Summer Reading

 A/N:
- This is an exact replica of Fallon's Post.
- They are in order in which I read them.

1. Gates of Fire by Steven Pressfield - 400

This book was given to me by a friend names Jaccob. For my review, hm, it's manly as manly can be. How else could I describe a detailed history of Spartan warfare? The only thing it truly didn't disclose, via Fallon's brain, is that the commanders had sex with the boys. Honestly, how could that be intertwined with pissing on shields, dying boys, and girls who aged severely as she was separated? I did like it, it's just that historical fiction isn't my thing. I once read The Jungle by Upton Sinclair... The only thing the book has done for me has been making me look really smart whenever a history teacher asks if someone has read it. Don't get me wrong, the twelve pages of actual information were good. The rest was like a long-ass essay about the living conditions of the immigrants. I sound heartless.

2. Sacre Bleu by Christopher Moore - 403

This book had a slow, slow start. A reader would mostly be lost within all the characters who were more energetic than I could be in 19th century France. But what swayed me over with this book is the research. This book is set within the impressionist period and it is miraculous. He made the research just wonderful prose. The book was just less Christopher Moore than I expected. Of course, I was a huge fan of his earlier works and I love the fact his books are aging with him as well. It was very creative and wonderful. I remember reading A Dirty Job and closing that book with a smile. Of course, his infamous endings were nothing to smile at, but just the thought of a book about something so cliched and then he put it to the test and won. Does that make sense? Sometimes I wonder if I should stop.



3. The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath - 288

In all my years of writing I have been compared to a couple of writers that I remember: lois Lowry and Molly Harper (I was angry with this comparison). And, never, ever have I been compared to this wonderful woman. Well, I guess there's no room for comparison with her. The writing is exactly what I wanted to translate in the days I wrote poetry while having an affair with fiction. I noticed in my later years that without poetry I write less like this and I don't know if I found my style and am so swamped with envy that I forget about poetry all together. To sum it up: This book is amazing and if you like to think while you read with one-liners that are simple yet complicated, it's pretty conclusive you should read this one. Plus, trying to highlight all the little, discreet moments were the protagonist goes crazy is a fun game.

4. Anthem by Ayn Rand - 100

I had my eye on Ayn Rand for awhile. I thought she was a wonderful mind by all the talk I've read. Kyle even agreed and recommended this along with The Fountainhead. I read this one first despite his recommendation. I loved it. It was short, too short. I know it is seeded in The Fountainhead, but the whole ego theme Ms. Rand had going on was simply amazing. The collectivism she tried to convey was what I once feared in adolescence, funny to think about. It took me quite a few pages to realized what 'we' really meant. I don't know what else to say about this without giving too much away. Read it. I wish I could say more and that I loved when he found that one word, the pronoun. Bah.




5. The Physick Book of Deliverance Dane by Katherine Howe - 384

I had a lengthy review here.

I read up on the author just before finishing. She did study literature in college, so that atones for the amazing flow of the story. The plot was very well thought out - everything tied together, even to the smallest child yelling something as the protagonist walked through the town. She did so well that I am now jealous.

The research was amazing for the book. I give her credz for the amount of work she had put into this and still managed to not write it like an essay for lack of energy left OR make the history sound so boring that you think this is an assigned book for class.

6. Tiger by Laurann Dohner - 291

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
There's probably nothing to say about my mental dignity.
I discovered Laurann Dohner sometime last summer while going through some ebook sight. I thought alien and human pairings would be hilarious (and they were), but I haven't been able to stop reading her. She was literally in my reading list. I've read at least ten books of her since then and I feel so ashamed and happy. She is a writer, but it gets redundant (and I do too trying to describe her to my friends). She drops emotions like a dime. But I think she taps into that raw wanting women want from men. I think that's what I got into her. She does good fantasy writing. Mental fantasy, not the genre. Because mental fantasy is just saying, "It doesn't have to make sense to make a woman happy."

7. Ral's Woman by Laurann Dohner - 103

I did only buy this one since it was free on amazon. I didn't like the woman character too much. She was so whiny and it felt like she couldn't properly express herself without acting like a hoe-bag or a child. That's the majority of Mrs Dohner's books though -- whiny women characters who can't get their pants on for more than a page to think properly through the situation they're in. I know it's a mental fantasy, but damn, there has to be more sense built in to one woman than what this books radiates. If all women thought like this, there wouldn't have been a movement toward something better. About the plot... Boring, but I think it was the first one of he Zorn Warrior Series so there's much to say there.


8. The Vampire Armand by Anne Rice - 457

This book was just fucking wonderful. Now, mind you, I don't know if she gets paid by word or page count because there were chapters that could have literally been ripped from the book and it wouldn't have made a bit of difference. One chapter was literally about profiling all the past vampires from all the other books. A fucking catalogue about vampires I never gave a shit about anyway. Queen of the Damned sucked, people, fucking sucked. Anyway. The one reason I love Anne Rice is because of the way she expresses time in prose. The prose is mature and ambiguous (to me). I love the flow, the descriptions, the emotions felt in the writing. She's a miraculous woman and whenever I read her I cannot gather myself to write one word. She makes me that jealous.I wish I could meet her. I probably wouldn't be able to utter a word.

9. Shotgun Gravy by Chuck Wendig - 109

Todd introduced me to this book on the basis I resembled the main character because my lack of physical contact in the human world. Which is fine. And her smart mouth properly. The girl can't help it. However, it was good. It was written by a man who spews out more drama than reality TV, but it was good. I liked all his characters and that's hard to come by for me. I also like some of his crude imagery for a story that was crude and filled with dark humor (my favorite color of comedy). I would actually like the other installments. And, believe it or not, the dialogue is believable. Ooh, yeah, his action scenes aren't that bad. They actually make sense, but sometimes he wants a mean character, then has them have feelings again at the last minute - that technique never works for me. Despite the drama in every sentence and the guns in everyone's face, pay the 99 cents.

