THE BIG PICTURE PALOOZA

That's right, folks. It is THE BIG PICTURE PALOOZA. That means because my lazy ass didn't make a post, I now have to show the boring pictures of my life. The content is miraculous though. The holidays have almost passed (Tuesday is the end!) and I have many boring life photos. Like when I watched my grandmother's video about "wild horses." Folks, you could see the fence the horses were running behind. Poor, defenseless old people. They try their best, they really do.

BUT LET'S GET THE HOLIDAY REWIND STARTED:

I like to start my mornings out right, especially with an awesome fucking cheesecake I made last night...

Hey, stop drooling. Clean your nasty self up. The only thing it's missing is strawberry/cherry glaze. Didn't know I would be baking this scrumptious piece of art last night, so I was mightily unprepared last night.
It's okay, I've already apologized to myself.
I just high-fived myself for trying something new and succeeding.

Then, also this morning, I finished a baby blanket for Jaccob's niece.

Took me a couple of weeks because I got really busy. Wait, you don't believe me, you probably just think I make this shit up. Understandable. But I know I'm better than you.

This was a very simple knit. Next I can't wait to make tiny cardigans for the girl.

And speaking of this baby, here's her and her Uncle Jaccob:

Isn't that the cutest fucking thing ever? He fed her and then handed her to me (I really wanted to hold the precious bundle of meat and bones)... Within the first five seconds of holding her, she threw up. Nearly on me, but it just dribbled out.

I make kids vomit.

It can be a power or weakness.

I guess depending on the situation.

Next, has everyone seen Despicable Me? Good. Well, there's this girl character, Edith, who wears this pink hat. I loved it. So I knitted it. Used a pattern made for super bulky yarn. Had to improvise, but the first strand of pink is smaller than the rest for the reason. I just didn't have enough caring nature in me to go back and fix it.

My most prized knitted possession.

Then there was Christmas.

Everyone here knows how I already feel, but I have great friends whom I love. So I celebrate on their behalf. And I got a lot of thoughtfulness this year. Made me very happy these people are in my lives. For example, here's Fallon.

She surprised me with some great, great gifts.

I guess surprise is for any gift, right?

Anyway. 

Love the fucking shirt.

FUCKING LOVE the pig trash can. Don't want to use it for things I discard because that symbolism clashes, I think. 

And a mug (which I use for tea). 

Everything coincided with being thoughtful. I loved them. 

When I walked in and saw her holding that pig trash can, I honestly squealed, "OMG YAY!"

My girly side comes with a vengeance sometimes.

Next is Alan.

I got him a $30 giftcard to put toward Farcry 3. Don't worry, geeks, he bought it the next day.

Then he got me a knitting book. Not just any book, but something hipster and lovely.

I will resurrect every ball of dead yarn I can.

Jaccob bought me something.

Not just something.

But a something that I FUCKING HATE AND WILL "ACCIDENTALLY" LOSE.

Kidding.

I love it, Jaccob.

He even wrote something in it, but I won't disclose that since I want it to be between us.

Oh, and if you don't know where this journal is from, stop reading my blog.

Kidding. 

I know Scotty, Marina, and Todd definitely won't know.

(It's River Song's journal off Doctor Who.)

Last, but not least, MARINA.

She came to town for Christmas and we kicked it.

We went to Opry Mills in Nashville and acted like girls. Which is stereotypical and wrong of me to say. But I will say we giggled and bought things. Well, WHILE buying things.

He worked at Spencer's. This was supposed to draw people in. It worked.

We bought matching bracelets. 

I totally wasn't at work during this...

That's right, even italics for sarcasm.

My Christmas gift from her :)

I love the raspberry earl tea.

Presents I don't have pictures of are as follows:

- A dug out.

- Fallon also got me a winter-themed rubber duck. (Which is chilling with Halloween, Pirate, and Plain ducks.)

Wow, I thought I had more than that. I suck.

Oh, one day Jaccob and I were at Sonic's.

The carhop brought us our food and pointed to a gentleman pulling out from a spot. She said he paid for our food and "Merry Christmas."

We did the same for a woman.

I poked myself in the eye with Jaccob's penis.

It was dark.

I wasn't sober. That's it. That's my excuse.

I hate those fucking antlers people put on their cars. Especially paired with that ridiculous Rudolph nose.

I haven't finished one book in two weeks.

I've been busy I said!

I've become obsessed with Kings of Leon.

I've also slipped on my diet the past six weeks. Time to bump it again. Jaccob says he doesn't want a slob for a girlfriend.

I'm kidding.

If he ever said that, he wouldn't have a penis.

I would poke a bar through his urethra. 

I am now bored of this and have cheesecake to deliver to family.

BUY GAIS.

Ha, haven't typed that in forever.

AWKWAARDDD

A lot has happened since my last post. Funny thing is I can't even remember my last post. Oh yeah, gifts and hats. Well, now it's more gifts.

I went to Fishey Business to get Micheru a gift for Christmas because she has this fetish over fish. She just gets this calm look over her face and her eyes roll back in her head every time. It's odd and no one mentions it because it's so odd. I would hate to see what she does in front of her three fish tanks.
But, they had two Aussie pups for sale and they had their parents running around the store. The woman dog was carrying around a tennis ball. I got to play catch with her. I did for like ten minutes, it was fun.
Then I went to pick up Micheru from campus and we went together to get decor for her fish tanks mostly because I didn't know how big her tanks were and what she likes to see at the bottom of her said tanks.
I try not to judge in these situations.
We did find a little decoration with a clown fish looking very sad in its anemone.
(Don't judge me that I know that because of Finding Nemo.)
Then she drove me on over to Crafty Hands where she bought me the knitting needles that I loved of hers.
It was a good day.
Micheru never bought a Christmas gift in front of the receiver of gift. So, glad to take your cherry on that one, Micheru.
She called it, "The most awkward Christmas exchange."

