. The woman didn't card me.
What was even the point?
(TO GET WASTED!)
w/e. stfu.

ps - watched the season finale of True Blood. A minute each scene. I wish it hadn't gone by so quickly and made the last episode like two hours long.
Fuck them, right, for being lazy?

it's okay to say oops?

I'm not wearing a bra and I feel like, maybe, that was a bad idea. I feel 80 and how nothing will stay in place and has a mind of its own.
Tmi?


I painted a pretty picture.
No one laugh.
I like painting/drawing... I just SUCK at it. I'm just going to stick to writing.

SO. Cricket and I hung out yesterday night. It was nice.
She stole my phone and again and took pictures (per usual).


Isn't she beautiful? The things I would do.
Maybe that's the booze talking.
Haha.
Naw.
Just block my face from your mind. Those clothes? Everything I had was dirty, stfu.

Experienced my first road block yesterday night.
They didn't even ask if I had been drinking. Why wasn't there a reason I wasn't? I wasn't, but it's the point.

A few weeks ago, a woman brought her "service monkey" in. She said it was a service animal and I wanted to ask, "What is that monkey possibly servicing?"

Marina snapped that.

I got really tipsy a week or so ago, and took pics with my mannequin... Or, "my torso" (Cricket calls it).


Hehe, that one is my favourite.

OH OH OH.
I have conversations from last night. Hold on, I have to write them down.
Me - Yeah, my mother asks me about once a week, "heather, are you a lesbian?"
Tina - Well, are you?
Me - *offended face*
Tina - It's okay. Just tell me, are you?
Me - *offended face over to Cricket; she shrugs*
Tina - Hey, at one point I had to ask Cricket because she wasn't dating any boys.
Me - *drops offended face* That's because boys are boring and have no personality.
Tina - It's okay, Ichi, I understand.

Then we started reading random things from the guide as her father flipped through channels.
"I wanna relieve my foot pain!"

Then we started talking about hamsters. Because Zak killed one, squeezed it too hard.
Someone I can't Hear - Go play with a hamster.
Me - No. Then I can get hamster rabies. Then I turn into Hamstergirl.
Cricket & Tina - *laugh*
Me - What would my powers be?
Cricket - You could stuff a lot of stuff into your cheeks.
Me - I can run really fast!
Cricket - you could claw through almost anything.
Tina - You could bite through things---
Cricket - Yeah, you could bite through almost anything. You'd have gigantic buckteeth.
Me - I would have the cute factor to level ten.
Cricket - You would have the whiskers. You would have the ability to know if your entire body would fit through something by, you know, the whiskers.
Me - But what could I shoot out through my wrists?
Tina - Nothing.
Me - Awwwwww.
Cricket - Poop!
Tina - Little pellet poop.
Me - Oooh, nasty. I wouldn't go there, ever.
Tina - You could bend over and be like, "Pow pow pow!"
Cricket - You'd be able to eat almost anything. You would have a fascination with wheels.
Me - I could have some fun with that.
Cricket - It would be really easy to entertain yourself.

I love her. Cricket I mean, not Tina, haha.
But, isn't she cute? She realllllly got into that.

LOOOOOOOVVVEEEEE.

who's the cutest, sweetest boy in the whole world....?

Today, it's just.
A lot of miniscule things are happening in my life. Not something that I want to record, but just in general.
But, today at work, I was hit with some awful news. A man, older gent, had two kids and a wife, probably mid-30s, killed himself.
I really liked this man, I really did. He was kind, taught me things and liked to joke around; he had a really nice sense of humor.
I'm just depressed and angry.
He should have talked to someone, thought of his kids.
I'm not new to suicide. Two Uncles and a Cousin committed it in my family.

I know this is depressing, but... I had to share. This really hit me. I was tearing up as my co-worker explained. I barely new the guy - just his name.

<3

good-bye, good-bye, goodbye... no, not that.

I'm just quoting a song. Yeah.

I'm nearly drunk.
I'm a beer away, I guess. I'm too drunk to close my eyes, extend my arms and touch my nose. Haha. I love doing it.
Okay, it has yet to be a month since I turned 21-years-old and this is a list (I compiled of all I consumed, by bottles):
3x Burnett's Cherry Vodka
3x Oliver Red Wine
12x Beers (Heineken and Michelob)
1x Green Apple Smirnoff
1x Red Wine I can't remember/pronounce
1 glass of red wine at Olive Garden

That's all in three weeks. I don't have a problem. My only problem is turning 21 and wanting to experience shit.
Am I rite or am I rite?
(When I misspell it's my gansta speech.)

Discovered Mickey Avalon.
Amazing.
Perverted but amazing.

I love Cricket but she doesn't love me and proves it by ignoring me.
Life sucks.
I want her to love me, but something I do just doesn't sit right with her. What is it? PLEASE, SOMEONE EXPLAIN.
I think about it every day and never understand--never come to a conclusion.

OSHIT. NOTORIOUS SHUFFLED ON.
Let's ride, get high, get high, get high, let's ride, let's ride.


Work remains the same.

Susan barely crammed her body into what looked like an oversized wheelbarrow before the thing chasing her sniffed the air for her scent. She held her breath, gagging, sweat pouring from every pore of her body. Her legs twitched and ached in their awkward position. Her head pounded from a migraine. Her body begged for release and all she could really think about was what was still five feet away from her, maybe, maybe less.
Footsteps, silence.
Crickets and wind.
Anonymous scream.
The girl released some of the air pressure - with it, vomit. Ziploc lips, the vomit pressed tightly upon them. Susan squeezed her eyes shut, reminding herself of the monsters. If she let it out, they, it would smell her. Discover her stuffed into some wheelbarrow with mice gnawing at her shoe and something crawling in her tangled hair.
Susan wanted to moan. Every atom of her being moaned and she wanted to release what she felt.
The anxiety.
The fright.
The thought of being twenty-years-old and dead.
She wanted to be at the party still. Drunk. Couldn’t even remember her own name. Now, her party clothes were torn, soiled and one of her brand-name shoes lost somewhere outside of her safe spot.
Susan wanted to cry, but it would give away her position.
For one brief moment she stared at the night sky and not at limitless space, vomit swishing her mouth-the taste of alcohol and rotten eggs. Susan appreciated it and wondered what constellation was which prior to noticing how still the night had gotten and the wind, there wasn’t one. The crickets, none of them played.
She wanted to ask what was there, but despite her quietness and the will to stop her body in all its endeavors to cope, Susan noticed a pair of gray hands gripping the side. When she opened her mouth to scream, the head popped over the side and smiled.
Susan, before the monster aimed for her throat, chocked to death on her vomit.