10. Burning Up Flint by Laurann Dohner - 194

I believe this is the first installment to the many great-ideas-but-not-properly-executed books. Let me tell you why they're great ideas first: Altered humans with cyborg parts. Reminded me of Cyborg from Teen Titans. great idea. Sexy idea. Men were smart but she made them where they didn't talk much and usually could shut the bitch up quickly. I read Touching Ice before any of the others here and below. It was marvelous. She could have added much more, but it had more feeling than the 'I'm gonna fuck you because I've been horny for months.' Bad: 1. The technical names were awful. 2. She said there were domes on Saturn. Wtfh, bitch, do research. Saturn is a planet of gas, which makes smog, which no human life would be sustainable. Should've said mars. Watch Stephen Hawking programs.


11. Melting Iron by Laurann Dohner - 204

This is actually under Touching Ice. I loved the feeling of it and she had better imagery than what I have ever read of her. She used more than 'Came hards.' It was refreshing. Now, Iron, in other books, was a dick and she purposely made him like that, I guess, but she always pulls back to his core character in other books than this one. She has these characters in other books, but when they have one of their own, the character turns to the same man from every single one of her other books. I am so tired of reading, "You are mine." Literally. Always said in every one of her books. It would've been fine if she then didn't make the main girl so fucking annoying you wish the cyborgs wouldn't ripped off her head. Literally. She was fine then she goes batshit. I was tired of this book 100 pages in.


12. The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty by Anne Rice - 272

I got this because a woman I was working mentioned this after discussing 50 Shades of Grey (never fear, I will never read it). I bought all three but now I don't think I can finish them. I know I've already said this, but I feel as if I have to repeat it. It's so plainly humiliating. I don't know how Anne Rice thinks of any of this. She seems to get darker within each of her books through the years. This was frighteningly scary. I wonder if she did research of experienced some of this herself. There's so much spanking going on that I can't properly read from all the flashbacks to childhood. Then it's disgusting to read in the mindset of a spiteful child. Ha. It was a spin on a fairytale, like Once Upon a Time. However, I would rather watch something like this than to be submitted to watching one more minute of Once. 



13. Stealing Coal by Laurann Dohner - 222

This one came right after the Melting Iron in the Cyborg series. See, she makes Coal's appearance in Melting Iron. I was like, "That could be a good one."

Man, I just call 'em out wrong all the time.

It was awful. She focused too much on her both emotionally abused characters to really let them get to know each other. It's sad. The dialogue in this book is extremely awful and unrealistic that I just ended up scanning most of it. It was paragraphs of one character talking about their past. So. Fucking. Annoying. No one talks like that. Do not get me started on the "That was easy" button pressed in every chapter. Oh, she also takes her evil character back five notches in this one.

14. The House of Tomorrow by Peter Bognanni - 354

FUCKING FANTASTIC. The author knows how great it was, but seriously, everyone buy a copy. You guys can read a synopsis but this the epitome of good contemporary work. His description, prose, characters, realism, fantasies, ideas, and the morphing of Buckminster's ideas and the chapters were impeccable. I continue to think of this books days after I read it and still think of scenes that had interlocked to the ending. The one true thing I did not like about this book was the sister, fuck, forgot her name already. She was annoying. I don't know if Bognanni only knows girls like that, he liked one long ago as selfish and slutty. I just couldn't stand her. I was hoping some freak radiation accident would've happened at the dome and she would've melted or something. No such luck. I don't know what else to say that hasn't been said. I wish it could be made into a movie so I could see the Dome as its finish product.

15. Slade by Laurann Dohner - 324

I had an entire review for this planned but now I can't remember half of it. Oh well, here I go on the fly... This was actually okay aside from her lack of knowledge of hillbillies, I think. It's kind of insulting when some authors just assume that the raciest nuts are southerners. Which, they have a basis, yes, but over and over and over again do I hear about only people with southern drawls are going after half beast, half man. And that's what was following Trish and Slade after wrecking their vehicle. It wouldn't have been so bad if she hadn't of purposely made them stupid in some parts - oh well. What I liked about this is there are only about four sex scenes and only half of them made sense. If I was a girl, I wouldn't have sex in the woods, after a car wreck, while inbred people are after us. Hey, I just may be the needle in the haystack. Actually an okay book.

16. Female Chauvinist Pigs: Women and the Rise of Raunch Culture by Ariel Levy - 212

I will leave a moment for the reader to give their eye roll.... .... .... All better? I bought this book because, well, I fucking wanted to read it and I did. I loved the examples she uses, as constant themes, Playboy, CAKE, ex-porn stars/strippers, and, in general, pop culture. I had to agree with Ariel Levy that pop culture is the main markerting structure to young women who never experienced the introduction to the sexual market, instead the girls were born into it - this is the only thing they knew. I feel bad for young girls today, having to constantly feel in competition with other girls - that sexiness is the only power we hold. Levy brought up a great example that we put sexiness on this pedestal. We do not know the porn stars, we do not know if they even have thoughts. All the could be are robots. We romanticized this image and we want to feel that image, the want and desire from other people. But those women, who were more than likely sexually abused in their past, are paid. They are paid and remain poor for most of their lives. They do it so they don't starve, or feel their only other quality is attractiveness on screen.