What's awkward is that fact I thought a jellyfish decoration was, in fact, a jelly fish.
Neither Micheru nor I pointed out how sad that was.

That Water Dog is amazing. And if you've read my story Opal's Transformation, then that's almost what the water creatures look like. I made up a Water Dog. They never existed until I made them up. 

The second picture.... The poor soul isn't dead, just asleep. IT'S FUCKING CUTE.

We never take anything seriously.

I got airborne and was looking through my phone while cuddling with Jaccob.

We're looking and I read that spiders was the most common fear and that he had it.

Jaccob - Uh, it's snakes and mice that I'm afraid of.

Me - Oh yeah! *continues scrolling* You know what though? *clicks out and go to safari.*

Jaccob - Heather, I'm not scared of pictures.

Should've seen how sad I got.

One more final to go and it's Japanese.

THEN I'M FINISHED FOR FIVE WEEKS.

Can everyone count to five on their fingers?

I always start with three.

Get it?

The Goonies

I'm wearing your shirt as I make this post, Jaccob. [I was, but now I'm wearing your thinking cap.]

So, Jaccob has decided to make himself more of a man by asserting himself oddly. Here's an example:
Jaccob needed the pizza in the oven before we had sex. I told him sure, and I get out of "cuddle" mode to go turn on the stove to warm up. Then I realized I didn't know how to work his stove.
This little bitch then says, "Really? You're so retarded."
I push him back on the bed saying I'll figure it out then, by myself.
He won't take no as an answer. I keep pushing him away from his bedroom door. and he tries to do some wrestling move. I still get my body on the door to stop him.
I don't know how he did it, guys, but I somehow ended on the floor which was the worst move yet.
He grabbed my arms, while getting the door open. I was half sitting and laying down. The bastard drugged me out of the bedroom. And with my free grip I tried from his bedroom door casing and his brothers. Jaccob somehow got me to let go and he grabbed my legs and started to drag me across the living room.
We interrupted his brother doing his pushups. I yelled at Jaccob to go join him.
Then we entered the kitchen where he helped me up. It took me two tries to get up.
I WAS NOT EMBARRASSED. Just plotting my revenge.

Todd and I were talking about trust, and I said something about unreliable people in the past. He said, "Your trust muscle is atrophied."
High-five.

So, my sister and I went to the Great Russian Nutcracker last Wednesday. Amazing it was. Well amazing when there was actually a Russian Ballerina. The set was amazing. Some of the sets had Russian on the screen. Small things, people, small things in life.
The guy behind me and Amanda was ancient. I think so ancient that he couldn't control his flatulence. Through the first act I kept thinking it was the guy beside me. He probably thought it was me because when he came back from the break, he sat on the other side of his daughter.
I only knew it was the old man because he left and the smell dissipated. He came back and I had to verify with Amanda that it just wasn't me smelling someone's asshole.

So Jaccob and I got airborne sometime late last week. Well, we're sitting outside and I mention if he think it's cool that a mighty oak comes from one single seed. He said he wasn't. I then asked why.
He said because we came from one cell.
Think about it, thanks to cellular division we are here. That we grew and grew, expanding our limps and maturing our looks. I explained that to him and he replied, "Shut up, you're starting to freak me out."
Ha.
Then he mentioned a fun fact with sperm. That the last sperm, the lazy one, makes it in because all the other ones broke down the shell and left a pathway.
I then said, "What do you think an egg has? Layers of traps? Like it's like some fucking pyramid in egypt with its layers of traps?"

I met up with Micheru to go to a poetry reading on Thursday night.
She surprised me with a gift:

It's the pillow pet pig!

I purposely put Princess in the picture because they're both so adorable! He's looking at my snapping fingers again....

THANK YOU, MICHERU. I seriously appreciate it. It's very thoughtful.

My sister gave me her Christmas gift early.

IT'S. A. FUCKING. DOCTOR. WHO. MUG.

When there's hot liquid inside, the Tardis disappears and appears on the other side, with all the space decorations. It amazes the shit out of me.

I was trying to be badass so I could text Jaccob that I was him and being all kinds of punk with my Kingdom Hearts tee on. It failed.

I can't stop laughing every time I look at this photo.

That's also the thinking cap I referred to at the beginning of this post.

Saw a guy at Dairy Queen the other day actually take a picture of his blizzard turned upside down.

...

Everyone remember that commercial?

That's all I have, folks.

It's disappointing and a little aggravating.

Hey, finals end soon and then I'll have shittier things to talk about.

Like how I want to paint my toenails the most awful shade of nail polish I can find.

I'll make sure to make an entire post dedicated to my decision making....

"Then there was this green that looked like the exact color of my shit after I eat a bowl of Trix cereal."

たい焼き！

わたしはたい焼きを食べました。おいしいでしたよ！アマンダちゃんはメーガンちゃんとたい焼き尾を食べました。私は「さかなですよ！」と「たべませんか。」を書きました。アマンダちゃんは「おいしいですよ！」を書きました。

It was a cold fall day on Western's campus. All had either a coat or sweater, and the brave had on nothing. I was part of the brave -- just a sweater vest and jeans to keep my 98.6 degrees circulating. BUT, Micheru and Megan had coats to brave the harsh wind. And the wind seemed to be coming from all angels: Left, right, behind, in front of... There was no escaping our skin drying, no escaping our extremities turning red, and no escaping the goosebumps prickling up our arms.

No, we were on a mission from the great and powerful Events Notice. Events Notice is a newly long-standing tradition of informing our trio of treasures to be had around campus. Once it informs us, we have until the day of to find it.

To start the adventure I treaded to FAC to wait for my Japanese class. Micheru and Megan were already waiting, informing me that their Events Notice told them that there would be Taiyaki, fished-shaped pancakes, to be ate on campus. We all decided to find these special pancakes from the allotted time they would be available. We stopped for doubloons for said Taiyaki.

We hunted for the Taiyaki table.