17. Women by Charles Bukowski - 304

I really like this man, simply because he's so easy to read. I think readers and writers often times mistake simple as mundane. I believe when anyone, whether age or maturity can understand a book together, that's the main point of writing it. I like Charles Bukowski because a farmer can pick him up off a shelf and understand the theme, the plot, there's no guessing. I liked women because, although the protagonist uses them, the women are very strong themselves. The only thing I did not like about the book was the early pimple-popping. I had to stop reading for awhile. Now, what I also liked was the fact that although Henry Chinaski was the text-definition of protagonist, he was the antagonist to the women. In the book he knew he was shit and it wasn't until he found good ones did he care or want to give a hint of change. It's good if you want something light to read and want to be able to relate to the male side of things - which was interesting to read. You don't get that much, however, women have their point of view on sex for an entire genre called "Romance."

18. Redeeming Zorus by Laurann Dohner - 169

I have been redundant in my reviews for Dohner's books, and I apologize, but damn, this is like reading some cheap, cliched love story. She could've done well with this. Instead she took a hateful character and made him a puppy in half a page. There are no complexeties to these characters, there's hardly back story, or emotions. It was like reading something by a teenager. Everyone is just attracted to everyone and don't mind having sex because some woman took off her shirt. She even didn't make the transition of his new personality that difficult. Zorus was literally like, "Okay, I'm nice to humans now because you're unique and you're tighter than my women." I really want a sit-down with this author. Hot damn, this book sucked. I was really looking forward to it, too. It didn't even tell of the happenings with Coal from the previous book, and it even fucking mentioned it in Coal's book! I think she was made to write this, because it had nothing else going for it. Nothing happened and the girl's always get so fucking annoying. Stay away from this.

19. Taunting Krell by Laurann Dohner - 238

I'm going to admit this almost beats the Touching Ice. She actually made a story with the main girl other than being kidnapped. Well, she kind of was, but she wanted to be, I don't know -- you'd have to know the backstory. And the backstory she gave the protagonist was amazing. She stepped it up, but that's all. She made a really great scene between Krell and Cyan in the beginning, when she was forced to stay at his place, but after that, down hill. It felt like she was forcing it again, making some human girl with D-breasts fall for the guy in charge. I admit that this was actually very well done. She connected detailed, she made an awesome story, and she had a more mature feel, until the ending. She seems to always hit the romanic side of 14-year-olds everywhere. I wish I could collect her readers and make a census on age. All the older women would love the story line, all the younger ones would like sex and the stupid fucking endings. How about some blood shed? About the two get dismembered in a fight and the only way to save them would have to combine their body parts? I'd read that. Ha, it'll be full of masturbation for love scenes.

20. Kissing Steel by Laurann Dohner - 184

This book finishes my mission to finish the Cyborg Seduction. Ha! I don't know if I should actually mark that as an accomplishment. Anyway. One could tell that this was definitely an earlier work. There wasn't much happening besides jealously and waves of orgasms. I couldn't really get into it since the guy on the front cover resembles Fabio so much. Not that that's a bad thing, but it does remind me of all those jokes and corny romances I was introduced to as a young teen. Oh my, maybe I just found my root. Ha, this book was so lack-luster that I'm rambling about my psychosis with romance novels. I just wish she had a mentor or something to guide her writing. I feel that, in the later series, she wants to branch out more of the same story line of a burly man wanting a small, defenseless woman to have countless sex with. However, if she had someone, I'm willing to bet she could branch out to young adult romance - but without the guys being hung like a horse.

21. Fury by Laurann Dohner - 376

Okay, so, I had to repeat to myself that this was the first book of the New Species. First book. First book. First book. So you have the typical hot, small human girl who falls in love with a burly man who just can't seem to control his erections or his protective instincts. Great, that's just required for all her books. BUT, here's the fun part, everyone hates them. Yay! I mean, I've never read a book that had so much useless drama and countless scenes where Fury had to get furious. (Everyone catch what I did there?) I mean, if some blonde hair chick caused me that much drama I'd seriously kick her ass to those hick protestors. I think this book did me in to reading more. You know kicked my habit. I was so disappointed. I was going to immediately buy Justice because I REALLY loved his character. But, amazon had some critics like me and they said STAY THE FUCK AWAY, so I'm forcing myself to unless it becomes free. I'm not paying money to read more of this shit. Next book I'll read will be something substantial.

22. Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams - 216

 Holy shit, I loved this book. It was recommended by Jaccob and I am very thankful I finally decided to read it. See, in high school everyone was batshit about this book and, on principal, I refused to read it or watch the movie. Of course, the idea of sci-fi made my external hard drive fry, but yeah. It was so funny. Nonsensical funniness that had me put down my book to laugh. There were two sentences in the book that had me bust out twice at mere thought of reading it. I will quote now, "One of Zaphod's heads looked away. The other one looked round to see what the first one was looking at, but it wasn't looking at anything very much." Now, to get down to business, the sheer creativity had me. Even his writing style was quirky. I have to say Marvin is my favorite - he reminds me of me so much. For those who haven't read it, I demand you do so. 


23. Raine on me by Laurann Dohner - 214

Oh God, another Laurann Dohner book. I swear I need to stop. I tell myself that with the ending of each book and it never, ever fucking happens. This book was as if her mentality was stuck at 15-years-old. Seriously. As if a 40-year-old woman never learned that adults don't use contracts for sex or that adults will actually talk it out if their mentality is of their age. Now, this books is about some bitch's husband that died and left her a shitton of cash. She goes to some hick town, feels sorry for her dusty vagina, and offers some semi-Native American 20,000 grand to save his ranch IF he exchanges the ultimate sex on her. OMG GAIS, he agrees. For two months, five days a week, or six, don't care, he agrees to rock her vagina. Oh no though, they fall in lusty love without knowing if he's ultimately a serial killer of old, middle-aged blondes, but likes to sex them first. No, they fall in love over penetration and shit happens that only 15-year-olds would not talk about and use the power of ass-u-m-ption to ruin  love. 

24. The Restaurant at the End of The Universe by Douglas Adams - 255

This, if I had to choose, I think is funnier than its predecessor. A lot of shit went down too, compared to the first. He went all out to give Zaphod much needed word count, and even gave Ford and Arthur a test of their friendship. Now, what I didn't like were the last thirty or so pages. Didn't seem like they fit - they were just rushed and bah, didn't like them. However, the actual restaurant part of the book was amazing. I loved his ideas for it and I loved his whole theme to it. Ack, makes me jealous of his ideas and sheer creativity for all things outer spacey. Even within the book he focused more on the Zaphod having two heads deal and it made me a happy little girl. Uh, excuse me, young woman. Trillian did not have many words dedicated to her, and neither did Arthur for the overall analysis. However, a lot more places and landmarks were used in this book to make up for the lack of Homo sapiens running around and talking.

Total Page Count: 6159

Biology

Today, while bathing, I finally realized how I didn't want to devote my life to French. I have been studying, well, not full-heartedly, but I have been on edge about it, looking and shifting through my notes. I have been watching movies and listening to French radio. I compiled all this in my head while massaging conditioner in my hair. Then I stopped and realized, "I don't give a shit about the French."

The more I listen, the more I learn, the more I watch their culture I cannot enjoy it like I did with Japanese. Now, if I ever had the chance to take Japanese classes or go to Japan, shit yeah. But France? I just can't. I cannot fulfill my life with the romance surrounding their country: wine, accents, dress, and lights.

So, I then thought about biology and how I studied my ass off for the 113 course although I didn't have to. I studied and studied and studied. I even wrote a paper about evolution for my English 300 class ("Evolution of Man: Australopithicus to Homo sapiens"). Even now I still think of what I learned while writing and realize that I don't want to give up that just because I'm ALWAYS bad with numbers. Studying next semester will make me a hermit.

I want to study ecology. That's my main goal. I know I'll hate the outside, but learning from it, I guess, is what makes the difference.

And, the only time I'll get to read, it looks like, is when I am on breaks. Oh bother...

My cat will not stop fucking meowing. He's never fucking happy being in my lap, or on the floor, or in a room. Damn him!

I'm not going to give anymore information since I want to finish The House of Tomorrow. The book is really fucking good and makes me want to read books by Buckminster Fuller.

Yup, that's all I got... Nothing but hot air.

Headstrong Peace

Yesterday I went to see Brave. Now, we all know how awfully awful I am at giving an open-minded critique, giving all the excuses in the book to turn the movie around and give it more of an understanding nod than something I went blank in toward the end.

SORT OF SPOILERS -- NO ENDING TOLD.

The first half of the movie was fantastic. Really. The part right before the pastry. Up until the pastry and its latter happenings I was enthralled and excited. Let me tell you why I was so excited to see this: I saw a preview for it, with all its NO plot points to be given and scenes that were so open-ended that one couldn't even begin a plot point. Well, the one I watched gave me the impression that Merida was going to wish her life differently and be trapped in that forest until she figured out that she loved family, or another Disney-related tale. BUT, I was very wrong.

I did not really like the twist and I know it was a child's movie, I get that, but, damn, I did not like it. Just seemed to me like Brother Bear but with girls. Even the commercials, the one replayed at Target, wasn't in the movie - no cool-as-shit scenes with her braving the fight. I wish I could like it more. I just wanted to warn in case the mass thought the movie was my version and you will be disappointed.

And they put so much emphasis on the archery which really wasn't used to her potential and that disappointed me a lot. A lot. A lot.

HOWEVER, the graphics were amazing - all the hair in the movie (excluding Merida) was exquisite. So detailed and fine. I loved it.

AND, the jokes were really, really good. A lot of adult humor.

IN OTHER NEWS, a little more about yesterday:

I went to work and had to withstand a mantra of children's cries. They were just gaining sound to become almost deafening. Just like the Max Payne games on the PS2 where the baby is crying so loudly you probably had to turn down the television. I went home in the 90-degree weather. I have no air-conditioning in the car, so I was hot coming home. I had promised my sister this day and she was excited to eat dinner and see a movie. So, she was all ready when I got home all red-faced and sweaty. I got ready, sat on the couch a bit under a fan and then headed out, once more, in the midday heat. We went to the mall with busy, pushy people to look for a purse. It was hot in there too and the people just don't know how to fucking look before the turn around so they don't bump into you. Ack.

Then the small pounding in my head started.

I bought a purse that was finally cross-body. Of course, Fossil had one that was the epitome of what I want, but it was 80 bucks with the sale and the new me cannot afford to splurge like that anymore. Poor old me, quite literally.

We went out to eat. It was good, aside from the jock server who hardly showed up.

Then the movies. Here's the story:

My sister hates sitting beside people, well, kids. Kids usually hone in on her for some reason or another and she attracts them like a magnet. So, we chose the four seats to themselves. The one I had was probably the only broken seat in the theater. It reclined without being forced to. My sister asked if I wanted to move but I began to form this headache and the reclining worked for it UNTIL.... A mom, dad, and two sons decided to sit behind us. Of course the leggy mother wanted to sit behind my seat, and the dad at the end which is a poor choice since both boys had a big gulp. They had to use the bathroom twice, which I had to sit up in my seat and one grabbed my chair and pulled me backwards. Sounds funny but I was aggravated. Twice this happened, so that means four times in all of them coming and going. Then, in the last five minutes of the movie, my alarm clock for my birch control goes off and I hear the mom groan behind me. I was literally a snap away from saying, "I have an a alarm to control what comes out of my vagina so I don't have heathens."