We spotted one in the worst gust of wind imaginable on campus. Their table was wobbling, their dishes were threatening a windy suicide, and the people had the cold syndrome with all the symptoms. We introduced ourselves, ravishing the sign with Japanese while they set up.

The pancakes were astounding with the shape, with the crispy patterns of scales. Our eyes glowed with fascination and adoration for the skill and effort the Japanese Culture Club put in to making the Taiyaki. And the looks matched the taste, even covered in syrup. I wanted to take a picture with my Taiyaki safely on the plate, but the wind, the evil wind caught my suicidal plate. The plate tipped over, spilling syrup all over their small station. I kept apologizing while everyone awkwardly stood there trying to decide if I would clean it up or not.

BUT I AM THE BRAVE AND THE WORTHY. I sentenced myself the task of searching for the nearest restroom on the first floor of FAC. I took a deep breath full of the cold and headed inside. Behind me were the figures of Micheru and Megan standing and watching as I disappeared into the dimly lit hallways full of onlookers. The onlookers watched as I took my sticky plate through more hallways, past doorways full of humanly creatures twitching their heads at the scent of syrup. I continued walking trying to spot the circle woman in the triangle dress - the emblem of cleanliness and relief.

Nothing.

I was carefully making my way back to the set of doors where the rest of my trio waited when I had a sudden realization. I had water with me the entire time! I could've not risked my self-respect and just wetted a napkin outside and cleaned up my suicidal plate's mess. Alas, hindsight is 20/20. Nearly back, I received a text from Micheru. "Dudette, where did you go?"
I tried answering, but I caught her eyes first.
I came back to the evil wind saying, "I couldn't find the restroom. Then as I'm coming back I realized I had water with me."
I cleaned up my mess and we headed to Japanese class, forever logging the taste, smell, and pattern of the Taiyaki.

I Ain't Worried About It

For the past almost-week nothing has happened.
And I mean nothing.
I've had sex, worked, and just pretended to study.
I really have nothing exciting in my life, not even by the social definition.
So, by popular demand, I'm going to make an entry with some funny stuff recently, if I can even remember it.

Jaccob and I tried to have sex in my driveway, in his car, with my family watching TV in my house. So, I'm on bottom and we're going at it. One can hear the trunk door clapping (I like to think) and the car "a rocking" (as the kids call it).
Then he sees headlights. I ask what because he stops and is smiling while looking outside the back window. He says, "There's a car stopped in the middle of the street." It's not a street, guys. I live on a highway between two small cities. The speed limit is 55, but 65 to a native.
"What?"
"Yeah, it's just stopped there."
After a couple of seconds, the car then pulls into a driveway. We try again, but I can still see the headlights and I crane my head upward to look and the headlights are shining directly into the car. I sigh, look up at him and say, "Nope, this isn't going to happen for me."
He agrees that it wasn't for him either. "But," he says, "We can keep going for exercise, if you want."
I consider this until the car was slowly pulling out then I just shake my head.
We decided to stop, but this is a shout out to that car. To be direct: FUCK YOU, STOPPED CAR.
And, yes, don't worry ladies because we both did the Titanic joke with the hand on a fogged window.

I came home from Todd's and I'm just sitting here doing an assignment (pre-blogging, don'cha know). Then my mom comes up on my doorway, making small talk. This woman is stalling, I know this. She asks me how my day went.
I say, "It wen...."
I stop because this happened:

And then immediately did this: HHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

My sister is behind that. She paid 40 bucks for that and I say MONEY WELL SPENT. That's fucking hilarious. If I had extra cash, it would be going toward the Cartman rendition.

In lab today, Haley and I were getting bored of the lecture. So she decided to make a Haiku about her life. This is it, guys:

"That's me everyday," Haley said.

Before she made the announcement about the Haiku, I thought she said IQ. I asked what the highest score could be, then I mimicked a person in my group saying, "Well, I don't Heather, why don't you take it so we can know."

Then Andy stepped in and said, "For the lowest."

I pointed to my heart and said, "Ouch."

In math class today there was only me and this guy in there. I spark up conversation with him because I'm fucking bored. I ask what he's majoring in and he replied, "Geology."
Now, he seems pretty stoic talking to me, so I say, "So, do you ever go to Lost River Cave to get a hard-on for all the rocks?"
He doesn't even falter when he replies, "No, I'm not big into caves. I like making things in labs, and sites."
I pause after he finishes and say, "You didn't even flinch when I said that. No smile or anything. Just straight-lined it."
Then he smiled and let out a small, but genuine chuckle.

I was in the kitchen studying the other day while my sister played Skyrim in the next room. We're talking about how we like our friends, but sometimes we want a break. And she says, "I have video game friends, Heather. They're virtual. If I don't want them to talk, I'll turn off my game. And when I turn it back on, they'll be waiting for me."
She's serious.

But that's all I got. I've been trying to think of other things.
Whatever, I play.
I genuinely don't give a shit.
Hope you all have a blessed day.

The Arena of Losers

So, I'm in the kitchen and I began to play You Took The Words Right Out of My Mouth by Meatloaf. My sister was all, "Shut it off! You have headphones! That song sounds completely gay!"
(I used all those exclamation points to make her seem gay.)
So, I finally go get my headphones because she won't shut up about it.
A little while later, as she's leaving, I hear her lowly sing, "You took the words right out of my mouth...."
I stopped, turned around and said, "OOOOOOOOOOOH!"
Then me and my mother began singing it.

Yesterday I had some advice for guys that I inadvertently said to Fallon:
Fallon - So I was thinking of Christmas presents the other day.
Me - And?
Fallon - I miss when my husband used to write poems for me.
Me - I just wish he'd more corny. I hate admitting that. Because if he fucks you then he should put out emotionally.
Fallon - Lol.
Me - I know I'm right. And although some girls put up a rough front, they love a little emotion. I'll admit that's why I love yaoi.
Guys, heed my advice. I'm always right. Jaccob will agree, won't you, HONEY BEAR?

I should be studying for biology but I can't figure out how. Sad.

I am now listening to some old school Big Bang.

I was over at Todd's and said something about not going to class tomorrow because of how tired and behind I am in certain places. He said he could write me a note. I said, "Oh, please, daddy?!"
Below is what ensued:

Sadly, I had to leave shortly thereafter and I received an e-mail from Todd saying:

Let me start by saying Jake is fast asleep.  Below is his note.

Dearest Supervisor or "Boss,"

My dear son cannot report to duty on November 8th in the Year of our Lord, 2012.  Many factors play into his inability or preform menial labor for subservient wages.

First, he's as close to having a venereal disease as possible without actually having one.  his new girl has been riding him hard of late, bruising and chaffing him to vicious degrees.

Secondly, there is a certain dildosity to the team which he cannot always tolerate.

Thirdly, he has been grief stricken by the current state of political unrest aka the election.

Surely you can understand that this vile combination of raw dogs, dildos, and failed political dreams could ravage anyone's drive to work.

God bless!
Daddy

High-five, Todd, high-five.

Waiting for 日本語のクラス we were all discussing Minecraft. Then I said I could build houses for hours on SIMS. Someone said something about Woohoo on SIMS.
This dude spoke up with he never played SIMS enough to know about that.
Me - You've never had sex on SIMS?
Dude - No. I think I played SIMS 1 and burned my waffles. Then I got pissed. I just went to my neighbors, pissed them off and then excommunicated myself from the community because I burned my waffles. If I hadn't of burned my waffles then I would probably be playing it right now.

Today the wonderful Fallon helped me with my math. I LOVE YOU FOR IT. And all the while she was using her phone as a calculator. Suddenly this random song lowly played in the background. She then stops speaking in the middle of her sentence and checking all her pockets. She starts to panic and then checks her jacket pockets. She then says, "Okay, give me a minute, I need to find my phone."
I give her a confused look and then slowly scoot up her phone clearly on the table to her. "You mean this, right here?"
She stops and does "headdesk."

SCIENCE DID THIS ON A LEAF.

AWESOME ANONYMOUS DID THIS AT WORK.

DUN DUN DUNNNNNN.

I Am Exhausted

I would like to start from today so I can put all I remember in order... Well, backwards order.
Jaccob invited me over, despite the football game being on. Dolphins versus... Wow, some team in blue - I can't even remember their name. I studied a bit for my Japanese vocabulary test. Then the game went off. Finally thinking we had alone time, another game came on Steelers VS NY Giants.
I was internally cursing.
I wanted alone time with him.
So, I just started distracting him with kissing his neck, touching places, and pressing my body against his. Of course, he eventually caved. But we agreed if we were going to have sex, that he could turn his head and watch it whenever he wanted.
Guys, he did.
While having sex, he was watching and yelled, "TOUCH DOWN."

Then we went to Haven with Scotty, Alan, and their friends. One girl brought Cards Against Humanity. Hilarious fucking game. I want to own that game.
Christmas ideas.
Jaccob won of course. He told me I was going to hear about it all the way home.
So I did my mocking voice, "Oh, honey, do you remember when I won that game?"
A guy liked my comment because I'M FUCKING HILARIOUS.

The other night I came over and Jaccob and I were making out.
Then he started to strip me. I said, "Hold on, who said I was ready?"
He scoffed, "Whatever, I cough and you're ready."
. . .
I can't help it, Jaccob.

On Halloween night Jaccob and I got airborne (thanks to Todd for this word).
We were standing outside his window after climbing out of it for the hell of it. He said something about his room being the Love Room. Then I thought of how one might say that in Japanese.
"Ai no... What's room? Geez, would it be lovely room?"
So, when we eventually went back inside I got on google translate. It said, "愛の部屋."
I stared blankly then said, "Ai no... whatever that is."

On Halloween there was also confusion about someone not having on a condom and the other person not knowing until they stopped to put it on in the first place.
Bam.

Jaccob tried to match our noises to a song from The Lion King.
No, not Hakuna Matata, but The Lion Sleeps Tonight.

I like interrupting makeout sessions with, "Jaccob, what do you like most about me?"
He would laugh.
And I would stop again with, "I'm serious."
Every girl is now nodding and smiling.

IN OTHER NEWS....
I'm tired of Bananas being the more fragile fruit. I put it in my backpack; it gets slightly bumped and the whole fucking banana is bruised. Never met something with such an iron deficiency.
If I want that shit in my locker at work the peel is a soggy brown four hours later on lunch. Fucking metal. Fucking banana.

Saw Wreck-it Ralph! Was awesome.

I am now officially pooped out.
Ha, pooped.

Red Eyes

Todd has this annoying fucking halloween door decoration. It's a skeleton and it blinks its eyes with a loud screech. I hate that fucking door.
So, before I left Todd's to go pick up my sister, Jaccob and I were making out in his backseat. We were horizon style in the back, with our feet sticking out -- the door won't shut because of them. Well, it was getting heavy and in the background I hear, "EEEEEEEEEEEE!"
And I lift and say, "I heard Todd's door."
"No way," Jaccob said.
I look up and there was the door, with the lights blinking at me as a warning.
I laughed and then said, "His door went off."
We both laugh and then decide it's time for me to go.
Oh, that's right, I was on top because I'm the masculine energy.

I was at Todd's Saturday and he put a plastic bag just over his head and said, "I'm a warning."

My allergies are fucking killing me. My throat is sore. Not my larynx, just the between space from the air pipe in my nose to the beginning of my tonsils... And that's it.
Fuck Princess.
No, I'm kidding, that cat is my different-species son.

Listening to the Chicago soundtrack.

FUCK THESE ALLERGIES.

That's it, actually. 

I have homework to do so I can clean tomorrow and make a nice, neat home for Jaccob to eat in.

I'm kidding.