I honestly forgot about it. That's why I set it, ha.

When Amanda and I left, however, Fallon was there and it was a nice surprise :)

But when my sister and I went to Stakz the headache was taking me over. Even light was getting harder to adjust to. By the time I reached home I was nauseous from the migraine. It was like a laser beam was disintegrating my brain with its little bee-buzzing sound. Ack. Took two excedrin. Helped for a couple of hours then it started to come back. I immediately went to sleep.

Amanda - And it was stiff-ling in there. Stiff-ling.

Me - Wait, do you mean, stifling?

Amanda - *blank look* What?

Me - That's not how you pronounce that?

Amanda - Geez, my entire life and no one has corrected me... My entire life.

Update on the reading list!

10. Burning Up Flint - Laurann Dohner

11. Melting Iron - Laurann Dohner

12. The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty - Anne Rice

13. Stealing Coal - Laurann Dohner

So, yeah, I am going to take a break on the erotica novels. Although, I don't know if I can make it through the last two books of the Sleeping Beauty Trilogy by Anne Rice. I was reading it and getting humiliated. See, modesty isn't dead... Just very unattractive.

I am now on The House of Tomorrow by Peter Bognanani. Very promising so far, if I liked music it features.

High-five!

I've been doing nothing lately but writing and trying to tear myself away from the thickening plot to hang out with friends and more friends. And work. Yes, work. But, it isn't really work if you love it, right? Good thing that doesn't apply to my job.

Anyway.
I feel bad for Fallon because she has to stay in town from 7AM to 10/11PM at night. Stupid husband's car. That's my ode to you, dear friend, I am sorry. Wish I lived in town to make this easier on you.

Todd walks by me at work and looks at my wrist then says, "Oh, you don't have a watch."
We walk alongside one another for a few more steps until I blurt out, "What, do you think I'm a time lord or something?"
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Marina texted me in French today. She doesn't know it, but used a translator. I tried to reply as well as I could without one (except for a couple of complex sentences). I did really well. The whole texting bit was an ease on the o' nerves about majoring in the language.
I would put up the screenshots, but I'm afraid the boring context would drive you all insane more than this blog entry is.

I have a joke.
What did the blogger say to the reader?
I don't know, what?
Nothing, they type it, dumbass.

Bow Ties Are Cool

So, I have finally had enough of facebook's idiocracy, well, I guess it's better to say humanity's idiocracy. I have permanenlty deleted it. Ah, feels so nice. Like Jacob Marley was finally released of his shame and torment.

Anyway. I, in my never-ending nostalgia and sentimentality, saved all the posts I would like to remember. You know me. Below are them and yeah, that's how I'll end it:


January 7, 2012
Amanda *to me* - what did you get on your personality test?
Mom - a bitch.

Hahahaha

Febuary 13, 2012
Mom - Oh my God! Heather! Your sister doesn't know what "Once Bitten, Twice Shy" is!
Me - What, seriously, Amanda? *goes to computer to play it*
Mom - I blame this on you, Heather! You're an awful older sister.
Me - Hey, that's by Def Leppard, right?
Mom - *pause* Oh my God!

December 22, 2011
Randy is an older cousin of mine who just is sexist.
Randy - Heather, you're getting to the age where selection is limited. When you hit your thirties you're not going to have anyone.
Me - What? I'm only 22! Besides I don't need a man to make me complete.
Randy - Well, you can believe what you want: Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny or Snow White.
I walked away.

November 22, 2011
This guy was on his phone and was telling this girl, "you're fucking stupid, you're crazy! Shut the fuck up. You're fucking crazy! Are you coming to get me or not?"
Hahahahaha.

November 15, 2011
Marina - Yeah, and she said we could stay at her beach house in Cali.
Me - That would be awesome but we would have to go during the spring because in the summer I would have to wear SPF 75.
Marina - Ha, I would be as dark as this *points to soy sauce.* Then they would be like, "Where's your friend?"
Me - Haha, then I would say, "Turn on the light."

November 12, 2011
Amanda - Man my hand is cramping from mixing that cake.
Me - Man, it must be so hard to hold a mixer which mixes it all for you.
Amanda - And in a figure eight!

November 7, 2011
Amanda - how do you spell 'latte'?
Mom - l-a-t-t-e.
Amanda - what accent goes over the e?
Mom - a forward slash.

November 1, 2011
Me - Mom, what's your blood type?
Mom - I don't know.
Me - Seriously! Dad, do you know yours?
Dad - *in a dark deep voice* I have the blood type A to Z -- the rarest of them all.

October 19, 2011
(This is funny given the situation. Men are fucking stupid -- there's the situation.)
I am on a manhunt. They better paint their doorways with the blood of a lamb.

October 12, 2011
(via my sister:)
Me: Why don't you just go out on a date?

Heather Ichi Borders: I DON'T DATE! I hang out intimately.

Me: ...

October 12, 2011
Amanda - *Just opens the microwave* Who did this!
Me - Hahahaha, I did.
Amanda - What happened!
Me - My spaghetti exploded this morning.
Amanda - Weren't you in the room?
Me - Yes, I was watching it.
Amanda - Why didn't you take it out?
Me - It wasn't finished.

September 29, 2011
I have to be verbally tutored in French. Haha. I sound a child who just learned its voice.

September 17, 2011
Mom - every time I see that book 'Fated' I think it says 'Fat-ed.'
Me - Haha, Then I gained 50lbs!
Mom - But I wasn't fat enough!
Me - I was on the road of weight gain!