Some guys just can't handle their arsenic in dirty houses.

If you guys get that quote then I'm glad we know each other.

This is My Shit

Leaves and Spas

It's been a funny few days since my last entry.
Everyone keeps complaining and whining and being plain out childish over the order of my right sidebar.
Listen up, you hooligans.
I am going to reverse everyone, because order doesn't matter.
Order is not even for the universe... Remember entrophy?
Love you guys though.
You guys are my fucking hangover.

I went to Great Wall with Micheru before going to Spa night with Fallon and her crew.
One of the cooks has a toddler son who is just so fucking cute. Anyway. The kid is playing in the eating area, just to himself with some toys. Well, those toys were fake guns. He handed me the only gun that made noise and Micheru the one that didn't.
I shot at her.
She pretended to die.
He loved it.
He switched the guns before us and then pointed at me. Micheru shot at me. I died in my chair.
He tried to get us to do it again, but I didn't want to. So Micheru got up, played with him by combat moves. She rolled on the floor, fell down, pretended her body was being riddled by bullets by jittering on the ground.
The kid also had this amazing paper airplane. I wanted to steal it but he threw it so far away. By far away, I mean out of my arm's reach. But the airplane flew straight, could nose dive, and just be the best fucking airplane ever.

Then Micheru and I came late to a Spa party in Edmonson. I blame me because I was fucking hungry and wanted fooooooood.
It was a lot of fun, although I had to rub shit on my bare feet.
That's right. I don't like my bare feet. They're fucking gross. I'm not admitting that I have an eleventh toe, or one rotting away, or even having a toe that is crooked. I mean I just hate feet. They're fucking gross. I had an "offensive" saying about them: Feet are like retarded hands.
And they are.
Tried to make a shirt with that on it, but they weren't big fans.
I don't like feet, just like half of America wanted to vomit at 2 girls 1 cup. So, that's the best thing I can say about them.

In the spa we had to put some medicinal rag on our faces and breathe in and out 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.
The hostess said not to speak.
I said, "That'll be hard."
She asked, "What?"
"It'll be hard for me not to talk."
And it's true. By the end I was itching to speak.

Oh and the hostess had a three-level, that's right, three-fucking-level pirate ship in her backyard for her kids. It even had a pole to slide down. I could barely stand below deck.
Ha.
No, really, I want to go over there just to play with her kids in, on it.

Fallon - How goes it?
Me - It goes, you? I'm also resisting the urge to jump in leave.
Fallon - Jump in leave
Me - So awkward doing it alone.
Fallon - Im confused by what you mean
me - Jumping in leaves alone would be awkward.
Fallon - You just said "jump in leave" the s of "leaves" was crucial to understanding that.
Me - Hahahaha ohhhhh English Major.
Fallon - :P
She thought I meant "leaving" something. Really?

I tried to have my sensei let us try and translate Japanese videos because half our class was missing yesterday.
She said no.
FUCK LIFE.
haha. That would be the reaction to have.

Anyway, I have to go be busy somewhere else with my new fucking Reptar shirt.
Bitches be jealous of it.
REEEEEEEEPTAAAAAR

Festival

Went to the Arts Fall Festival on very short notice. It was right under my last class so it's all good.
Got a free fucking t-shirt.
Got some apple cider which tasted like I was drinking apple fucking pie.
Got to watch Micheru have a relationship with her caramel apple with chocolate chips.
Got a "free" pumpkin which I had to lug down the fucking hill. My arms were killing me. Could hardly lift a toothbrush to my face afterward. True story. Going to carve the shit out of it.
Don't know what I'm going to put on it. And I'm open to suggestions. Oh, and no penis, vagina, boobs, feet, starships, or anime suggestions - if I'm already thinking of them, that means it's not good.
Yeah, Fallon was there and I was going to give her a ride to Barnes and Noble. I asked how she saw me from the bridge thing up top. She said, "Well, first your hair, then your button-up. Then I looked to see who was calling me and it was you. Yeahhhhhh...."
BUTTON-UPS ARE COOL. Stop being jealous of the numerous ones I own.
Oh, and that shirt that guy is wearing is the free shirt I received.

In Japanese class today, my sensei put down her things and said, "I'll be right back, have something in my office to get..."
And as she was walking out, I yelled, "YOU HAVE TWO SECONDS."
The whole class just stopped and a weight began to descend. I didn't realize what I had said until she did this knowing smile and nodded at me.
I was the first one called on today for verbal exercises.
YES I APOLOGIZED after class, butttttt she just said no big deal. Hell yeah.

Today, I had to work alongside this poor boy at work. He asked me if it was true that if it's summer here, if it was winter in China.
....
I then explained that that was wrong and that the whole earth is nearer to the sun, not just one part. I then asked if maybe he got the night and day thing mixed up. He said he already kneeeew that. This boy is 18-years-old and in college.

Jaccob and I watched Ichi the Killer today.
The only part out of the entire fucking masochist of a movie to get him were the nipples.
Just that.
I don't know whether to be impressed or worried.
Baked and brought him muffins for breakfast this morning. Ha, two people who never asked for one grabbed one.
Next time we'll hide the extras.

And that's it.
I just wanted to blog about the festival before Fallon.
BOOM.

Crawdaddies

Bio Lab was a good Bio Lab.
We got to man-handle some crustaceans (see title). Although I never did touch one because every time I had the chance, it was submerged in some liquid so we can see the respiration patterns. Anyway.
Andy (the submarine guy) was talking to the group and he said something about a secret:
Andy - I would tell you guys what it looked like but I would have to kill you.
Me - Go ahead and we'll battle royale it out.
Andy - That's funny.
Me - I have a lot of glassware around me. *points to beakers* I'll even take this thing *points to biuret* and stab you with it.
Andy - I'll take the base and hit you with it.
Me - I'll stick a crawdaddy in your mouth to choke you to death.
Andy - I'll just stick it down your pants so you'll have crabs.
All five of us stopped and looked at him.