September 10, 2011
On my French homework: "Elles sont en retard (late)."
I like how he HAD to put that it was late. Hahaha.

August 27, 2011
Mom was clipping coupons when she smarted off to me. My reply: "Mom! Better be quiet before I huff and puff and blow all your coupons around the living room!"

August 21, 2011
If my sister is caring armfuls of stuff, I like to run ahead to her room, lock the door and close it. Ha, Amanda Borders, ha.

August 11, 2011
Mom told me to put what I needed on a shopping list.
It reads, "Onions, tomatoes, salvia, peppers, potatoes, battery acid, sudafed, cat litter (absorbing crystals) and drano."

July 26, 2011
Someone should organize a fundraiser so I can go to Las Vegas. All proceeds go directly to Heather Ichi Borders and the Heather Ichi Borders Fund for Fun.

June 30, 2011
(This is actually from a story I wrote - I had to search my mind for that one.)
Walking up to the corner, he pressed the button to walk across the street and she stopped behind him, whispering, "I was just mugged."
He laughed.
The woman, with her wild hair and purse clutched to her saggy chest. "You don't believe me?"
Victor took a very long, deep breath before replying, "No, you still have your purse."
Ha.

June 24, 2011
Dad - Man, I'm bloated. Shouldn't have ate all that ice cream.
Me - Should have taken that Lactaid.
Dad - It's all in my Gastric Bypass.
Amanda Borders - Dad, that's a surgery.

June 13, 2011
Me and Sister - *laughing, talking, laughing*
Mom - Heather, *points to old dog bed* Dirty trashbag.
Me - Okay, gotcha, dirty trashbag.
*pause*
Me - Wait, what?

May 30, 2011
Me - Mom, is there a history of schizophrenia?
Mom - No, but isn't that where you have different personalities?
Me - There are different types of schizophrenia.
Mom - Well, be a maid, or a cook. Turn into something useful for me.

May 24, 2011
AND my wine turned my teeth blue. My sister said, "You know what you should do? Just keep brushing, that's what you should do."

May 3, 2011
So I forgot to close the lid on my gas tank. Didn't realize until I was driving down the interstate. Then as I'm debating to pull over to close it, the wind smacked my car and closed it for me. Awesome.

April 17, 2011
I was listening to Hell's Bells and stopped in a right turn lane. All of the sudden I hear a woman scream, "HELL'S BELLS!" And I immediately look up. No one. As I'm pulling up to turn my right I see this middle-aged chubby woman with sunglasses staring at me. She opened her mouth to smile.
Very creepy.

March 6, 2011
My mom nearly tripped in the kitchen. I laughed, saying, "Have a nice trip?"
My mom stopped and looked at me, laughing herself. "What? I've never heard that before!"
Guys, she was serious.

March 3, 2011
I honestly wanted to unleash my girly powers when the ewoks came on screen.

Febuary 24, 2011
Mom - what's a cafe aller? (I thought she said)
Amanda - coffee--
Me - coffee to go?
Amanda - no. Coffee and milk. Cafe a lait.

Febuary 15, 2011
I heard this in class:
One - her head is so small to her body. Every time I look at her --
Two - like where is your balance motherfucker. Haha she looks like an upside-down spinning top.

Febuary 8, 2011
Tried to open my beer with a potato peeler. Why? Because my keychain bottle opener broke. Anyway, tried several times with many misses on my hand then realized the corkscrew had a bottle opener on it. Crazy world.
Also editing papers. I rule.

January 31, 2011
Marina - you're going to be such a badass in japan.
Me - I know. And im considered nice here.
Marina - theyre rude there, too. Serious. Especially when you get your nails done.

January 12, 2011
(from another story of mine.)
Mickey swallowed, a huge lump sliding down his thin throat. “I’m fine. Tonight is the last night.”
“What?” The group asked together.
“Yes, after tonight, it’ll be over and we’ll be home.”
“Are you sure?” Donald asked.
Goofy wagged his tail, “Yeah, gawsh, I can’t imagine being home, with Pluto again.”
Everyone shifted uncomfortably. They all thought the same thing and all got nauseous thinking about it.

I Love That Movie

I just finished watching god bless america with my sister. We tried to get dad to watch it, but he didn't seem interested. Anyway.
Best fucking movie of the year.
I don't want to talk about it because it's contradicting the movie's existence, but it was soothing. It was like putting my small fires out about today's culture - because we don't really have one aside from loud-mouthed, mean, dumbass people who get paid to act like animals.

I went to put up my equipment at the fitting room the other day.
A mother came out, holding her son's hand, who looked about 1, maybe 1.5.
She smiled at the father who was busy with a newborn, "Guess who was crawling under the stalls? Good thing it was mommy in there."
The Dad actually looks surprised and a bit aggravated, "Boy," he said while patting the newborn's back, "that's a misdemeanor."
High-five to that Dad.

New books to add to my list:
7. Ral's Woman - Laurann Dohner
8. The Vampire Armand - Anne Rice
(I e-mailed Kyle this, but the line needs to be shared with the world: So, I'm reading The Vampire Armand, and this dude who's drunk looks at Armand and tries to get him to have sex with him. This is what he says, "I'm too soft to make my sculpture. Let me drink it from you. Have mercy on the parched.")
9. Shotgun Gravy - Chuck Wendig

Cooking and cleaning more for Father's Day tomorrow. I dusted all the furniture with wood oil. It smells like a slice of Heaven.
I ate a burger today. Acne tomorrow.
I'm nearly 23-years-old, I shouldn't be having these problems.
So, I'm talking about acne, time to close up shop.

BALLROOM BLITZ.

Nonverbal Signals

My sister had been switching channels this morning and she came across this show I made her stop at. It was called "Today's Family" or something. Anyway, they had this parenting guru on to help this British couple find solid ground when it came to disciplining their triplets. One of the ways was to have nonverbal signals whenever the parents disagreed so they could go to different rooms and have it out without the kids feeling guilty for ruining their marriage.

So, I walked into the kitchen, telling my mom, "I think it would be funny if you and dad had nonverbal signals even at me and Amanda's age." I frantically tugged at both ears, showing her what I meant.
My mom laughed, "This one would be mine," she was starting to do the international sign for help.
I disregarded that and said the international flip off signal with my arm in the crease of my bent one. "This is mine!"
My sister was laughing, coming into the kitchen doorway, "HA! Mine would be punching him in the face."
I did the motion, and Amanda went, "We need to have a talk!" And punched the air in one swipe.

Gave the cat a bath because he was being a little bitch about everything.
"MEOW MEOW MEOW I NEEDS IN YO ROOMS."
He gets in.
"MEOW MEOW MEOW I needs attentions."
He gets in my lap.
"MEOW MEOW MEOW..." He went quiet.
Turn around and he was flossing his little teeth on my box spring.
This happened four or five times within an hour and a half.
So, I gave him a bath. Well, he had hid from us and I found him under the couch. I couldn't get him out without hurting him so my mom got the feather duster and pushed it through. I hadn't even heard her so it scared me, along with the cat. I was in shock so I didn't even catch him as he went out. Fun times. I caught the lamp as I got scared.
Perhaps it was funny from my point of view of lying on the floor, trying to coax him out. He acted like he wanted to trust me, but wasn't sure.
OH IT HURTS SO GOOD.

My sister is claiming that she remembered a year ago that she heard a cork pop out after I said wine could freeze and the cork pops out.
I told her I didn't allow idiots to be in my room.
She's now explaining her reasoning.
I'm reading this aloud as I type it for her.
She's saying, "Like an idiot."
She wants to be as cool as me, but it's not going to happen.
She's still trying while I am still reading aloud.
Ha, she came running at me and said, "Heather, we need to talk!" Punching the air.

Brawny

People say the French are pansies. So what if they have no bragging rights on the field? I know with war that's more than half the battle, but the French have given us much more than winning wars. They gave us existentialism and democracy. Without their revolution and their enlightenment period, America would probably be stuck with the British. I'm sure one could argue and win with that one, but the French are brains. If I had to choose between brawn and brain, I would definitely choose brain. I would rather have brain over calvary.

So, a couple of months back, during my parents' personal fiscal crisis, I bought them a new kitchen faucet since our old one wasn't really turning on anymore. I know all of you know that Father's day is within a week:
Me - So, I hope you're not expecting any presents from me.
Mom - Why would we?
Me - Good, because if you had asked, I was just going to turn on and off the faucet. This morning, even, I came up with an idea to do.
Mom - What?
Me - I'm going to be busy all day turning on and off the faucet. Makes no plans for me.
Amanda - *laughs from the living room*
Dad - *shakes head*
Me - There's going to be a water show and you are all invited.

I was invited to go drinking and listen to music with some friends. I don't know. I feel bad because I feel as if it's something I should be interested in and because I'm not that I should feel ashamed for my lack of enthusiasm for life. I'm not going, but I finally thought of something to say to the nay-sayers.
"You like that, I don't. I don't like being around people who think killing brain cells with one another is a hoot. I don't like being around drunk idiots who don't know when to close their mouths or bars with hazardous bathrooms. I would rather be at a reading with authors, or an art show, or a good play. Hell, even an orchestra with a mixed cycle of songs would be more pleasing than a smoky room with people who will have liver problems in their 40s."
I am not advertising hatred. Hell, it was fun when I did it. I've been through that cycle already and it's just not me. Brings the worst out in me honestly and I don't like being that person. If I am to ever move away from what I know now, I must change what the past has unleashed. I do not believe a person can change within the same atmosphere.

FATIGUE

Me - I love amazon. I usually, for something to do, go through and add books to my wish list.
Marina - Really? That's what you do?
Me - Yeah, I have an entire library in there.
Marina - I wish you were ready.
Me - For what?
Marina - To fly.

I did fall over laughing. She was completely serious, metaphorically, but serious. It just came out of the blue.

Books I've read so far:
1. Gates of fire by Steven Pressfield.
2. Sacre Bleu by Christopher Moore
3. The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath
4. Anthem by Ayn Rand
5. The Physick Book of Deliverance Dane
6. Tiger by Laurann Dohner (That's right, I like romance.)
(WARNING: I WILL BE UPDATING THIS. I WILL WASTE EVERYONE'S TIME.)
I'm reading The Vampire Armand as of now. I ordered the trilogy to Sleeping Beauty by Anne Rice. Her prose and that erotica are going to be exquisite. However, I am determined to read the entire Vampire Chronicles before I start on those because I'll be in such a fit of why can't I write so romantically that I would need to read those last. Did any of that make sense? I am dreadfully fatigued.

The other morning driving to work I thought of a scene in my head. I often times do:
"So, I've been having weird dreams lately."
Uninterested friend asks anyway, "What about?"
"Aliens. I've got to stop reading on them."
Friend gives weird look.
"Not fun facts. Geez. What would those be? Aliens live in outer space or Aliens can travel through fucking galaxies so they're obviously brighter."

That is all.

Nap Taste In My Mouth, Yuck

FINALLY FINISHED - HALLELUJAH. (Now I'm listening to it, ha.)
REVIEW:
The Good - I read up on the author just before finishing. She did study literature in college, so that atones for the amazing flow of the story. The plot was very well thought out - everything tied together, even to the smallest child yelling something as the protagonist walked through the town. She did so well that I am now jealous.