Japanese class is awesome.
Last Japanese class Megan called me a "baka."
So, on the back of an index card, I wrote, "Baka na hito [バカな人]," (stupid person) with an arrow pointing to her. She never knew about it.

This Japanese class, my sensei was asking us random questions blah blah blah.
So, she was asking the class, "hanbaagaa o tabemasu ka?" (Do you eat hamburgers?)
Most of the class replied, "Iie, tabemasen." (No, I don't.)
As she shifted the picture she mumbled, "Wow, I thought Americans loved hamburgers."

And, I forgot about how I drew facial hair on all my characters:

Every time someone looked over they made a comment.
I wanted to draw Godzilla in the background, but I figured that wouldn't blow over well with my sensei. I wanted a building and everything in its mouth. Maybe have a giant moth alongside it, with sound waves breaking windows and causing "Takeshi-san's" eyes to pop. But I digress...
But you guys have to admit that Godzilla in "Mearii-san's" little bubble is sporting that curly-q.

You guys are my baka na hito.
Just so we're all clear on the thin ice we all stand on.

Boo! I Scared You

Soooooooo.
Fallon, Rebecca, Stephanie, and I went to the Waverly Hills in Louisville last night.
Close those jaws of being stunned and impressed.
The haunted house sucked. Really sucked. It caters to pre-teens who had water bottles of vodka and one-hitters that looked like cigarettes. Public Announcement: YOU'RE NOT BADASS.
End transmission.
Two things were awesome about it:
1. Frankenstein. (I thought he was fake.)
2. This giant snake head.
The best thing about Waverly was the anticipation. They hype the shit out of you. Wait, they don't, the crowds do.
So, we drove two hours there.
Waited to even see the parking lot for about half an hour, maybe more where people walked, girls hung out of cars, and annoying teens trying to pass Rebecca on a one lane road.
Waited two hours in line.
Had a fifteen minute haunted house walk through and then out of there.
THE BALL IS OUT OF THE FUCKING PARK, GUYS.

So, here's the in-between.
Before we left Bowling Green we saw a parked hot air balloon. Everyone, geez, stop being jealous.

On the way there Fallon and I amused ourselves with our smarts. As we're talking, I kept trying to move around to get comfy. Rebecca said, "Heather, what're you doing back there?"
"Oh sorry, I'm only sitting behind the tallest person in the car."
Rebecca turned to Fallon, "Fallon, that was a bitch move."
"Yes it was, since I'm taller than you," I said with a matter-of-fact tone.
Fallon gave me a face, "You're not taller than me."
Me, "Uh, yes I am, shorty." (I added that nickname in so I can seem funnier.)
"Oh, really? How tall are you?" Fallon asked with a snarky undertone.
"Five six," I said, satisfied.
"Ha! I'm five seven."
I rolled my eyes, "I don't believe you. You're always wearing fucking heels and shit."
"Well, you're only taller because of your hair," she flatly said.
The haters come to the surface.
These curly locks get me out of tickets, air fare, and the occasional assignment. And they give me my greatest super power of all: Persuasion.
If I wish hard enough, it might come true.

When we arrived we waited and waited. When we got to the parking attendants, the guy said to move forward to the lady. Rebecca asked what. He repeated himself. As she drove forward, where his finger was pointing, she asked what he had said. Stephanie and Fallon said, "Go up to the lady."
So, with all the windows down and the man in arm's reach, I screamed, "HE SAID LADY, BECKY! GO TO THE LADY!"

In line we saw the so-called casket rides. They had little cameras inside to watch the people being so fucking scared inside. One dude was talking on his cell phone.

In lines to the bathroom, a random dude, he was definitely not on payroll, was walking around, dancing with people, getting pictures, getting right in faces. He was gyrating his hips in the air and everything.
I am hoping he was on something.
More than half the crowd was.
I think it's safe to assume he was.
But his mask was awesome along with his enthusiasm.

Really didn't feel like rotating this clockwise.

That's the ticket. As we waited there, they were playing awful punk rock music. Your kind of music, Jaccob. My ears were trying to commit suicide by killing off all my hair cells. 

And then THE WAVERLY HAUNTING.

It was bland.

Inside they have you line against an obviously fake wall. We did and the guy said, "Now, the actors are not to touch you, and you are not to touch them. We have had complaints of hair pulling and such, but those are not the actors!"

Fallon laughed.

The guy looked at her but continued.

DUN DUN DUN the pictures on the wall came down and all the scared people screamed and I was trying not to have my head on that guy's arm.

We walked through shit, people screamed in our faces.

The guys in front of me were so stoned or hallucinating off acid or something. I don't know. They weren't sober or drunk. It was amusing. One fell to his knees in fright once. He honestly wasn't acting because I wanted to high five him for it.

In the last part, this dead soldier wouldn't let Fallon and I through. So I said, "Fallon, let's create a wall and walk forward." 

We did and he started to back away.

I then stepped away from Fallon and put out my arms to touch both walls and walked forward. He broke character, smiled, and then stepped aside.

We left and on the way home the GPS lead us to a cemetery. Stephanie was getting so scared. Fallon said she was going to get her. Rebecca overheard:

(I'm taking this directly from Fallon's blog:)

Becky: Don't make her scream while I'm driving, it'll be bad.
Heather: Don't you wreck and make me die a Virgin.
Me:  Ooooh she'll come back and haunt you Becky, and when you are having sex she'll scream terrible things at you.
I could so see Heather doing that.

Funny part is, it's true. I totally would. Her husband wouldn't be able to get it up for the rest of their lives.

The haunted house would be so much better if they did timelines of historical events of Waverly's history instead of already cliched scary movies.

I am genius, I know.

But, I'm sorry guys, I have to go.

It's been nice.

As nice as realizing you perioded all over your bed in the morning.

Oh, those are the mornings.