The research was amazing for the book. I give her credz for the amount of work she had put into this and still managed to not write it like an essay for lack of energy left OR make the history sound so boring that you think this is an assigned book for class.

The writing style took a bit to get into for me. I am more of "get to the damn point" girl. Katherine Howe is the definition of a woman writer, which isn't a bad thing - just a taste you can be born with or not. I am not. She writes beautifully but strays too much on innate detail, in my opinion.

The Bad: It was her first book. She took so many easy-way-outs when she could've stretched and made it better with the main relationship. In one scene, Connie was floating across water in the dead of night, alone with her dog. Then, she bumps into another figure and it's Sam, the boy from town. "That was easy."

The antagonist wasn't evil enough and it seemed like she was toying with the idea to the end until the end where she mashed it together.

The relationship, lover wise, wasn't great. It could have been, but they really didn't bond over anything.

The characters were overdramatic. If I had wrote it, my characters would have thought all of it was amazing, just like me.

She spends a page with the character lost in thought and making tea. This isn't Lord of the Rings... Only Tolkein can get by with having a character dancing on a table for three pages in that tiny, single-spaced font.

Overall: I'd recommend it to people. 3.5/5 stars, I guess - never gave a star rating before.

IN OTHER NEWS...
Dad - *From his bedroom* I'm getting new maps for Battle Field 3.
Me - *From living room chair* Know what would be cool? Submarine battles. I'd play that.
Dad - Ooh, you're right.
Me - I know.
Amanda - *From kitchen table* What would be cool?
Me - Submarine board on Battlefield.
Amanda - Ooh, you're right.
Me - They're going to have a board like that.
Amanda - Ooh, serious?
Me - Yeah. *I tried to bite off my smile*
Amanda - Omg, I'm so excited. *raises voice* I'm going to be playing it!
Dad - Playing what?
Amanda - The submarine board.
Me - Yeah, I told her about the submarine board, Dad. *Then I start to really laugh.*
Amanda - *face falls*You suck.

I have done nothing but read today. I even read at work while my fatigue was slowly diminishing the little memory center I have working. Well, hippocampus and frontal cortex. Sometimes I think I don't remember damaging them. ... Anyone smiling? Anyway, clocked out of work - fixing to drive out of parking lot when I remembered I had a cart of unfolded show boxes that needed to be put back. How forgetful am I? Needless to say, I went back and fixed my time.
Wow, can't believe how boring that was.

Earlier, while reading, an ambulance passed with a high screech siren and my cat, who had been nearly asleep, immediately jumped up and ran off the bed to the middle of my room and simply stood there. He was perking his head in near circles. It was hilarious. Poor thing.

TRANSIT OF FUCKING VENUS TOMORROW.
Today was a comedy of errors because, for the second time in a month, I forgot my debit card at home and didn't realize it until I was out of my car to get gas.
Then couldn't pick up supper for my sister.
Then couldn't buy solar glasses, which I was going to hunt down today.
It's like the universe, in preparation, decided today was not plentiful in the fiscal situation.

Well, ladies and germs, time for me to retire.

Phew

Helped Fallon today paint her bedroom. Oh yeah, two college girls painting a bedroom. Well, I have previous experience since I worked with my father for a year. When I came home, I told him how proud I was that I could cut in and paint base. Then I imitated him saying how hard it usually is. I actually made him laugh. Good day.

I don't know why that's blurry. I such at photography.

 I will name her Arwen. I will hug her and and pet her and squeeze her. This little doll climbed up my neck to sleep on my shoulder and did so with leaving her marks. Oh well, cuteness does override pain. Seeing all your animals, Fallon, had me put Princess in my lap. He's nearly asleep now with his chin on my thigh.

Fallon and I have grown closer because of said events. We talked and made plans for next Sunday. Utility room, hiking, and Mexican food.

AND I did have to look up the quote to Looney Tunes since I couldn't remember the exact phrasing. I don't know why I don't watch these more.
Daffy Duck is all like, "You are hurting me. Put me down please," so calmly. I have to pause to laugh. No, seriously.
HERE'S THE LINK, MINIONS.

Now to draw more things on my iPad and email them to people. So far I've hit Fallon, Marina, Jake and Amanda (my hot lesbian friend who has no other thoughts but other how to sexually entertain men).
Again, was that joke too long?

Stylus

Lonely Man

First thing this morning while waiting for a co-worker of mine to move her ass out of the way, Todd says, "I have some advice how to make your blog more interesting to men."
My immediate response before I could stop myself, "I could give a shit less what men like on my blog."
But Todd had good answers. I'm sorry my inferior brain got in the way of hating such a wonderful gender that I couldn't let it speak.

One, my sister should be turned into a lesbian counterpart. Instead of speaking of normal day stuff, our normal day stuff should turn to talking about threesomes and mentions of a webcam.

Two, Pig pajamas. Never use the work pajamas, but the word "negligee."

Oh, Todd, I checked my mailbox and this was what was waiting for me:

Title reads, "COMIC HAS NEW GAY CHARACTERS"

Took my five takes to get the cat in this. He's actually staring my snapping fingers. 

What're the odds?

(He was going on one of his hate-rants about this at break.)

This morning, while driving to work I was thinking about chickens. How cool is it that Chickens aren't a mammal? They're more in the reptilian category... Stop rolling your eyes, I know you know. Anyway, I thought about chicks and how they're born in eggs. How fucking cool is it that they come from what we eat in the morning, or use as an ingredient, to a sweet, chirping, yellow-feathered creature? They crack open their shells and eventually die by human hands, but yeah.