I Am The Mastermind

Today is one fucking amazing day.
Glorious.
If Mozart had the chance, he would've wrote Hallelujah for me.
But that's all I'll say.

Still owed Jaccob money. Totally paid him back at Ruby Tuesday's where he ate seven of those fucking glorious bread things that had a taste of honey and cheddar. Surprisingly nice. And where he also "swept" half of each on the fucking carpet. Poor waiter. I tipped him well.
Oh, Jaccob also lost a bet.
He was complaining about the ketchup, how it was too sweet.
I told him it was just Heinz, that it was all in his head.
He didn't believe. I went fucking proactive and asked the waiter.
I won.
Fuck you, Jaccob.

I finished his gloves which he didn't wear in the "shivering" weather.
I was going to post your picture, Jaccob, but it's too far in our text history. So, it'll be my hands again:

Aren't they cool as shit?!

First pair of "finger" gloves I've ever done. So, if they truly suck in the end, this is my apology.

He resent me the picture.

AND THEN.

THE WORLD INTENSELY WATCHED ON THE EDGE OF THEIR FUCKING SEATS WHILE BECKY FINISHED HER HAT. THEY CRINGED, THEY CRIED, THEY DAMN WELL NEAR SHIT THEMSELVES AS SHE POSED WITH THE FINISHED PRODUCT. ALL APPLAUDED AT HER SUCCESS.

It is fucking fantastic for a many-step pattern and your first hat! My darling student is about graduated. I will never let you go. Probably chain you. If you try to leave, I'll stab you with a fucking knitting needle. Those things are legit.

To even up the debt Jaccob had after Ruby's, he bought me a VENTI frapp.

With this name:

Now I owe him one. He said the only reason he bought Venti was for the guy to yell it out. (Which he didn't, boo ya.)

And this is a formal apology because I felt I didn't pay enough attention to Micheru and Megan. There were six of us and it was hard to converse. 

Official blog material, Becky.

And, while all six of us were at the table, Becky sent us something perverted.

It was a text penis with an emote hand in the middle. There was shooting cum at the end and a wink face (like it got hit in the eye) at the end.

Jaccob was giving tips how to make the hand look like it was moving up and down.

That one's a keeper.

I have to go now. Maybe I'll expand on this when I PROMISE TO POST MY BLOG DEDICATED TO THE WORD FUCK.

I have six and a half hours before I have get up and work in the morning.

Then LOUISVILLE. Very excited.

Told Marina I was going there.

She stopped all conversation and said, "Hold up, bitch. You're comin' on my turf and didn't fucking tell me?"

"Well, I wasn't going to be able to see you and I figured it would be a slap in the face... Like it is now."

"Bitch."

I miss her dearly.

Fucking Body Image

I am a strong liberator of a female's body image. I say female because age has everything to do with it. No matter if they are three months old to a century, I care what a woman thinks of her body. Right down to the slightest imperfection such as a freckle in the wrong place.

See, image is everything for a society that places so much on what catches the eye.

But that's the problem: Catching the eyes.

The media tries very hard to draw our eyes to their ads, all trying different techniques. That's right, different. Yet the same. They're all bright, shiny, blinking, yelling, snarky, and sometimes (very rarely) unique. The underlying theme here is to see that it's all a cover-up. To cover-up the real product that normally isn't good at all. It's all a show to make money, to make what they want in life - to be rich and famous.
Which, those terms can be applied loosely.

Rich and famous say false happiness and attention.

That's all they ever want under all the make-up, the growling stomachs, the quickly aging bodies that can't keep up with their appearances. It all falls apart. Like food rots, like seasons change, like the dirt loses vitamins, like Pluto isn't a fucking planet anymore. It is all dispensable, all fucking wasting away until it's forgotten under centuries of the new image females are to live by.

And who set these standards? Who placed this useless pressure on strictly women to look a certain way?

It's just like the Master asking his slave to walk around naked in his presence.

Why do women submit to this pressure? Why do we feel guilty for not resembling, excuse me, for not being one certain image for a gender that obviously has no idea how a human body works. They're the ones leading science, telling us what we should and should not eat on a grocer's shelves. You tell me why the same gender who were so innovative back in the day because women hardly had the right to co-live alongside them are so hard on us?

Let me tell you, females, STOP HATING YOURSELF. Each female is beautiful in many different ways. We are all dimensional. We are just made to feel bad for the functions of said body.
I refuse anymore to feel bad because I am not pleasing passersby.
I refuse to feel bad because a person hates how I look.
Is one person to sit there and feel depressed because a stranger who knows nothing about their past life or who they are? They know nothing of how wonderful a person you are, how you take in friends, how you high five after dorky jokes, how your hair is naturally straight, how you help anyone when they ask, how you have a loving, but smartassey husband, how you love penguins to a freakish point, how you love practically anything purple, how you love cupcakes, how you love heels and socks, how you can't cook, how you have cloaks and dresses, how you go to nerdy festivals, and how you love everyone.
I fucking hate when you don't feel good enough to have someone see your face.
People love you and those people know you.
No one with you right now is judging you on what catches their eye because you're not fake.
You are a genuine person.

This blog is dedicated to Fallon who posted this.

Harshing on Vampires

Went to Todd's last night.
His son hit me in the face with a ball on purpose.
My face was literally :O!!!
I don't know what else to say other than if I could time travel....

So, Jaccob kept playfully pushing May, Todd's toddler daughter, backwards. She was trying to kick, but Jaccob kept defense blocking. All of the sudden she yells, "HEY, MAN, WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?!"
Don't know where she learned it.

So, Jaccob and I picked up some glorious coloring sheets at Kroger today when I bought him some lunch because I was a stubborn bitch last night with Papa Johns. (That's a different story. I just look stupid. Shut up.) He decided that this little caricature of a man being Dracula was going to be harshed up for me. I decided to do that same because I'm unoriginal.

That is what happened. Took me forever to find these markers. I know I have crayons and coloring pencils somewhere but they hid from me. I got so into coloring that I accidentally colored one of his fangs. The other has a blood-tip.
And those are stains on his shirt from being a messy eater.
I also added ear hair because that'll be future Jaccob.
I also put the setting at a Single's Bar because that's where Jaccob will be down the road.
I put everyone's to shame.
And I put my vampire green because Meyer's vampire's can fucking sparkle.
Fuck you.

Jaccob and I also had a special conversation. Because he's special.
I mentioned my dress.
He asked why wasn't it on my blog.
He finally saw the lock screen on my phone and asked why it wasn't on my blog.
Then he said he never recalls laughing at my blog since all I put here is funny stuff.
I call your bluff.

I'll only give him credz for this:

I'm the blue.

When we left Kroger, I finally got to take a picture of trunks with those little arms sticking out. I tag them whenever I see them. The little things, right?

I wish that was Jaccob's hand.
Oh, sorry.
It's my evil side talking.
Who the hell am I trying to convince?
That's just me.
Fuck you guys lata.

ps - Saturday rolls ever closer.

pss - This is for Micheru:
ス‐クールさん - ミチェルさん、 うちでおちゃをのみませんか。
ミチェルちゃん - すみません、ちょとお。。。
Ha, I'm still laughing.　ス‐クールさん's face....

君は僕のｖａｎｉｌｌａ！

Yes, I'm listening to some old school Gackt. And if you know who he is without looking him up, then I'm very glad we're friends.

Drunk half a pot of coffee now, but not in an impressible amount of time.
I am going to assume if I drink enough coffee that I will eventually burn off all my taste buds. I don't know whether to be excited or worried. Downside to no taste buds is that I could never be blindfolded and taste something. Would I even be able to feel the texture? Did it really damage the nerves? Upside, I could go on shows like Fear Factor and win a small amount of money (after taxes). I think the former would be more of a problem since my friends would stick fucking animal balls on my tongue and giggle excessively to one another.
I say, if I'm not getting paid to put balls (of any species) on my tongue then it's a no-go.

So, I had this large water I took with me from work to class. After class, I poured it down the drain while Micheru and I were finding stalls. As I poured it out, I said, "Mmmm, all those oxygen and hydrogen bonds going down the drain, mmmmm."
Micheru laughed and asked, "Are you okay, Heather? Having a water-gasm over there?"

My favorite part of Autumn? When all the chloroplast dies.

The other day at knitting lessons at Barnes-and-Noble, I bought 14 FRAMABLE PRINTS of dinosaurs with all the facts and time period of their roaming on the backside. I'm excited about posting them around my room within the next week. I'm gonna have T-rex right under my skeleton so SHE can be my protector. Judge not, folks.
Also, thou shall not covet. So, take that into consideration when you want to copy me.

Princess is being a little bitch.
One minute he wants in my lap and forces himself there.
Then he wants off and scratches me in the process.
BUT DAMN HIM FOR BEING SO CUTE AND TINY.
Or maybe he just likes Guns-n-Roses.
Whatevs.

This literally made me laugh for the next five minutes.

Spread the news everyone.

I have nothing else.

Next weekend will be big hopefully. I am looking forward to it.

Tomorrow is The Voice with two trolls.

Wish me luck answering their riddles to cross the bridge.

I have one.

Wait, I lied.

Digital Digital Get Down

This blog features mostly internet/text-related material. Reader Discretion is Advised.

So, Scotty did a group text with me, Jaccob, Alan, and some number I'm assuming is a girl named Christina. The group text included a picture of some tape dispenser shaped like an orange man on a toilet, looking happy as shit, ha.
I replied within the group text:
Me - I look that happy on the toilet.
Jaccob - Shut up, no one cares.
Me - Don't be jealous of my fiber content.
Alan - Lol, you and Jake both did [text in the group MMS]. Scotty sends me a mms and then I get one from Jake and 2 from you all while trying to bring up the picture.
Jaccob - Took you long enough. How long did it take you to think of that?
Scotty - I missed something, a picture maybe? Oh nvm I get it now. Yes, Jake you did.
Me - .3 miles. You're just jealous.
Random # - Who's this?

The first post-it (to the left) was left randomly in my desk by none other than Todd. I posted it on my little board. The next day, he added to the theme with another post-it in my desk.

I decided that he's my sponsor for eating my own dried mucus. 

A woman from work, Bernie, stuck this to my arm with a wink. I kept it in a better place. Right near my heart.

This was in our fucking workbook for Japanese class. I said that the guy running up to the girl was yelling, "PLEASE, YOU HAVE MY FAVORITE PEN!"

So, Becky, Alex, Fallon, and I were talking about how I had a place Fallon could crash if she wanted in town.

She said, "No thanks."

I said, "The bed is small, but I'd kick him out."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

Alex asked, "Just lay with him."

"That would be awkward - I'd have to be on top of him."

Becky chimed, "Well, first step to losing your virginity..."

Knitting lessons today went well. Can't post the pic of Becky without her permission and her choice of pic, but she's nearly done with her first hat! I am so excited I am nearly peeing on myself. Who am I kidding? I am leaking all over myself. Only from excitement - loss of bladder control is down the road a few years.

After school, I met up with Fallon with Micheru.

I was telling them about this hot fucking piece of ass who's a Spanish teacher. I told them how I fight the incoming crowd of the dismissed students just so I can look at him for a moment or two while he's gathering his things. I want to do things to this man.

And this guy behind us chimes in with, "Girls, girls, girls, I know you're talking about me, but damn. Control yourselves."

We laughed.

Then he said, "I wish," and walked away.

I like that guy.

The title had me think of the actual song by N*Sync. You know, by the time that song was released (2000) that was all coming around. It blew everyone's fucking mind.

Hilarious that they had to deliver the message of how fucking mind blowing it was with lyrics like....

"Digital digital get down just you and me

(You may be) Twenty thousand miles away but I can see ya
And baby baby you can see me"